Author Topic: My thoughts about the board  (Read 2842 times)

tayana

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My thoughts about the board
« on: June 18, 2008, 03:32:25 PM »
I just recently returned from a meeting with my T.  I have been working very hard on learning to let others be responsible for their own feelings and not to feel guilty or believe that it is my fault for causing others pain.  I have to learn to assertively state my own feelings and not cave just to please my partner or anyone else.  I often feel like I'm always giving because I don't ever get what I want. 

What I see here on the board is a lot of guilt-tripping, finger-pointing and blame placing.  It's rather like being on a playground of children who are all pointing fingers and tattling on each other.  She hit me.  No he hit me, etc. 

What I am trying to say is everyone here on the board needs to be responsible for their feelings and learn to state assertively and clearly what they are feeling.  As I've stated before, this is a discussion board, not a support group.  There will always be people trolling.  There will always be a question of identity because that is the nature of an internet forum.  For all anyone knows, you could be speaking to some little old man in China.

I see a lot of people who are saying that various posters are treating them just like their N's have treated them in the past.  I have read a lot of these posts that are supposedly inflammatory, and I don't see the abuse in the threads.  I see criticism, certainly, but part of growing is learning to accept criticism.  For the most part, I think the individuals on this board want to hear about progress, not that so and so attacked them in a thread. 

My T tells me I have made enormous progress in the past few months.  I am working very hard on learning healthy boundaries and learning to assert myself and that my thoughts, feelings and opinions matter.  Maybe that's a lesson others here need to learn.  Instead of dwelling on what has happened in the past, look ahead and work on improving yourself.  Dwelling on the past and the hurt will solve nothing.  Projecting those feelings onto strangers in cyber-land solves nothing.  Take an honest look at your feelings, accept that they are valid, deal with the pain, and learn to grow.  That's what the board is here to help with.  This board is not a substitute for therapy.  If a therapist is what you are looking for, find one.  If you can't afford one, check with colleges or look for one who charges on a sliding scale.  There are always ways if you really want help.  What I notice though is that some people here don't seem to want help, they come here with a "look at me, pity me, my life was horrible" attitude.  They want sympathy.  They want someone to agree that their life was worse than anyone else's.  What these people don't realize is that they need to hear, "Yes, your life was bad in the past, but it doesn't have to be that way anymore.  You can change it."  I had a lousy childhood.  Even my partner's parents, whom I"ve met one time know that.  They've commented on what kind of parents I must have had, but that doesn't change the fact that I"ve taken massive steps to secure my own happiness.

I had help from people on this board, certainly.  I still post from time to time because I value the opinions of various people on this board.  I'm not going to storm off in a huff or request NC with anyone here, because I can simply ignore comments and threads.  I have only been offended one time in all the time I've posted on this board.  The rest of the time I agree to disagree.  I take the useful advice and let the rest go.  I don't worry about bullying.  This board is not my life.  I enjoy interacting with people here, but I don't really care for the constant conflict and flaming that goes on. 

Perhaps if there needs to be a free for all board where people can go and duke it out so the rest of us can go on with the process of discussing how to heal and grow.
http://tayana.blogspot.com

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you
really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot
do.
-Elanor Roosevelt

Certain Hope

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Re: My thoughts about the board
« Reply #1 on: June 18, 2008, 05:41:26 PM »
Dear Tayana,

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experience here.

I appreciate your post very much and will continue to think on it... especially the aspect of looking forward, with eyes on healing and growth.
Been looking back far too much. Thanks again.

Sincerely,
Carolyn

dandylife

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Re: My thoughts about the board
« Reply #2 on: June 18, 2008, 07:34:41 PM »
Tayana,

I echo many of the thoughts and feelings you expressed.

A special board for conflict, however, is a pipe dream as most people can't even recognize that they ARE angry when they are. Picture it : "I am NOT angry." "I am NOT yelling." Hah.

