Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > What Helps?
Outing the Narcissistic/Emotionally incesting Parent
Jenocidal:
Outing the Narcissist
I came across the definition of NPD four weeks ago, and I've spent the last four weeks reading about it. All my life, I felt my mother had antisocial personality disorder, like her father did. Her punishments were brutal. Then I found the definiton of NPD, and it explained my mother perfectly - except that my mother did rage on me as a child, physically abusing me... sociopathy was not a 100% match. But the NPD was.
Now that I am starting this "healing process", I was wondering how many of you recommend telling your narcissistic mother what you've learned about them?
A final "this is what you did to me -- this is why we don't have a relationship?" Would that be considered part of the "healing process"?
Her and I are not on speaking terms after a fullon narcissistic rage session I had to endure on my little brother's graduation day (4 weeks ago her little man graduated - she wasn't about to share that day with me).
My narcissistic mother doesn't get along with anyone on all sides of our family. Nobody can handle her idiopathy.
Am I selfish for wanting to show her what she is? I have a strong desire to out her. Bare in mind this woman is still damaging my little brother whom she sleeps with.
Discounted Girl:
Trying to explain to her what her "problems" are and what they have done to you might help you in the satisfaction department, but it would do nothing to change her, in fact it would give her further ammo to discuss what a horrible person you are and might give her more ideas to rev up the smear campaign. At this point, you probably have nothing to lose though.
Jenocidal:
Thanks for your reply. I'm going to take a few days and compile my final word.
The info I've read on this board has been a tremendous enlightenment.
PnkDragn:
I just found out there was a name for my Nfather. Its good to know that I am not the one who is crazy. After reading what NPD is I find myself wanting to help or fix my Nparent. What stops me is what I know would happen if I brought this to his attention. The "punishment" would be the worst I have ever received. See in their eyes they are perfect, so if someone as insignificant as us try to tell them they are a "bad" person that would only confirm to them how insignificant we are and how little we know and back up their idea of them being perfect because they know more then we do.
If you are going to confront your Nmother go into it being prepared for the worst "punishment" you have ever received. That way it wont be such a shock to you when it happens and you'll be able to deal with it better. I believe confronting your past is the greatest way to start the healing process, but with this condition it is a loose-loose situation.
When i read your post a situation that happened a few years ago came to mind. After several years of being married to my brother and saw the affect of how Nfather treated him she decided to confront him. Well, mom had tried to tell her not to do it but she didnt listen. If I had know what she was planning I would have tried to prepare her for what was going to happen. They were in a restraunt when it happened and Nfather was yelling at the top of his lungs in the restraunt. She had told him she didnt think if he would care if his son were to die tomorrow. He said "it would be just another day". Needless to say my sis-in-law was beside herself. I dont think she ever had a clue that people could be this way. After she left the restraunt she was so overwhelmed that she had to pull over and cried her eyes out for an hour.
If you feel so strongly about confronting your Nmother be prepaired for what WILL happen and that is may be 10 times worse then you ever had before. Prepare your brother for the brunt he may get as the only scapegoat around.
Please think carefully about this. Know that it will not affect the Nmother in the way that you hope. I know it is a frustrating situation, but until the day your Nmom acnowledges that she has a problem (which probably never happens) there is nothing you can do to change the problem.
Treading lightly,
PnkDragn
Anonymous:
Hi, I am Jenocidals aunt. I know her like she was my own daughter, and what she says about her NParent is very true. Jenocidal has suffered things growing up with her NMother that you wouldn't believe if I told you. She always had a special spirit and I would see her mother darken her world every day with violence and bitterness. Everything that her NMother suffered during her life since childhood, she took it all out on her precious daughter. I know, because I was there and I was also dominated by my sister since we were little girls. Then I felt helpless to do anything about it when I would see her strike her daughter (Jenocidal) across the face.
One day, we were sitting around the kitchen table and her mother was worked up about something. We were talking, when suddenly Jenocidal came up to her and asked her to look at this song she had just written. Instead of being suprised and delighted and taking the song and reading it on the paper, she procceeded to scream at her and punched her right in the jaw for daring to interupt.
I saw that and I was devastated and did not know what to do. This was my sister against her own child, who was barely even into her teens yet. She started to sob and I felt helpless to do anything. I stood up -- I said how what she had just done was wrong, and I kicked her out of my place and then after she left I called the child protection services. Of course, they "investigated" and nothing was ever done. She had talked her way out of it, again. And my niece had just undergone only one incident out of many in her lifetime, growing up.
It wasn't the physical violence so much, we all had had a taste of that -- it was the emotional trauma and terrorization. She lost her little spirit, and I would try to tell her that it wasn't her fault, when she would be sobbing. Her mother was supposed to be her world. When that world becomes so hurtful, she had no where to turn for answers.
I see her now as reaching out, and she has finally gotten some critical answers to what was happening to her. For this, and you people who have gone and/or are going through the same or similar situations, I am eternally grateful. She needs all the support she can get, even though she is an adult now. That child is still screaming "why" inside, and she is finally starting to find some answers that make sense.
Thank you for this board. Without the answers, she would be eternally asking the same questions over and over again. It helps to be able to relate to others when you have been convinced that you are alone in this world and no one understands. They do understand, even though their situations were different.
Jenocidal, as for confronting your mother, you know as well as I do that it will never, ever sink ion and she will never, ever realise what a beautiful, precious daughter she has always had in you. This is the biggest tragedy of all. Her own mother never knew how special and precious she is.
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