Was My Ex-Fiance a Narcissist?

[Just Wondering]

Hi Everyone,

I had a very bizarre experience with a man that led me to research NPD. In a nutshell, I met him on the Internet and he swept me off my feet with about 150 pages of the most articulate, romantic emails ever. He was charming, attractive, funny, well employed, a great lover, etc.... He proposed marriage after only knowing me for a month. I accpeted because I attributed it to perfect compatibility and maturity on both our parts (we're both in our 40's) and simply knowing what we want. He sold his home, moved to the city where I live, bought me a ring, had an engagement party for all of his family and friends. We had a wedding date and location set. We were house hunting together. Then, 2 hours before he was to meet my mother for the first time, he broke off the engagement, saying it went too fast, but that he was still committed to the relationship. I asked if he would see a counselor with me and he said he would. Two days later, he reiterated his commitment to the relationship and to counseling. Two days after that, he announced he was moving away to another state. He went to that other state and bought a house overnight. At that point, I pretty much ended the relationship. In communicating with people in his life, he told them our relationship was over, and then he went on and on about how wonderful his new house is.

Does anyone recognize NPD in any of this? Thanks!

Wondering

[Anonymous]

Wondering,

He sounds like an "Ambivalent Man." You will find a lot of support on this group:

http://www.rhondafindling.com/phpBB2/index.php4

It's all women who have suffered at the hands of ambivalent, confusing men. I think it's a very warm, nice group. I only lurk there.

bunny

[Onyx]

Sounds to me like this guy is a commitment phobic! Loves the idea of having a deep intimate relationship, but is incapable of being the other half of one! As with all fantasists.....they're just that! Reality is just that......a people like the guy you've written about don't survive in today's real world for too long! He's probably done you a favour in the long run! I know that that sounds bad, but if you had have invested more in this relationship, christ knows what the hell he was capable of doing next!

I was frightened of flying years ago! So much so, I hated the thought of getting into a plane! I was really bad with it, but new I had to overcome it! So rather than pushing myself into being a passenger on the plane, I learned to fly them! I beat my phobia by understanding what went on up front in the cockpit! Now if I'm flying as a passenger, I often fall asleep before the planes in the air, as stay that way even during takeoff!

Your man was pushing himself into doing something he really couldn't do......yet! It may have been as a result of some bad relationship he was in previously! Then again, it could be because he is an Narcissist with  NPD. I would think that if he is one, he would have stuck around until he'd sucked you dry! He would have then crippled your personality and character before leaving you broken hearted and penniless!

It's difficult to say, as I didn't live what you did. You'd have to tell me more....but even then I couldn't really say one way or the other! What I can advise is this: If you're in any real distress over what has happened and can't seem to move on in the short term, consider seeking sooner rather than later, professional therapy. I know this possibly isn't what you wanted to hear, but worry about yourself and therefore your welfare first!

[Just Wondering]

To those of you who replied, thank you. The reason I suspect NPD is that he idealized me beyond belief and he devalued me very abruptly. His past is also full of financial instability and impulsiveness, alcohol abuse and an eating disorder, a history of constantly moving and changing jobs, and leaving a first marriage very abruptly saying he'd "changed his mind" about wanting to be married with a family (they had a 5 year old at the time). Also, the way he left me with no regard for timing or my feelings seemed so lacking in any kind of empathy. I researched NPD, sent a copy of the paper to his ex-wife, and she really thought it described him to a tee.

Yes, I know in the long run I am better off without him. But in the short run, he seemed to be the man I had waited many lifetimes for (another trait of Narcissists: being perfectly wonderful in the beginning).

Thanks again.

Wondering

[Onyx]

Obviously you feel as if you've been run over by a steam train! Out from the blue it pounced, squashed you to within width of a penny and then disappeared in a cloud of hissing confusion and into the night! If you're right about him, then you'll probably agree with the above!

Narcissists with NPD leave a trail of emotional distruction in their wakes.....and they couldn't give a damn about it! It's part of the condition, they are very 'cell' like in how they deal with things. Anything that remotely makes them look bad will be sealed in an air tight bag and float off out to sea on a river! It never happened....and certainly not the way you said it did anyway!

You'll make yourself ill trying to figure out why! You'll punish the hell out of yourself and find fault with you when there probably isn't any! You'll toss and turn trying to pin the tail on yourself saying that it was all your fault why he left!