I was momentarily thrown away from your post by Bean's response - obviously she feels you are referring to her own conflicts and thus, posted in a defensive way - trying to use "humor" (lol) to deflect. Therefore, at first I didn't post my response in validation and support of you. For that, I apologize.

Bean, I empathize with your pain and recognize that you feel defensive. I don't think this post is specifically about you, though.

Dandylife
"All things not at peace will cry out." Han Yun

"He who angers you conquers you." - Elizabeth Kenny

Ami

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Re: My thoughts about the board
« Reply #3 on: June 18, 2008, 08:07:20 PM »
S/times if people have outgrown the board, they can start blogs, Tayana.            Ami
« Last Edit: June 18, 2008, 08:34:37 PM by Ami »
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Sela

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Re: My thoughts about the board
« Reply #4 on: June 18, 2008, 08:10:29 PM »
Hi Tayana,

I congratulate you on all the progress you've made!  That is wonderful to hear and I am very happy for you!!

A couple of thoughts:

Not everyone progresses at the same rate eh?

Also:

Quote
What I notice though is that some people here don't seem to want help, they come here with a "look at me, pity me, my life was horrible" attitude.  They want sympathy.  They want someone to agree that their life was worse than anyone else's.

I want to ask:  Who?

And how do you know what they want?

I guess I have a problem when someone assumes to know what's in my head and when I read this comment of yours........away I go projecccccccccting!!  Ping!!!

I understand....this is how it appears to you but truly......do you really know what anyone wants or needs?

Sincerely,

Sela

PS:  I think it's amazing how you are going forward with your life and how far you have come away from your mother's........grasp (is that the right word??).  Isn't it wonderful to be free????  :D  Way to go Tayana!! 

Ami

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Re: My thoughts about the board
« Reply #5 on: June 18, 2008, 08:13:26 PM »
I want to ask:  Who?

And how do you know what they want?

I guess I have a problem when someone assumes to know what's in my head and when I read this comment of yours........away I go projecccccccccting!!  Ping!!!



 My sentiments, exactly, Sela.            Ami
« Last Edit: June 18, 2008, 08:16:38 PM by Ami »
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Ami

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Re: My thoughts about the board
« Reply #6 on: June 18, 2008, 08:19:00 PM »
Dandy
 I did not read anything negative in Bean's comment. *I* don't see it.            Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Gabben

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Re: My thoughts about the board
« Reply #7 on: June 18, 2008, 08:36:22 PM »


My T tells me I have made enormous progress in the past few months.  I am working very hard on learning healthy boundaries and learning to assert myself and that my thoughts, feelings and opinions matter.  Maybe that's a lesson others here need to learn.  Instead of dwelling on what has happened in the past, look ahead and work on improving yourself. 


Dear Tayana,

Thank you for so bravely baring your soul and thoughts with us. I appreciate your thread.

It takes courage to heal and you are no doubt a courageous person.

As for your progress - way to go - bravo! ((Tayana)) We all deserve a good pat on the back, especially when we came from such painful childhoods of invalidation.


Maybe that's a lesson others here need to learn.

There seems to me to be a sense of judgement from you here that others, (generally speaking on your part) need to learn boundaries? Well, I am sure that we can all agree that at some point in our healing journey we will, if not already, be addressing this issue, just have you have.

Instead of dwelling on what has happened in the past, look ahead and work on improving yourself.

For me, I have needed to look back in order to move forward. Sometimes the painful memories of my childhood, the ones I buried because there was no way that I could have faced the pain and terror of what was happening to me at the time, come to the surface now. This is when, as I look at my past, that I can see a new future. The tears that I never got to cry are able to fall out - there is a wonderful sense of peace that comes from being able to cry those old tears.

"The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears." Cheney, John Vance

"What soap is for the body, tears are for the soul." Proverb, Jewish

My favorite:

"Only eyes washed by tears can see clearly." Mann, Louis L.


Perhaps what you are trying to say is that we need a healthy balance? Most of us, generally speaking, I can only assume and I may even be wrong, would too share that view.

