Author Topic: Victim mentality  (Read 26504 times)

lighter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8636
Victim mentality
« on: June 07, 2008, 09:38:46 AM »
I'm removing the first of the posts... so they aren't associated with this drivel.

Lighter

ps.... yes....

that's elitism. 

« Last Edit: June 09, 2008, 10:14:20 PM by voicel2 »

Ami

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 7820
Re: Exploring Victim Mentality
« Reply #1 on: June 07, 2008, 11:21:11 AM »
This is a great thread, Lighter.             Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Certain Hope

  • Guest
Re: Exploring Victim Mentality
« Reply #2 on: June 07, 2008, 11:28:00 AM »
This is sorta the flip side of something I've been wanting to post, which has been parked on my desktop for a couple days now.

Might as well add it here:

Casting the Villain



This is a phenomenon I've noticed and just wondered whether anyone else has seen/experienced it?

I know I've done it myself... assigned folks in various settings to various roles - - - all the world's a stage, yanno.

But what lies behind this perceived need to identify the villain and even plot a course around (or over top of) him?

Maybe the villain is simply another struggling, human being who doesn't see things the way I do or, for various reasons, rubs me the wrong way.

That's what I'm talking about here, by the way - - people with whom we may have personality conflicts or those whose views are diametrically opposed to ours.
Not talking about robbers and murderers and the like... just ordinary folks whom we encounter along our daily paths. People we don't like.

Okay, so I dislike her. I disagree with her worldview and I find her personal style obnoxious.
Maybe she reminds me of someone from my past. So what?
Maybe I can imagine her as the culprit in all sorts of dasturdly deeds, but does that really make it so?

What does it take - within me - to determine that this person is a genuine villain and that it is up to me to block her every attempt to exert her existence on this planet?

I say, it takes a monumental sense of self-obsessive pride and entitlement. I can say that, because I know that's a big part of what was at work within me when I'd  get to feeling that way about someone.

The moment I decide that I'm better than x,y,z -  when I decide that my thoughts and ways are soooo much higher than hers....
that's when all of this villainization becomes possible. Whether or not that's a word, I don't know, but I've surely done it and witnessed it being done. Usually, it begins by my deluding myself into thinking that I know someone else's motivation when what I should have been doing is keeping a tighter rein on my own heart.

And what is it that makes me feel superior to my self-declared villain?

My own denial and delusion of grandeur which I choose to nurture rather than getting down to the nitty gritty of sorting out my own mess.

A victim requires a villain, simple as that, so watch out when you rub a victim the wrong way.

Carolyn

Ami

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 7820
Re: Exploring Victim Mentality
« Reply #3 on: June 07, 2008, 11:38:15 AM »
.  As a child, when I was humiliated and shocked, I could not do anything. I was blamed for the PREDATORS actions. I was blamed b/c *I* was too..... whatever...,sensitive, too much of a "victim"
 I was blamed for s'one elses predatory behavior TOWARD me.My M was very smart and twisted reality. I knew it, but could NOT admit it to myself. Now, I see why  I was angry. I see the replay.
  I blamed myslf b/c I had no choice, as a child. I would have died if my M got out of control. I shamed and hated myself for my whole life.
 I see what happened.Now, I can let it go, it is not underground, but above ground, out in the light. Thanks Light.
            Ami
« Last Edit: June 07, 2008, 12:05:35 PM by Ami »
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

lighter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8636
Re: Exploring Victim Mentality
« Reply #4 on: June 07, 2008, 11:48:12 AM »

I say, it takes a monumental sense of self-obsessive pride and entitlement.

The moment I decide that I'm better than x,y,z - 

 Usually, it begins by my deluding myself into thinking that I know someone else's motivation

Carolyn



Ahhhhhhhhh, Carolyn.

You've brought part of the equation into sharp relief... at least for me.

Immediately, Mud's guidance comes to mind, from long ago.

I'm paraphrasing his words here.....

"When explaining egregiouse behavior......

simply state the facts without assigning motive... let the listener do that for themselves."

