Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Absence/Distancing/Withholding Love
Alan:
Interesting question, Cindy. Might be good for a separate thread.
They say to wait at least 2 years after a divorce/ending to get involved again. I do agree with that under most circumstances. Get healed and get your act together.
I'll probably have to take some relationship time off, it is a good idea. However, I am looking forward to the next. I have new knowledge that will help protect me.
I took a chance 3years ago for what I thought could be the most spectacular relationship; special energy, connectiveness, fun, saw eye to eye on most things, a sexual partner I didn't have to teach and brought something special to the relationship (I have to mention I am a Tantric). So, I wound up marrying an N. She was a professional at it.
We would talk in the past regarding our love lives. She said if we broke up, she would never get married again (I am #4, yes a red flag, but, at that time her words made perfect sense and so did the behaviours). My philosophy still is I will find someone else because I believe relationships are the best way to heal and grow. And there are women out there who are looking for this kind of life; open, honest, revealing, loving.
I refuse to let a sick person stand in my way. Sounds like tough talk but the best revenge is to take our good stuff to someone who appreciates it. If Ns are hurting on the inside, then taking my good stuff to someone else will make it hurt more. Sounds aggressive and mean, but, as I said elsewhere, if you're working on your stuff, I'm working with you. If not, be as empty on the inside and the bottles of wine you kill.
cindy:
It's been over 4 years for me, I'm pretty much back to my old self, and am still petrified. To what extent you wouldn't believe. Any contact and/or interest by a man who is not a trusted friend, and I look and act like a deer in your headlights. I'm not sure I will ever get over this in the repect of trusting my judgement again.
Voicelessness - is it synonymous with control?
Alan:
In my view voicelessness is not synonymous with control. It's the pain caused by the control. After 4 years, the control is of the mind. For me, I'm finding the voicelessness is the hopelessness we have endured, the trust that was broken. It doesn't really help me that deep inside the Ns are worse off. All we went by was the surface, what we could see. And their power is intoxicating. That's what I miss. The "juice".
I hope you understand where I'm coming from. I mean no disrespect. After my first divorce it took 2 years for me to stop shaking. And then another year to feel better, optimistic, etc., to move on.
I have the attention span of a gnat. I'm not sure if you've done the therapy thing. If you have and are still working it, continue. If it didn't feel comfortable or work, find a different one. And read. Never stop reading. We can find hope in other's words. That's why I'm here. I post alot because it is therapy for me, a community that is accepting. I need to do this. If anyone has an issue with me, please let me know by e-mail. I don't want to be a pest. As stated earlier, I know what it takes for me to work the process. This board has literally cut months off my pain.
In regards to meeting someone, take all the time you need. I'm pondering the trust thing myself. I tend to plunge in. I missed the the signs early in my relationship. I didn't trust my eyes. Again, the "juice".
Once it all falls together for you, you will be amazed at the new inner strength you'll find.
Alan:
(This was a double submit of the above)
cindy:
Keep posting. I'm considering an examination of online relationships for a sociology paper, have participated in two boards for a while, and have been somewhat involved in the startup of two boards. I'm fairly sure at this point that the livlier a board the more chance a lurking newbie will join in.
I'm also reading "hanging out in the virtual pub - masculinities and relationships online" by Lori Kendall. An ethnography, good read.
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