I just recently returned from a meeting with my T. I have been working very hard on learning to let others be responsible for their own feelings and not to feel guilty or believe that it is my fault for causing others pain. I have to learn to assertively state my own feelings and not cave just to please my partner or anyone else. I often feel like I'm always giving because I don't ever get what I want.
What I see here on the board is a lot of guilt-tripping, finger-pointing and blame placing. It's rather like being on a playground of children who are all pointing fingers and tattling on each other. She hit me. No he hit me, etc.
What I am trying to say is everyone here on the board needs to be responsible for their feelings and learn to state assertively and clearly what they are feeling. As I've stated before, this is a discussion board, not a support group. There will always be people trolling. There will always be a question of identity because that is the nature of an internet forum. For all anyone knows, you could be speaking to some little old man in China.
I see a lot of people who are saying that various posters are treating them just like their N's have treated them in the past. I have read a lot of these posts that are supposedly inflammatory, and I don't see the abuse in the threads. I see criticism, certainly, but part of growing is learning to accept criticism. For the most part, I think the individuals on this board want to hear about progress, not that so and so attacked them in a thread.
My T tells me I have made enormous progress in the past few months. I am working very hard on learning healthy boundaries and learning to assert myself and that my thoughts, feelings and opinions matter. Maybe that's a lesson others here need to learn. Instead of dwelling on what has happened in the past, look ahead and work on improving yourself. Dwelling on the past and the hurt will solve nothing. Projecting those feelings onto strangers in cyber-land solves nothing. Take an honest look at your feelings, accept that they are valid, deal with the pain, and learn to grow. That's what the board is here to help with. This board is not a substitute for therapy. If a therapist is what you are looking for, find one. If you can't afford one, check with colleges or look for one who charges on a sliding scale. There are always ways if you really want help. What I notice though is that some people here don't seem to want help, they come here with a "look at me, pity me, my life was horrible" attitude. They want sympathy. They want someone to agree that their life was worse than anyone else's. What these people don't realize is that they need to hear, "Yes, your life was bad in the past, but it doesn't have to be that way anymore. You can change it." I had a lousy childhood. Even my partner's parents, whom I"ve met one time know that. They've commented on what kind of parents I must have had, but that doesn't change the fact that I"ve taken massive steps to secure my own happiness.
I had help from people on this board, certainly. I still post from time to time because I value the opinions of various people on this board. I'm not going to storm off in a huff or request NC with anyone here, because I can simply ignore comments and threads. I have only been offended one time in all the time I've posted on this board. The rest of the time I agree to disagree. I take the useful advice and let the rest go. I don't worry about bullying. This board is not my life. I enjoy interacting with people here, but I don't really care for the constant conflict and flaming that goes on.
Perhaps if there needs to be a free for all board where people can go and duke it out so the rest of us can go on with the process of discussing how to heal and grow.