Because then it says something about them.  ::nod::

Assigning motive says something about us.

 Mud said it plainly... and yet here I am, finding I have to be reminded, yet again.

Thank you for this, Carolyn.... did you write it yourself?

Lighter



Leah

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2894
  • Joyous Discerner
IS IT WRONG TO BE A VICTIM?
« Reply #5 on: June 07, 2008, 11:50:26 AM »

Hi (( All )),

I have read with interest and appreciation the article "Exploring Victim Mentality"

however, to set a balance, I would like to add ....



IS IT WRONG TO BE A VICTIM?
   
Dr. Frank Ochberg, Harvard trained MD and trauma expert, says our culture now disparages, blames, isolates, and condemns someone for being a victim.

Victim, survivor, victimology, victim abuse...why are victims being told to deny their reality?  Sometimes being sad is normal.  It doesn't mean you stay there, but don't feel guilty for it.



Why everyone can't just "move on" and "choose a happy future"

The concept that a victim can always consciously choose how to proceed, is flawed.  Abuse is trauma and the ability to take steps forward is often impaired.  Sometimes, help is needed.
The phrase, "move on with your life" is common.  Sometimes said to those who have lost a custody battle, lost a home, or savings, a family or job this phrase can be another betrayal. Just when a victim needs support, they are asked to go it alone.

The entire infrastructure of a life is often destroyed leaving the victim, stunned, hypervigilant, indigent, betrayed and perplexed as to why they are expected to "choose" to not be a victim.  Give them a time machine and this can be done. Give them revictimization and it cannot. 

It's time to give that word back its status and in doing so, respect the abused.  Respect comes in the form of providing help with a compassionate approach to those stripped of dignity through abuse in courts of law, or by their partners.


What is the definition of a "victim"?

According to the dictionary a victim is: One who is harmed by, or made to suffer from an act, circumstance, agency, or condition; a person who is tricked, swindled, or taken advantage of.

The victim of a narcissist is traumatized. There are biochemical changes in the body and structural changes in the brain. Thought patterns change, memories are lost, immune system strongly affected, brain cells die, there is chest pain, muscle pain, feelings are intense and emotions chaotic.


Why are victims revictimized?


             Because it's politically correct to say, "I'm not a victim, I'm a survivor."

Not all victims are the same.


Some have more resiliency than others. Some are without resources or support. Many have physiological changes that need to be addressed. And when those who need help come looking for it, instead of being welcomed, they find "helpers" that tell them they are responsible for their healing NOW.

These people are revictimizing because "choice" is NOT always an option.


Reclaim the Word Victim

We must reclaim the word "victim" and renew our commitment to those who are victims. We should examine the role of a victim impact statement and victim advocate for those who are traumatized emotionally as well as from a criminal act.

Are you being victimized again by someone who says, "if you won't stop being a victim. I won't help you"? Maybe your attorney, therapist. siblings, or friends are claiming you can just choose to stop being a victim. Maybe they think you can start a company without money, and buy a house with bad credit. Maybe they don't know what they are talking about.

As a victim of any kind of abuse you deserve:

1. Compassion
2. Validation
3  Freedom from theraputic verbal abuse
4. A support team to open doors to resources
5. A friend, therapist or counselor who can teach you the skills to rebuild your life.

Depending on who you are, this may take a long time or not. Variables include amount and length of abuse, health, supportive family or not, finances, genetic explanatory style (optimism or pessimism), coping skills you may already have and many others. As a victim, you have the right to say, "STOP" to those who blame the victim. An entire self help industry has arisen that believes if you just really really wanted to, you can be happy and healthy and fully functional as soon as you choose to be. A starting point for recovery are post traumatic stress sites. There you will find trained and compassionate support people with articles that explain trauma healing methods.


The Scientific Basis of Healing, Happiness and Recovery

It doesn't matter if you call yourself a victim, survivor or Martian. No one should deny you victim status. It is what is. A victim is not a slothlike creature, nor stupid. Nor is a victim responsible for what happened to her and we must stop worrying about language and start helping. A victim is a person with a life in chaos. What matters is that you get the help you need and the compassionate trained person to give you the skills.

