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Was My Ex-Fiance a Narcissist?

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Just Wondering:
Hi Everyone,

I had a very bizarre experience with a man that led me to research NPD. In a nutshell, I met him on the Internet and he swept me off my feet with about 150 pages of the most articulate, romantic emails ever. He was charming, attractive, funny, well employed, a great lover, etc.... He proposed marriage after only knowing me for a month. I accpeted because I attributed it to perfect compatibility and maturity on both our parts (we're both in our 40's) and simply knowing what we want. He sold his home, moved to the city where I live, bought me a ring, had an engagement party for all of his family and friends. We had a wedding date and location set. We were house hunting together. Then, 2 hours before he was to meet my mother for the first time, he broke off the engagement, saying it went too fast, but that he was still committed to the relationship. I asked if he would see a counselor with me and he said he would. Two days later, he reiterated his commitment to the relationship and to counseling. Two days after that, he announced he was moving away to another state. He went to that other state and bought a house overnight. At that point, I pretty much ended the relationship. In communicating with people in his life, he told them our relationship was over, and then he went on and on about how wonderful his new house is.

Does anyone recognize NPD in any of this? Thanks!

Wondering

Anonymous:
Wondering,

He sounds like an "Ambivalent Man." You will find a lot of support on this group:

http://www.rhondafindling.com/phpBB2/index.php4

It's all women who have suffered at the hands of ambivalent, confusing men. I think it's a very warm, nice group. I only lurk there.

bunny

Onyx:
Sounds to me like this guy is a commitment phobic! Loves the idea of having a deep intimate relationship, but is incapable of being the other half of one! As with all fantasists.....they're just that! Reality is just that......a people like the guy you've written about don't survive in today's real world for too long! He's probably done you a favour in the long run! I know that that sounds bad, but if you had have invested more in this relationship, christ knows what the hell he was capable of doing next!

I was frightened of flying years ago! So much so, I hated the thought of getting into a plane! I was really bad with it, but new I had to overcome it! So rather than pushing myself into being a passenger on the plane, I learned to fly them! I beat my phobia by understanding what went on up front in the cockpit! Now if I'm flying as a passenger, I often fall asleep before the planes in the air, as stay that way even during takeoff!

Your man was pushing himself into doing something he really couldn't do......yet! It may have been as a result of some bad relationship he was in previously! Then again, it could be because he is an Narcissist with  NPD. I would think that if he is one, he would have stuck around until he'd sucked you dry! He would have then crippled your personality and character before leaving you broken hearted and penniless!

It's difficult to say, as I didn't live what you did. You'd have to tell me more....but even then I couldn't really say one way or the other! What I can advise is this: If you're in any real distress over what has happened and can't seem to move on in the short term, consider seeking sooner rather than later, professional therapy. I know this possibly isn't what you wanted to hear, but worry about yourself and therefore your welfare first!

Just Wondering:
To those of you who replied, thank you. The reason I suspect NPD is that he idealized me beyond belief and he devalued me very abruptly. His past is also full of financial instability and impulsiveness, alcohol abuse and an eating disorder, a history of constantly moving and changing jobs, and leaving a first marriage very abruptly saying he'd "changed his mind" about wanting to be married with a family (they had a 5 year old at the time). Also, the way he left me with no regard for timing or my feelings seemed so lacking in any kind of empathy. I researched NPD, sent a copy of the paper to his ex-wife, and she really thought it described him to a tee.

Yes, I know in the long run I am better off without him. But in the short run, he seemed to be the man I had waited many lifetimes for (another trait of Narcissists: being perfectly wonderful in the beginning).

Thanks again.

Wondering

Onyx:
Obviously you feel as if you've been run over by a steam train! Out from the blue it pounced, squashed you to within width of a penny and then disappeared in a cloud of hissing confusion and into the night! If you're right about him, then you'll probably agree with the above!

Narcissists with NPD leave a trail of emotional distruction in their wakes.....and they couldn't give a damn about it! It's part of the condition, they are very 'cell' like in how they deal with things. Anything that remotely makes them look bad will be sealed in an air tight bag and float off out to sea on a river! It never happened....and certainly not the way you said it did anyway!

You'll make yourself ill trying to figure out why! You'll punish the hell out of yourself and find fault with you when there probably isn't any! You'll toss and turn trying to pin the tail on yourself saying that it was all your fault why he left!

You can mourn the loss of a relationship, it's quite normal! A NPDer has possibly  and actively identified a vunerability within you! It might be some so simple as that you are a good and kind person! Whatever it was, they've used it to get close to you. They've repeated words that you've uttered but not realised they've mirrored back to you later! You tell them xyz, later they'll play that back to you in some other context......and you'll immediately say that you feel exactly the same way and how uncanny was that that they you think as you do!

You will keep telling them your thoughts of just how compatible you are....and they'll play it right back to you!! What you have to realise is that they were after something from you in the first place......he used you somehow......and you never realised it....probably! You mention sex......maybe he's Somatic as a Narcissist and this is how he got his Narcissist Supply/Fix (NS). It could be anything......but he probably started to feel his overwhelming need to run as you got closer to him. He had to get away before you discovered something really unpleasant about him. You were probably getting close to finding out what you now have! He was a fraud!

Treated him and it as you would a virus on your PC! Isolate it, then bin it! Otherwise it will take over your life and could quite possibly destroy it!

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