Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > What Helps?
Outing the Narcissistic/Emotionally incesting Parent
Dawning:
How about if you quote a section of a book about narcissism (ie, in writing?) in a letter to N-whoever :?: I've thought about doing this with my dad pertaining to the section on *what you have to gain/lose by confronting a parent with NPD* in a book called Longing for Dad: Father Loss and Its Impact (page 210-212.)
ch:
Dear Jenocidal,
in short, DON'T DO IT!!
resist the temptation to do that. don't let them know what you know. don't feed them more drugs!!! your concern, benevolence in the form of positive energy is their source of N!!! don't fall back into the vicious cycle. don't be a N-supplier!!!
its better to use your energy toward taking care of yourself.
ch
Dawning:
In Beth Erickson's book - that I mentioned above - she suggests approaching fathers as a necessary stage of recovery. However, what she has to say about approaching N fathers is interesting, I think. Perhaps, it could apply to the topic of this thread. Here is what she writes:
Narcissitically self-absorbed fathers: These fathers are dangerous because they are involved with no one but themselves. They will hold court only with those who will adore them. These fathers must come across as perfect at all costs, even and especially when they are not. So a discussion of mistakes they made or of what was missing is extremely precarious because of the threat that they might have to see their own imperfections. These fathers deftly dodge taking responsibility for their actions or inaction unless a therapist helps hold their feet to the fire. Otherwise, blame for their children's pain will probably get shifted back to the child. Blaming and faultfinding characterize many interactions because such fathers are unable to take what they perceive as criticism. Dumping on others allows them to continue their delusions of adequacy. These parents have the narcissistic tendency to see their children as objects who are reflections of themselves. If parents are not too rigidly defended by their self-absorption, they can be helped to respond to what their children need with coaching, usually from a therapist. But other parents, true narcissists according to psychologist Elana Golomb, are more impervious to their children's needs - or anyone else's, for that matter. In her powerful book, Trapped in the Mirror:Adult Children of Narcissists in Their Struggle for Self, she wrote, "The child of a (true) narcissist is not supposed to see her own power....Credit to the self interferes with obedience to the law: Be nothing."
Children of narcissistic parents must develop numerous defenses in an effort to survive psychologically. You must become "psychologically hard of hearing," deafening yourself as a defense against your parent's attributing to you what is unacceptable in the parent. Narcissists must always be right. If you grew up with a steady diet of being wrong and bad, before long, you began to believe this very powerful person's messages. Despite attempts to deflect your parent's annihilating messages, some still penetrated, and you ended up internalizing some of these crushing, denigrating statements. These zingers then became part of your own inner dialogue. It is easy to see the extreme delicacy of approaching these types of fathers with the wish for greater honestly and emotional connection in the relationship. This does not mean, however, that facing him is not a good idea. It is. At the very least, when you finally speak your truth, you can begin to extricate yourself from your narcissistic father's clutches. If you believe your father falls into this category, I urge you to seek therapeutic help both to determine whether or not this is the case, and to craft a plan for how to proceed. Even if a conversation is only reiteration of your father's rationalized self-interest, at least you will have tried everything. There is no more to do but to disconnect and grieve the fathering you never had and never will have.
ch:
Dawning,
Thanks for that Excellent posting.
I guess all children of Nparents need to go back for one more last try, just to be sure that they are N people and, therefore, are really hopeless. Thank goodness, i am finished with my confrontation and can rid the guilt once and for all. WHen i grieved and mourned my loss of a childhood that could never be, i often found myself wishing the revelation had come much sooner. I wish i had left after college and never looked back. Instead, i refused to trust my instincts and kept coming back to try and try again as an adult.
I am glad i am done with this phase.
seeker:
Hi Jenocidal & Auntie & all,
My heart goes out to you. First to J's aunt: I know that helplessness. My crazy SIL adopted two children as if to say "see if you can stop me". We knew how unhealthy she was. The only consequence available was to disconnect from her. I had witnessed nothing as you had, but had grave suspicions, esp. after seeing two black eyes on one little boy. Although you feel that calling CPS did nothing, at least it was a hint to J that her mother's behavior is NOT normal according to the outside world. Of course, it must have been awful to realize how good a liar a mom can be.
J, I would not inform your mom what N is. Threat of exposure will only cause her to drop the atom bomb on you. Have a disinterested third party do any dirty work. Ask CPS what they would evidence they would need to correct the situation with your brother.
I really really agree with ch when she talks about supply. Even negative energy is supply. In a word, any kind of drama is supply. I once read that the way to get rid of an abusive N boyfriend is to become very very boring. If you distance yourself from your terrorist, you have won.
Good luck, Seeker
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