The good news is that happiness is trainable, resiliency comes back and psychologists are moving from the Freudian model which has dominated psychology for too long and was wrong to boot, to a model that moves from pathology as the dominant scheme. The process of de-traumatization begins with validation. It then moves to retraining explanatory style. Depending on the depth and time of the abuse, it may take a long or short time to process to empowerment and control. IT IS NOT NECESSARY to analyze every event. It IS necessary to be heard and listened to and to tell your story. But not over and over to everyone who will listen. Validation is critical.

« Last Edit: June 07, 2008, 12:18:53 PM by LeahsRainbow »
Jun 2006 voiceless seeking

April 2008 - "The Gaslight Effect" How to Spot & Survive by Dr. Robin Stern - freedom of understanding!

The Truth About Abuse VIDEO

lighter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8636
Re: Exploring Victim Mentality
« Reply #6 on: June 07, 2008, 12:10:14 PM »
Wow, Leah.

I hope alone finds this thread.

::going to change title::

Lighter

Leah

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2894
  • Joyous Discerner
Re: Exploring Victim Mentality
« Reply #7 on: June 07, 2008, 12:17:30 PM »
Lighter,

IS IT WRONG TO BE A VICTIM was employed at the women's domes tic violen ce convention and it had an impact on the police members present, several red faces and shuffling in their seats.

I feel most passionate about the subject, having been maligned as a "surviv or"

Love,

Leah
Jun 2006 voiceless seeking

April 2008 - "The Gaslight Effect" How to Spot & Survive by Dr. Robin Stern - freedom of understanding!

The Truth About Abuse VIDEO

lighter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8636
Re: alone, please read: Exploring Victim Mentality
« Reply #8 on: June 07, 2008, 12:21:31 PM »

I saw someone viewing this 2005 thread recently, and copied it here, as follows:  

Lighter












Stormchild
Hero Member

Posts: 1254

It's about becoming real.


     Snakes in Suits: Subcriminal Psychopaths [Book Review]
« on: May 05, 2007, 12:51:34 AM »  

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Write put up a thought-provoking post on the Cognitive Dissonance Question thread:


Quote
On the subject of the psychopath, I have worked with young people who were diagnosed 'anti-social perosnality disorder' for their inability to comply to any kind of imposed structure; they have gone on to do extremely unpleasant things then they attract an NPD label. Whereas NPD people can often be extremely successful and charming and able to comply with social norms some of the time. I can only speculate as to whether the two kinds of people are the same kind of psychopath!

which reminded me of a book I purchased recently - titled "Snakes in Suits: When Psychopaths Go To Work."

Here are excerpts from a book review - link here: http://www.beyondbullying.co.nz/snakes_in_suits_spot_the_true_ps.htm


Quote
At the end of a talk on organised crime, Dr. Robert Hare mentioned his belief that some of the year's worst accounting scandals could have been avoided if all chief  executives were screened for psychopathic tendencies. He was quoted everywhere, not so much because of the sensational implication that some  of America's best-known companies had been run for most of the 1990s by people with a major mental disorder, as because of who he is.

Hare defined psychopathy for modern scientists with an exhaustive questionnaire, sold only to  clinicians, called the Psychopathy Checklist, or PCL-R. It was introduced in 1980 and has become an internationally recognized instrument for identifying psychopaths. It means that when a subject scores 30 (out of a possible 40) in a prison in Dundee, an expert in Detroit will have a good idea of his proclivities.

That's the good news. The bad news is that the PCL-R revealed that psychopaths are everywhere. Most are non-violent, but all leave a trail of havoc through their  families and work environments, using and abusing colleagues and loved ones, endlessly manipulating others, constantly reinventing themselves.

Hare puts the average  North American incidence of psychopathy at one per cent of the  population, but the damage they inflict on society is out of all proportion to their numbers, not least because they gravitate to high-profile professions that offer the promise of control over others, such as law, politics, [medicine, and corporate management].

By the Hare definition there are 300,000 in Canada alone.

Despite this, spotting psychopaths is hard, though it may be about to get easier. Next year Hare and a New York-based colleague, Paul Babiak, will publish a book  called Snakes in Suits: When Psychopaths Go To Work, that will at least alert the average office worker to the possibility that her amusing but exasperating - and, frankly, narcissistic and untrustworthy - colleague  may be clinically psychopathic. Hare and Babiak will also produce a new diagnostic tool based on the PCL-R but designed to help businesses to keep their recruits and senior management psychopath-free.

Enter the B-Scan. It won't be available to everyone, and it won't be free. Slightly jarringly, one is reminded that its authors are businessmen as well as  academics. But they insist that it will do a better job of raising warning flags than traditional screening techniques such as CVs (routinely falsified and seldom checked) and interviews and role-playing ("Psychopaths love this stuff," Hare says. "It's like a game to them.").

If you are B-Scanned, it won't be you answering the questions. It will be your colleagues, grading your personal style, interpersonal relations, organisational  maturity and antisocial tendencies according to 16 buzz words, none of  them uplifting. They include the following: insincere, arrogant, insensitive, remorseless, shallow, impatient, erratic, unreliable, unfocused, parasitic, dramatic, unethical and bullying.

Yikes. Who isn't most of these things, at least some of the time?

I meet Hare in a London hotel and find him used to such anxieties.

"I know, I know," he says. "People read this stuff and suddenly everyone around them is a psychopath. They pick up on three or four of the characteristics and say, 'yeah, he's one.' But it's not like that. It's  a medical syndrome. You've got to have the whole package."

And when you do, what does it look like? Hare gives an example, and not just any example. He first gave it to Nicole Kidman in a private meeting requested by her to help her prepare for her memorably chilly role in Malice.

"I gave her a  scene," he says. "You're walking down the street and there's been an accident. A child has been hit by a car and is lying on the ground. There's a crowd around him. The mother's kneeling down there  crying and emoting. You're curious but not appalled. You look at the  child momentarily and then you look at the mother. You walk towards her, step in some blood and then study the mother's facial expressions for a  minute or two. Then you walk back to your apartment or hotel room, walk into the bathroom and stand in front of the mirror practising those expressions. I said, 'If you did that, people would see that you don't  understand emotion, you have no idea at all, you're a colour-blind person trying to explain colour.' They didn't use the scene, but they could have."

In the workplace such a person might resemble 'Dave', a real individual studied by Babiak who cut a swath of disruption through a highly profitable American electronics company in the mid-1990s. Dave was good-looking, well spoken and  impressive in the interview that led to his recruitment. He was also a skilled and shameless liar, rude to subordinates, scheming towards his boss and quickly friendly with the firm's top management. Already on his third marriage by his mid-thirties, he was short tempered, happy to ignore assignments that he felt were beneath him, and quick to change  the subject if challenged on a lie or asked to produce some real  evidence of work.

When his boss summoned the courage and evidence to make a complaint to the company president, he found that Dave had got there first and secured for himself the status of "high-potential employee."

The boss ended up sidelined. Dave ended up promoted, swaggering and "in love with  himself." He scored 19 on the PCL-R, lower than you would expect  for a psychopathic murderer but much higher than your average working non-psychopath. He or she would score a five at most.

People such as Dave can be spotted early. Babiak recommends checking CVs exhaustively and auditing expenses - psychopaths like to indulge. It all seems obvious, but for the past 10 or 12 years, for most of corporate America, it hasn't been.

These have been tumultuous years in the world of business, with dot-coms booming and collapsing, older firms merging or shrinking to catch up, and hierarchies everywhere flattening faster than the boss can say: 'Hey, c'mon in, my door is always open.' In short, it has been a high old time for psychopaths.

"When you see what has happened with Enron and WorldCom and all these other big corporations, and you ask how the hell could this guy get in that position, well, there are answers," Hare says.