You can mourn the loss of a relationship, it's quite normal! A NPDer has possibly  and actively identified a vunerability within you! It might be some so simple as that you are a good and kind person! Whatever it was, they've used it to get close to you. They've repeated words that you've uttered but not realised they've mirrored back to you later! You tell them xyz, later they'll play that back to you in some other context......and you'll immediately say that you feel exactly the same way and how uncanny was that that they you think as you do!

You will keep telling them your thoughts of just how compatible you are....and they'll play it right back to you!! What you have to realise is that they were after something from you in the first place......he used you somehow......and you never realised it....probably! You mention sex......maybe he's Somatic as a Narcissist and this is how he got his Narcissist Supply/Fix (NS). It could be anything......but he probably started to feel his overwhelming need to run as you got closer to him. He had to get away before you discovered something really unpleasant about him. You were probably getting close to finding out what you now have! He was a fraud!

Treated him and it as you would a virus on your PC! Isolate it, then bin it! Otherwise it will take over your life and could quite possibly destroy it!

[Just Wondering]

Onyx,

Your summary rings very true. I fell in love the the Pretend Guy who was absolutely incredible. (The Actual Guy is really NOT nice). I really think his letters to me are worthy of publication, they are THAT good. And he did lead me to believe we had all the same dreams and goals. He probably just glommed onto the dreams and goals I'd articulated. He used my emotional vulnerabilities to hurt me. Things I'd confessed to him, he turned around and used against me later. I so wish I could tell everyone what he did. I could actually. I have his email distribution list. But it would only make me look somehow crazy. Your advice is good: I should just delete him as he so callously deleted me.

How'd you learn so much about NPD?

Wondering

[Anonymous]

His past is also full of financial instability and impulsiveness, alcohol abuse and an eating disorder, a history of constantly moving and changing jobs, and leaving a first marriage very abruptly saying he'd "changed his mind" about wanting to be married with a family (they had a 5 year old at the time).

When did you find out this ugly stuff about him, and what was your reaction to learning it?

bunny

[Just Wondering]

I found out most of it AFTER he left me. But, some things I had an inkling of before, especially the financial situation. This is a man who has been a professional pilot for over 20 years and has very little to show for it. I was so in love with him and so attracted to him and so seduced by all of his words that I really closed my eyes to it. Some of the impulsiveness, he demonstrated to me in how quickly he proposed, and how quickly he put his house up for sale and sold it and moved. He's known me just over a month when all that happened. Silly me. I just attributed it to my Fairy Tale finally coming true for me.

[Anonymous]

My 'event' came to a spluttering end finally in 2002! Like you, it was a very real and painful experience for me! Amazingly, I hadn't realised just how invested I was in that relationship! I was lucky......no that's not right! I was fortunate in having a women who worked as a Counsellor live below me in our block of flats!

She had computer problems and new I was fairly good at sorting things out when she got into trouble with hers. She also was aware of my relationship with my ex and had kind of being watching from a distance as to what had been going on. She new I was in trouble and pointed me in the right direction. We are friends and she couldn't get involved in counselling me......but she did gently push me in a certain direction. The rest I learned through reading and the internet. They are some very good sites and there is one in particular that boosted me enormously. I'll dig it out for you if I can remember later!

I was lucky......and I really mean it this time! My NPDer still kept in touch with me because I was financially useful to her! She had reclassified me as a 'friend'......but only when it came to be bailing her out! Anyway, having read huge amounts of material, I could now use what I'd learned in order to prove to myself that she did suffer with NPD. I was staggered by how accuritly I could now forecast what she was going to say and do in advance.........and by god she would more often than not, seldom fail to let me down!!

She became a bit of a lab rat for me! I'd set a train of thought in motion for her, then step back and watch how she'd slowly perform to order! I was staggered at just how much I'd misinterpreted her actions when I was in the relationship with her! Now I could see her for what she really was. I had to pretend that what I was now seeing didn't hurt me! But in truth, inside I was devastated at just how wrong I'd been!

Like you now, you can't undertand, fathom out what the hell happened. You can't logic your way around the problem. You've tried to reason and rationalise it, but still inside you are lost for an explanation of what happened. The sad part about it is.....there isn't going to be on coming from him! Or at least not one that is going to paint you out to be anything else other than mad!

Sit back and do nothing. Don't engage the guy in any form of interaction whatsoever! I know this is going to be hard for you, but even now, he's playing on a perceived weakness he thinks he knows about you.......if he is indeed a Narcissist! In time if, and I'm talking weeks or a month or two, he will attempt to re-engage you in the game he was playing. He will be very very convincing! Get ready to set him up and see what happens. Remember they are incredibly naive!

