Bean, your thoughts are perfectly welcome. I'm not ignoring you. I am an infrequent poster. The reason I made this post, and I know some people disagree with the language I used, is that I notice less and less of truly constructive conversation on the board and a whole lot of drama. Right now the majority of the threads on the first page are related to the recent board conflict, and not at all about healing and growing, or even learning to deal with emotions related to past abuse.
It's not an easy journey, Bean. Healing hurts more than the original hurt did. I still have a very hard time trusting anyone. I still make plans and work out scenarios because I don't entirely trust others to do what they say, after all, no one ever has before. It's something I have to work on. I also have to work on not living for other people. It's not easy. It's hard. There's days when all I can do is cry because it's so hard. I blame myself for everything from the dog farting incessantly to my son being a jerk. I have a hard time accepting that people around me are responsible for their feelings, and I am not. That is why I still go to therapy every couple of weeks.
Healing is a lifelong journey. It won't happen overnight. It's not going to suddenly come to us. The first step is wanting to heal. The second is taking the steps to make it so. The third, for me at least, is accepting that I am not responsible for everyone and I don't have to make anyone but myself happy. The fourth is surrounding oneself with positive things. If that means cutting out the N parent, leaving the abusive N spouse, then that's what needs to happen. Being surrounded by negativity only breeds more negativity. Sometimes I think we get trapped in the cycle of going through the motions. We get tired and run down, and we go through the motions of healing, only deep down, we aren't really healing. We just pretend we are, and then when we stumble, it seems like the world comes crashing down. I'm guilty of it. I'll admit that I've intentionally made things sound better than they really are to my T or my Pdoc. At one of my recent T sessions, I had to make an emergency appt. with the Pdoc because I had backslid into severe depression. I was overwhelmed by everything going on, and I wasn't willing or able to let someone take up some of that slack for me.
All you can do is keep going forward, even when its hard and it seems like you're getting nowhere. You'll get there eventually.
Sela, I chose gender neutral wording. I'm sorry you were offended by it. It was not meant to point to any one person in general.
