Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > What Helps?

Outing the Narcissistic/Emotionally incesting Parent

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Plucky G2:

--- Quote ---Bear in mind this woman is still damaging my little brother whom she sleeps with.
--- End quote ---


Do you mean incest? Is that what you mean?  If so, I would not hesitate to do whatever it took to get your brother out of there.  Ignore anything he says or does, he is a twisted child who is going to need lots of help.

If I misunderstood, please forgive.

missm:
My mother is also narcissistic.  I confronted her about the effects of her behavior when I was in my early twenties, after my first year of therapy, and my first abusive relationship.  I am now 33, and have come to realize that in engaging her in a conversation about her behavior, I really gave her an opportunity to re-negotiate the "contract" of subservience and servitude I entered into as an infant.  Her supposed understanding and concessions to my anger allowed me to continue to idealize her and remain in her shadow through my continuing fear of her disapproval or rejection. 

Alice Miller talks about confronting the "inner" parent.  I think this is far more important than how we interact with the parent as they exist today.  In my case, I feel that my mother does not have the frame of reference, or the self-awareness to process anything I might try to discuss with her negative impact on my development.  I do, however, think it's extremely important to determine how our continuing relationship affects my current mental state, and draw whatever boundaries are necessary to maintain my own self-esteem and mental health.

enough:
hi all,
i'm new to these boards and am finding them very (tearfully!) helpful.
this is an old topic, but i must reply to it!  i wrote my parents and brother letters this past week, outing their N ways; something i wish i had done so many years ago (i'm 37 now).
thing is, i'm sitting here waiting for the bomb to drop. the bomb that will top all the others that have been dropped throughout my life.  i feel it had to be done and yet, here i am again, afraid.  i live a good distance from the 3 of them, but would not be the least bit suprised to find at least 1 of them at my door this weekend.

ugh.

thanks for listening,
enough

JanetLG:
Enough,

Welcome to the board. You will be heard here, and you can explain what's happened to bring you to this point. We will listen to you, and believe you, too.

As you've said, this particular thread topic is an old one, and I think the people concerned aren't on the forum now, but there are many people (me included) who have confronted family members, with many different outcomes.

You might find it more helpful to post your own story on the main forum section, in your own thread.

As to what response you'll get after telling family of origin members that you believe them to be N's - in my experience, they will not believe you, but it may fuel retaliation (they will want you to stay as you were, and do what they want, and keep quiet), so yes, you may well need to be wary.

But you can post here, and get very good advice from all sorts of people on what to do now.

I'm sorry if all this is upsetting, but I'm afraid that happens first, before you get used to being strong, and moving on with your life.

I'm sure you can do it.

Just by finding this board, and posting, you've taken the first steps.


Janet

enough:
janet,
thanks for your support. 
my experience is, as i'm sure is the case with all the experiences here, soooo  complex. i will certainly post them in a bit; things are really raw right now.
what i'm afraid of, mostly, is my father's anger and tendency to be phyiscal.
this whole process is so draining, and yet liberating....

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