Please know that I respect your personal choice, dear Amber.However, for general enlightenment, I would like to share of DreamSingers information ... which is pertinent to ALL interactions: Relational Aggression Relational Aggression, also known as covert bullying, social aggression or female bullying, is a psychological and emotional form of abuse, hiding behind a smokescreen of lies and manipulation. Relational aggression uses relationships to inflict injury upon another. It's characterized by gossip, teasing, slander and exclusion.
It is mean and cruel.
Contrary to common misconception, relational aggression is not exclusive to females. It mirrors the manipulative political philosophy of 15th century Niccolo Machiavelli, who many herald as a political genius, and whose practice is still alive and well among many areas of our culture.
It is not a girl thing. But it is a problem in female relationships (and male, though they may be experienced somewhat differently).
Principle Players of Relational AggressionAggressors are those who use a relationship or relationships as a weapon, to bully, intimidate, control and/or punish a targeted person. The aggressor can be an acquaintance of the target or a dear friend. She can be a long-standing enemy or a new rival.
Targets are the ones who stand in the line of fire. They are often the aggressor’s peer, however, relational aggression can cross all socioeconomic and cultural lines, as well as race, age and sex. No one is afforded automatic immunity.
Collaborators are those who actively join the aggressor, to whatever degree. They can start out as active participants and co-instigators, or they can be, initially, bystanders who are drawn into the drama of relational aggression. They are the relationships through which the aggressor channels most of her negativity toward the target.
Silent Witnesses are bystanders who do not actively participate in any way, either to support the aggression or to stop it. Usually, they feel powerless or fearful to help. Many wind up struggling with guilt for their inaction and may find it difficult to make peace within themselves long after the aggression has stopped.
Enablers are a unique group of bystander, who carry some kind of authority or status within their social network. They can make a difference by virtue of their standing, but don’t. For whatever reasons, they choose to look away or trivialize what little they’re willing to see. This behavior often serves to legitimize the relational aggression, and so in this sense, enablers are not only bystanders but indirect collaborators.
Basic AnatomyThe Drawn Back Bow: Something is said or shared with a third party - a rumor, an assertion, an accusation, a biting remark. It is the springboard from which the damage is done, the precipitating event that becomes the excuse or reason. It can be true or untrue. What matters is the purpose for which it is used.
The Arrow: It affects others - how they look at you and treat you. It's what aggressors hurt you with. Not the information or rumor, itself, as much as the affect it has on other people and their subsequent relationship with you.
The Wound: It affects you - the pain you feel, how you feel about others and how you feel about yourself, as a result of other people's treatment of you. The wound can be little or big. It can be brushed off or eventually healed. For some, it can last a lifetime.
That's why, when someone tells you it doesn't matter what someone else thinks and admonishes you to rise above it, they miss the point, because it's not about someone's opinion or words.
It's about relationships and other people's behavior, because of someone's opinion or words. Sometimes you can walk away. Many times you can't.
This is what relational aggression is all about - inflicting damage through other people.
The rumors and accusations are just a means to that end. Whether childish or serious, true or false or somewhere in between, rumors and accusations are designed to elicit an emotional response from others, with the intention to incite them to hurt you, in some way.
Relational aggression, also, involves more physical abuse, such as "accidental body slams", taunting, teasing, censuring, alienating, and other means to cause the suffering of another person.
The key trait is that whatever methods are used, it is done in concert with and through others.
Relational aggression affects and hurts everyone - aggressor, target, collaborator and witness, alike.
But bear in mind, relational aggression isn't so much about a specific person, a "bitch" we love to hate, as much as a state of mind; a set of choices we all can make. The roles described above are fluid. It's so easy to go from target to aggressor or silent witness to collaborator in just one breath of a choice.
So be mindful of your choices and make them wisely.
Source: http://www.relationalaggression.net/Edit in:
Ironically, I have just realized that this subject "Relational Aggression" was posted over on the What Helps board on March 09, 2007 http://www.voicelessness.com/disc3//index.php?topic=4364.0
