standing up to an N

[ch]

Just wondering if anyone has ever beaten their N mother?

I fought back once when i was a teenager after so many years of unreasonable physical and emotional abuse.  It felt good to fight back in self defense and retaliation.  I am otherwise never a violent person, and very calm and peace-loving in fact.  

its a big taboo to beat your  mother, and i have kept silence about this for over 20 years now.  but, i have realized that it was natural to defend myself because, unlike my family, i do care and love myself.  YAY!!
so i will no longer feel bad about beating my mother when she tried to beat me first.  And, yes, that was the last time, she ever laid a hand on me, as i continued to grow and tower over her.

Fortunately, i am now much older and able to care less about her and walk away calmly, even laughing at her absurdity and thinking how disillusioned she is that she thinks she can still pull manipulations on me.  

   ha!  it doesn't work on me anymore. they are nothing but funny stories to share with my compassionate friends.

Its great to read all the posts here.  it seems all the writing has been done for me to read and relate back to my own tragic upbringing.  still have loads of work to do for recovery.  Thanks everybody!!!

[Ellie]

I have never fought back, but I do it a lot in my little fantasy survival world. I know to this day that if I came face to face with Ndad he would attempt to strike me.

I have imagined many times how good it would feel to lay a big one right in the middle of his face! I wish I had fought back as a child. I only ran crying to my room for safety. I dreamed about getting even all of my life.

Now I have gotten even - they can't have me anymore. What more can I take from them that would have a grearter impact? Sure they probably act like it doesn't bother them, but truth be known, they would move heaven and earth to get me back to my little compliant ways.

Oh the thought of hitting back, belting them one good with a belt or switch, oh that seems good. I have imagined duck taping them to chairs and making them sit and listen to me, force them to finally LISTEN to me and how good that would feel.

But after discovering what Ns they are, I now know that would make no difference at all. Thinking I had their attention would be a farce - they would not hear a single word I would say. So it's just fantasy, but it makes me smile thinking about striking back!  

[Dawning]

Wow Ellie.  Thanks for sharing those fantasies.  I can hear the anger in your voice - good for you for getting it off your chest!  

I had alot of fantasies too growing up.  And ran to my room alot.  In fact, I did that alot until relatively recently.  Now I stand my ground wherever I am it even if it means pulling back.  I'm worth it    but it is an on-going process.  I never learned how to stand up for myself as a kid.  And I am still learning.

ch,  

Thanks for *your* post.  There is something in it that is so spot-on...so right on...I'm getting the feeling that you have been very committed to your recovery for some time.  20 years of not talking about hitting her....I'd like to give you a big hug for opening up and trusting.  <<<<ch>>>

I never hit my Nmother as a teenager.  Once, I wanted her to kill me during those years.  Makes sense when I see how much she hated me for individuating.  But I was playing right into her hands...I was giving her the power to take my life.  In retrospect, I *see* that she LIKED it when I lost control for a number of reasons.  

When I began to control myself - on my terms -her true colours begain to show.  A few years ago, she said something to me so vile and mean that I knocked her on the sofa.  She's backed off quite a bit since then in raging at me to my face.  But she has continued to do it via the phone and emails if she doesn't get what she wants.

[Amendy]

Dawn,

I have a mother like yours.  When I was little she trained me to be docile in response to her chaotic craziness.  The way she would teach me to be this way was to threaten me that she would not love me anymore so I obeyed.  As a little kid that was life threatening, you know.  Then long after I grew up and went through all kinds of stuff, I realized she then needed me more than I needed her.  I realized I was her only source for getting her N supply needs met.  So I learned how to use her need for me to teach her how to treat me.  I cut her off from my supply for a year.  She went through all kinds of stuff.  Anxiety attacks and hospital stays.  I stood strong because I knew they were all tactics to get at me.   Then I slowly began to let her into my life again, but I made it clear that she could only enter my life if she met certain conditions:  treat me with respect.  Every time she crossed that line I would leave or ask her to leave.  Little by little she got it.  But, the thing that gave me power was no longer wanting anything nor needing anything from her.  That was the hard part.  The way I got to that place was realizing that it didn't and never did matter what I did or became, she would never be the mother I wnted or needed.  That was a hard place to come to.  What helped me to come to that place was when I realized she would never be the mother I needed or wanted becasue she couldn't.  For a long time I thought she wouldn't and that thought messed me up.  Once I realized I had no control over how she responded to me and that she had no control either, I was able to forgive her and figure out how to make it work.  It was by no means easy.  I cried a lot before I could do it.  It took years actually.  