Test him! Figure out what he's really after. Lure him in to the point when he thinks he's about to get it, then switch the head lights on full beam and stick the mirrors in front of him! Explore his financial past with his ex wife. Learn more about the real person he doesn't want you to know about! These things are the beams of light and mirrors that you need to use against him. He's cleverly shaped what he wanted to see.......now show him the truth! Like a vampire, he'll shrivel up and die in the light of day, never to f..k with you again!

Presuming he is a Narcissist with NPD of course!

 

Onyx

[Anonymous]

Check out this site (it's a psychologist's site).

http://www.drjoecarver.com/

His article I'm quoting from is,"Identifying Losers in Relationships." Here's an excerpt:


2. Quick Attachment and Expression "The Loser" has very shallow emotions and connections with others. One of the things that might attract you to "The Loser" is how quickly he or she says "I Love You" or wants to marry or commit to you. Typically, in less than a few weeks of dating you'll hear that you're the love of their life, they want to be with you forever, and they want to marry you. You'll receive gifts, a variety of promises, and be showered with their attention and nice gestures. This is the "honeymoon phase" - where they catch you and convince you that they are the best thing that ever happened to you. Remember the business saying "If it's too good to be true it probably is (too good to be true)!" You may be so overwhelmed by this display of instant attraction, instant commitment, and instant planning for the future that you'll miss the major point - it doesn't make sense!! Normal, healthy individuals require a long process to develop a relationship because there is so much at stake. Healthy individuals will wait for a lot of information before offering a commitment - not three weeks. It's true that we can become infatuated with others quickly - but not make such unrealistic promises and have the future planned after three dates. The rapid warm-up is always a sign of shallow emotions which later cause "The Loser" to detach from you as quickly as they committed. "The Loser" typically wants to move in with you or marry you in less than four weeks or very early in the relationship.



bunny

[phoenix]

bye

[Just Wondering]

Hi Onyx and Guest,

It's been 3 months since I've seen or heard from my ex. And the relationship was only 3 months long to begin with. (And yes, Guest, he committed WAY WAY fast and I mistakenly thought it was VERY VERY romantic and mature and that we were simply both ready and knew what we wanted, etc...etc...).

So, if he doesn't re-emerge to attempt to torture me further, does that for sure mean he is not NPD?  Maybe, he realized I am too smart for that kind of treatment and I would expose him. He definitely has some level of narcissism. What he did makes so little sense.

Here I am, still thinking about him and trying to process what happened. And I get this sense that he hasn't given me a second thought. Could that really be? If so, THAT is really sick, considering how "close" we were. Is he really THAT shallow? I am over most of the pain, but my zest for life has not yet returned. I am feeling pretty subdued and not terribly motivated these days.

This is the first time I've ever participated in an Internet message board like this. Thanks for all of your inputs.

Wondering

[nassim]

Hi Wondering,

I'm not trying to be mean here. But I was just wondering how you got attached so fast? I would think that apropo for someone younger but you stated you were 40. Again, I'm not trying to be hard on you. I just wanted to know how you could invest emotionally so heavily after only 1 month or so. Is there more to the story? You mentioned you met on-line. Was that a long relationship?

I'm sorry for your devastation. Sometimes thinking in practical terms after the fact makes you realize you haven't lost much (in terms of a quality relationship) and makes it easier to heal. At least that worked for me many years ago when I had a short but painful relationship.

Good luck in getting the answers you seek.

Nassim

[Just Wondering]

Hi Nassim,

Your question is a good one. I think I got attached so fast because he appeared to have all the qualities I've been looking for for so long and we had so much in common and we were very attracted to one another. One of the big 'shortcuts to my heart' was the fact that he was a vegan. Not sure if you know that term, but less than one percent of the population fits that category. I too am vegan and it is my core value and to find someone that had all the things he had, plus this one, was HUGE. Finally, he was very good with words. I fell in love with all the things he said to me. They weren't just flattery. They were a well articulated and clear expression of why I was the one he'd waited for for many lifetimes. Plus, even though I've been in many relationships in my life, I have never been married. I thought my turn had finally come. So, that is why I fell for him. You can be sure I will never again let anything else go so fast again.

Thanks for your question. It helps me clarify it for myself.

Wondering