Thanks again - there was much that you wrote that spoke well to me.
Peace and blessings to you,

Lise
« Last Edit: June 18, 2008, 08:38:35 PM by Gabben »

Ami

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Re: My thoughts about the board
« Reply #8 on: June 18, 2008, 08:37:37 PM »
((((((((((Lise))))))))))))           Blessings, Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

dandylife

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Re: My thoughts about the board
« Reply #9 on: June 18, 2008, 08:37:40 PM »
Bean wrote, "tayana,

We are always done except when we're not done, eh?

lol

bean"

Bean, please do clarify, if you wish, but this immediately comes across to me as a wish to shut down tayana as in "leave it alone already" followed by an "lol" which, seems to me to be the equivalent of that smiley face you so abhor.

Dandylife
"All things not at peace will cry out." Han Yun

"He who angers you conquers you." - Elizabeth Kenny

Ami

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Re: My thoughts about the board
« Reply #10 on: June 18, 2008, 08:50:14 PM »
It seems to me that Bean was saying that we are always growing. No one has arrived.      Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

lighter

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Re: My thoughts about the board
« Reply #11 on: June 18, 2008, 09:13:36 PM »
Tay.... you've been turning board sage.... while we're weren't looking.

And.... I agree with your post.

Light

dandylife

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Re: My thoughts about the board
« Reply #12 on: June 19, 2008, 12:23:48 AM »
Ahh!

Well, that does certainly explain it!

I'm sorry my perception of your comment was so negative. I've never been so thrilled to be wrong. Thanks!

Dandylife
"All things not at peace will cry out." Han Yun

"He who angers you conquers you." - Elizabeth Kenny

tayana

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Re: My thoughts about the board
« Reply #13 on: June 19, 2008, 12:53:21 AM »
I am not going to play the attacking game.  I am not going to name names because my comments were meant in a general sense and not at all directed at anyone.  This post is based on my perceptions of the board at this time, and is not meant to be a judgment, a diagnosis, or a accusation.  This is my perception alone, and I see I have been unreasonably attacked based on others perceptions of what I wrote.  Is this not the same thing I have just been accused of?  I had no one person in mind when I wrote this post.  It is merely my thoughts and feelings about the community. 

Gabben Said:
Quote
There seems to me to be a sense of judgement from you here that others, (generally speaking on your part) need to learn boundaries? Well, I am sure that we can all agree that at some point in our healing journey we will, if not already, be addressing this issue, just have you have.

I struggle with boundaries, Gabben.  I think a lot of people here do.  As victims of N's our boundaries have been violated and it's a hard struggle to learn healthy ones.  As I said, I am not judging. 

Quote
For me, I have needed to look back in order to move forward. Sometimes the painful memories of my childhood, the ones I buried because there was no way that I could have faced the pain and terror of what was happening to me at the time, come to the surface now. This is when, as I look at my past, that I can see a new future. The tears that I never got to cry are able to fall out - there is a wonderful sense of peace that comes from being able to cry those old tears.

I did a lot of looking back too.  I had to look back to see that so many of the things that I thought were nice and sweet, were really malicious.  I had to look back and accept the pain, but there was a point when I had to start looking forward, or I would just dance the same dance over and over.  There is a sense of peace that comes with that.  I'm glad you've started to find it.

Ami Said:

Quote
S/times if people have outgrown the board, they can start blogs, Tayana.            Ami

Ami, I have a blog, thank you.  You can read it at:  http://tayana.blogspot.com I'll admit I haven't had much time to update it lately, but it's there.  I've kept it up for six years now, and you can read a lot about my struggles there.

Sela, again, this post was not meant to point fingers at anyone.  I am not going to name names because I was not addressing any one person in particular.  I don't presume to know what's in anyone's head. 

I hope that others will start looking forward and think about healing.

http://tayana.blogspot.com

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you
really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot
do.
-Elanor Roosevelt

Ami

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Re: My thoughts about the board
« Reply #14 on: June 19, 2008, 07:56:23 AM »
 I did know about your blog. It must be a great means of self expression for you.       Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung