Edit:
In respect to Phoenix I retitled this thread and wish to acknowlege her in her victory over struggle to quit as well. This was just my personal journey. (I was hoping that Phoenix would join in).
Lise, if and when you're ready to do a thread re: your non-smoking challenges, I am interested in participating.
Since I'm still using those nic lozenges, I'm still hooked in that way - - and could surely use some help, too!
Dear Carolyn, (and others)
What I feel that has been happening is very simple, but took much time (three years of struggle), for me to get to the final conclusion and understanding of why I smoke and why I do not, and could not quit on my own.
It goes like this:
Victimized as a very small child by neglect and the denial of my emotional needs, even in the womb and the crib, I was full of hatred and anger towards my caregiver, my mom.
My mom was toxic and unable to genuinely love, therefore, the air I breathed in as a baby was toxic. Now, does that not mirror smoking as an adult? Or, another way to put it, would be to say that smoking is an unconscious way to symbolize the untold (acting out) story of bitterness as helpless child...smokers feel helpless to stop the bitter habit, correct?
Genuine love and affection is sweet....we crave it, we crave the sweet affection we never got, instead I got bitterness, which is what smoking is...a very bitter flavor with a very bitter aftertaste.
I'm talking about symbols here...just as we dream our minds use symbols to tell us the story. Much of what I do in life, that is not rooted in love and truth and that is harmful to me and others, is some unfinished and untold story from my childhood that is finding expression through symbols, such as smoking.
The bottom line for me came when this past year as I suffered through months and months of stuffed baby rage and old buried raw pain, hurt and memories, it was the realization that I was a victim and that my sweet craving was revenge (revenge is sweet)...well that is wrong, I was hurting me to get back at them.
So, here it comes................drum roll...............I went to Christ and showed Him this, I then begged Him for Mercy and to take away, not my habit, but my desire to seek revenge and the satisfaction I was getting out of it by hurting myself. I prayed and prayed and prayed. I decided to never give up on God, He never gave up on me.
Through prayer I realized that my addiction was being separated out of me and that slowly I would lose my craving and obsession. That is exactly what is happening. It is as if I look at cigarettes and want to run from them...the self-respect is growing stronger and more powerful than the addiction. The thought to have a cigarette pops into my head, but it gets overrided by a growing solid self-respect.
God's grace can fix all, repair all, heal all and cleanse all.