"When the structure's not there, when charisma is extremely important and style wins over substance, and one person ends up with three or four hundred million pounds in an offshore bank account, I start to get suspicious.  And when the whole thing breaks and people are losing their pensions and livelihoods, these people give nothing back.

"Many of the high-level executives now being charged knew exactly what they were  doing. They had no concern for anybody else, and you have to say they aren't warm, loving guys."

Likewise in politics. "Think what happened in the former Soviet Union and the former Yugoslavia. The old rules went by the board. Structure vanished and all the ethnic tension that had been held in check by central government  began to emerge. It was the perfect set-up for an opportunist, a thug or a psychopath to enter and take over."

That takeover usually has three stages. First, the psychopath identifies those who can help him and cultivates them with all his considerable charm. Then he pinpoints those who can harm him and outflanks them or stabs them in the back.  Finally he makes a sycophantic but ultimately devastating beeline towards the source of power (one thinks of Hitler and Hindenburg, but also of the irrepressible Eve Harrington in All About Eve).

Psychopaths necessarily have victims, and Hare's drive to expose the "subcriminal" ones in our midst is at least partly personal. He speaks of an old college friend, now gravely ill, who lost $500,000 in a mortgage scam to a white-collar crook who got off with a $100,000 fine and a six-month trading ban. Society still labels such people rogues at worst. Hare calls them natural- born predators.

There is a difficulty approaching all this from outside academe: it can seem as if the experts are using jargon to force a thousand shades of grey - for there are  surely at least that many degrees of psychopathy - into convenient boxes for personnel managers, employment tribunals and courts.

Babiak certainly counsels caution. Being psychopathic is not a sin, let alone a ground on its own  for dismissal. But underpinning the PCL-R is hard science, hard to ignore. Before he published it, Hare performed two now-famous studies which suggest that psychopaths really are different from the rest of us. In the first, subjects were told to watch a timer counting down to zero, at which point they felt a harmless but painful electric shock.  Non-psychopaths showed mounting anxiety and fear. Psychopaths didn't even sweat.

In the second, the two groups had their brain activity and response time measured when asked to react to groups of letters, some forming words, some not. Words such as rape and cancer triggered mental jolts in nonpsychopaths. In psychopaths they triggered precisely nothing.

That research is decades old now. The man behind it, instead of retiring, tours the world helping to nail the psychopaths among us and trying to make sure that his instruments are not misused.

Part of his mission is to stay serious. He won't appear on Oprah, and he won't name names.  Instead, when he sees someone in the news he thinks might be a psychopath, he says: "I'd sure as hell like to study this guy."

Write, I think you're asking about the difference between criminal and subcriminal psychopaths. And it sure seems as though the subcriminal psychopaths look a lot like what we refer to as Ns.


I'm fascinated by the B-scan, too. Look at the implications. The world's expert on psychopathy is basically telling us that we laypeople are sufficiently good observers and reporters that our pooled observations can accurately portray an individual as psychopathic when they are. It's interesting, too, that Hare goes to the people affected by the potential psychopath, and collects their experiences, and doesn't go to the psychopath himself... because of their gameplaying ability.

I've known more than a few Daves. At school, at work, even in ministry... I think we all have.

This is an incredibly good book. And it is far more encouraging than discouraging.  
 
« Last Edit: May 05, 2007, 09:42:19 AM by Stormchild »  Report to moderator    Logged  
 






Ami

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 7820
Re: alone, please read: Exploring Victim Mentality
« Reply #9 on: June 07, 2008, 12:21:52 PM »
Blaming the victim FOR being a victim is double abuse!
 Leah, your point is right.
The person who was VICTIMIZED needs to call themselves whatever they need to, not letting s/one else, with various "agendas" define them as being "too" much of a victim. That is BS.            Ami
 
« Last Edit: June 07, 2008, 12:26:21 PM by Ami »
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Leah

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2894
  • Joyous Discerner
Re: alone, please read: Exploring Victim Mentality
« Reply #10 on: June 07, 2008, 12:24:48 PM »
Blaming the victim FOR being a victim is double abuse!
           Ami


Exactly, Ami

that is the truth.