The other thing is that I had a lot of anger and I had to find a way to set it free with out harming her or me.  So, I bought a box of dishes and a friend had a back yard with a brick wall.  I slammed each dish against the wall as I screamed at her and God.  I felt a lot better.  And I was a whole lot less angry.  

Another time, I took a chair and dressed  it up with pillows, cloths and shoes that she would ware and place her picture there and pretended it was her.  Then I told her eveything I wanted her to know, and hear.  How she hurt me and how angry I was.  It took a long time, hours that day.  But, I felt a lot better and no one got hurt.  

God bless you Dawn and your very difficult mother.

Amendy

[Dawning]

Hi  to all posters on this thread and thanks to Jenocidal for bringing it back up.    

Amendy wrote:

I realized I was her only source for getting her N supply needs met. So I learned how to use her need for me to teach her how to treat me. I cut her off from my supply for a year. She went through all kinds of stuff. Anxiety attacks and hospital stays. I stood strong because I knew they were all tactics to get at me.

Yup, I'm hearing you.  Thanks so much.  ((((Amendy))))

I'd like to share something that has happened recently.  A natural disaster occurred where my mother lives.  I have sent her over 5 emails and called over 5 times and no response, no answering machine.  I have gotten updates from two other blood-relatives who live in another state.  One of them told me that my mother is drinking alot now with one of her neighbors.  What I keep saying to myself over and over again is that I *can't* save her.  I fear that what will save her is for me to destroy myself.  What makes me angry is that I know if a natural disaster occurred where I live, she would expect me to get to a phone and make communication with her at all costs.  She would *tell* me that she needs to know I am okay.  In a normal, less dysfunctional family this would be a normal need but, somehow with her, it feels too much like enmeshment.  that she doesn't care about my life...she care about *her* daughter.
For me, I still feel the need to care about her as a person who might be incredibly stressed out.  In any case, I have done what I can do.  She's got to work these things out by herself.  But....old program... says if your mother is upset, it is your job to take care of her; that is what you were born to do but I know now that it is not my responsibility to take care of her emotions or allow myself to be used or manipulated.  I have learned that her phone is working now but I have heard nothing.  Is this a tactic she is using to "get at me?"  I wonder...

[Anonymous]

I have learned that her phone is working now but I have heard nothing.  Is this a tactic she is using to "get at me?"  I wonder...

Could she be intoxicated and unable to remember whether she called you? I also think she is just selfish. You did your duty. I've often thought that the only thing that would really placate my mother would be to commit suicide! Of course that was really a revenge fantasy from my own rage.

Bottom line, we don't have to save another adult (and usually cannot), but we can show some baseline concern. That's my moral limit on it.

bunny

[Amendy]

Dawning,

It's hard to say what her motives are while she lives far away from you.  I came to understand that all my mother's behaviors were all under suspect, for she seemed to never be able to be authentic regarding what was really going on around her or with her.  It's complicated and your situation sounds worse while your mother is doing alcohol.  I understand your feelings of responsibility and how you were problably trained as I was to always put her first  nd her needs before yours.  It is sad to hear that you would come to reason that ending your life would bring some kind of peace or relief to her.   My hope for you is that someday you would come to realize that every damaging and hurtful thing she has ever said or had done to you never had anything to do with you.  We so often make the mistake of thinking that how people treat us or respond to us or not respond to us has something to do with what we may have doen or not have done or even just exisiting.  And it's hard to let go of this thought because it allows us to think that we are in some way in control.  And even though I know this well, I still re-examine myself and search myself to try and find out what it is I have done to get the the treatment or response from others that I don't want.   I have to constantly remind myself that what a person says or does in response to me has little to nothing to do with me.  

The other thing I would do in response to my mother and her needs is ask myself what would God, or higher power, or love have me do?  I would try to teach myself that Love cares about my well being as it cares about my mother and that I needed to consider what I needed with as much attention and consideration as I put forth toward considering my mother's needs.  Sometimes I would need to call her to make sure she was all right, but not for her sake, but for mine.  If I felt that calling her would further  bring me harm, then I would find some other way to bring peace to myself.

When we take a plane trip the stewrdess emphasis how important it is to place the oxygen mask on ourself before we try to meet the oxygen needs of another.  Now imagine the needy person is a child struggling to breath, would you ask that child to help the adult next to her before she helps herself?  It seems this is what you are caught up in, because the adult is your mother.  She has made it in life so far, she will continue to make it.  Pray for her, hand her over to God and let him worry about it.  You just keep doing what you need to do to take care of yourself.  Believe me it will take you a life time.  

I hope this helps,  
Amendy