Blaming the victim is a double dose of abuse and invalidates the persons reality.


Love, Leah
Jun 2006 voiceless seeking

April 2008 - "The Gaslight Effect" How to Spot & Survive by Dr. Robin Stern - freedom of understanding!

The Truth About Abuse VIDEO

Ami

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 7820
Re: alone, please read: Exploring Victim Mentality
« Reply #11 on: June 07, 2008, 12:30:23 PM »
My MAIN abuse was the the PREDATOR invalidating reality. That was the worse abuse and probably still is. I am SO happy I see it. I could do a joyous dance.Thanks,Leah.           Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Certain Hope

  • Guest
Re: Exploring Victim Mentality
« Reply #12 on: June 07, 2008, 12:39:51 PM »

I say, it takes a monumental sense of self-obsessive pride and entitlement.

The moment I decide that I'm better than x,y,z - 

 Usually, it begins by my deluding myself into thinking that I know someone else's motivation

Carolyn



Ahhhhhhhhh, Carolyn.

You've brought part of the equation into sharp relief... at least for me.

Immediately, Mud's guidance comes to mind, from long ago.

I'm paraphrasing his words here.....

"When explaining egregiouse behavior......

simply state the facts without assigning motive... let the listener do that for themselves."

Because then it says something about them.  ::nod::

Assigning motive says something about us.

 Mud said it plainly... and yet here I am, finding I have to be reminded, yet again.

Thank you for this, Carolyn.... did you write it yourself?

Lighter




Lighter,

Yes, I wrote it myself, out of my observations - - of myself and my own tendencies, and of others - both at work and here on this board.

Stating facts is great, as long as that statement is complete and doesn't omit certain facts which might reveal extenuating circumstances.
But human nature does seem to have a boundless capacity for giving one's self the benefit of the doubt while shining the harshest light onto the other.

Assigning motive does not necessarily speak to what lies within our own hearts. It may be simply that we've grown so cynical and jaded via wrongs that've been done to us that we've come to expect the worst from others. On the other hand, it's true that a thief always thinks someone's stealing from him.... and a gossip generally suspects that others are speaking evil of her behind her back.

But the real point I was trying to make is this:
I think that some people - including myself, in the past - find it nearly impossible to walk through life without villainizing someone. It's like they require an antagonist as much as their next breath of oxygen, because - psychologically - they have never existed in their own eyes apart from some other who has constantly and consistently nipped at their heels.

I was there. I couldn't seem to find motivation, even, without someone against whom to play off. Sadly, there's always someone else in a parallel position, willing to be that foil
(not sure that's the right word.) Until the person recognizes that she's not pure as the driven snow and that she's just using other impure people against whom to compare herself (and pit herself), all growth comes to a screeching halt. At least that's how it's been for me.

Carolyn




Leah

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2894
  • Joyous Discerner
Re: alone, please read: Exploring Victim Mentality
« Reply #13 on: June 07, 2008, 12:43:54 PM »


Also, to maintain a balance, and with regard to my previous posting, above, on the subject of .... Re-Victimizing the Victim ... I would add ..


I address the victims of narcissistic abusers here. But this can warn their friends about how hurtful the stock responses to their pain are. If you are the friend of an abused person, don't make it worse. If you can't say what comes naturally and honestly, it would be better to say nothing at all than to say what sounds right because it's politically correct.
 


He who angers you controls you.  Baloney. That popular adage does not pass a basic nonsense check. Look, it says that good boys and girls are numb so that nobody can make them feel an emotion. It is also exactly anti-logical, blaming the victim. It pathologizes you, the victim of the narcissist, instead of the narcissist.

Stuff like this is my pet peeve. Once you start noticing how much political correctness is anti-logic, you can't help but wonder (with Mark Twain) whether anyone examines an idea before swallowing it whole.

We should be more careful what we let into our minds (The Garden) than what we let into our bodies. Rot like that adage does great added harm to the victims of abuse. First the narcissist outrages you until you want to scream. 

But don't take my word for it. Think for yourself.

The reasoning goes like this: So, the narcissist's abuse is nothing to get angry about? You are to act as though it didn't happen? In other words, you are to make nothing of it, right?

Wrong. For, if it is nothing, then you are nothing. Why? Because everybody knows that if I bash an object, that's nothing, but if I bash a human being, that's something. If I step on a bug, that's nothing, but if I step on a human being, that's something.

Yet, no matter what, the do-gooders just don't get it — until they're the one that gets bashed. Then they see the degrading value judgment in making nothing of it.

By telling you to make nothing of it, they are telling you that abusing you was nothing. That means you are nothing. Indeed, if your abuser bashed your automobile, they wouldn't tell you to make nothing of it, would they? An automobile is a thing of value, so harm done to it requires reparation. But, harm done to you is nothing, eh? What a dehumanizing value judgment.

And it lands on top of the one the narcissist dumped on you. Feel better now?

First he got on your back, and now they pile on too. The holier-than-thous should be criticizing the abuser's behavior, not the victim's. There's a name for people like that, "Job's Comforters" or "troublesome comforters." That's what I mean when I say that people saying stuff like this do more harm than good. Pound, pound, pound, they all pound you down with that club that says Doing that to you was nothing = You are nothing.  And it's a sin for you to not cover up for him by acting like it didn't happen.

Just what you needed to hear, right? So, who's side are they really on? whether they realize it or not? Hard to take, isn't it? What a heartless thing to do to someone already down.

Why can't they just break down and say that it causes them sorrow to hear what was done to you and that it really sucked? Then all they'd have to do is act like you mean something to them. Why is that asking too much? Why do you get all that other crap instead?

Sometimes I think they just don't want your sad face to rain on their day. I think it's for their sake that they want you to take Prozac. They just want you to make it go away, to act like it didn't happen.

If it's a sin to even be angry about degrading treatment, then what can you do to contradict the humiliating value judgment in it? Nothing. If merely feeling an emotion is stepping off the straight-and-narrow, what could they give you permission to do? Nothing!

Ah, it seems to me that the one whose hands they should tie is your abuser, not you. This way they are accessories to mayhem.

The more you think about it, the more ridiculous the moralizing gets, doesn't it? Parrots who get their morality from prime-time TV thus deny you the most basic human right — the right to protect yourself. Just what kind of person would docilely accept abuse? would make nothing of it? A person who thinks he or she is entitled to better treatment? A person who thinks anything of him- or her-self? A person with any self-respect? any dignity? integrity? a backbone? If you are the victim of a narcissist, you know that your anger is your assertion of your self-worth.

Sounders like to sound good by making others sound bad for not taking an affront to their human dignity as though it were nothing. Is that not rubbing the victim's nose in it? That's what it feels like. It's no longer just the narcissist abusing you, the whole world piles on to stifle your objection. This overwhelming pressure is what breaks the victim's back, forcing him to join in the zero valuation of himself. The result of this self-betrayal is self-hatred. Which is precisely what drives so many victims of narcissists to needing psychiatric help themselves.


Accept your feelings. Own them. Know them. Experience the tremendous relief and comfort in that. Then you can temper their influence on your conduct with reason and good judgment. You are responsible for your conduct — your words and deeds — not your feelings. Just because you are angry does not mean you are out of control of yourself as that stupid saying implies. It is the narcissist who has no self-control, not his or her victim.

Your anger, like any pain, will pass. If someone punches you, he is to blame for your pain, not you. By the same token, the one to blame for your anger is your abuser, not you.



....continued on http://www.narcissism.operationdoubles.com/onyourfeelings.htm
Jun 2006 voiceless seeking

April 2008 - "The Gaslight Effect" How to Spot & Survive by Dr. Robin Stern - freedom of understanding!

The Truth About Abuse VIDEO

Ami

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 7820
Re: alone, please read: Exploring Victim Mentality
« Reply #14 on: June 07, 2008, 12:45:08 PM »
YES
 THE ONE TO BLAME FOR YOUR ABUSE IS YOUR ABUSER!   AMEN       Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung