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Was My Ex-Fiance a Narcissist?

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Just Wondering:
Onyx,

Your summary rings very true. I fell in love the the Pretend Guy who was absolutely incredible. (The Actual Guy is really NOT nice). I really think his letters to me are worthy of publication, they are THAT good. And he did lead me to believe we had all the same dreams and goals. He probably just glommed onto the dreams and goals I'd articulated. He used my emotional vulnerabilities to hurt me. Things I'd confessed to him, he turned around and used against me later. I so wish I could tell everyone what he did. I could actually. I have his email distribution list. But it would only make me look somehow crazy. Your advice is good: I should just delete him as he so callously deleted me.

How'd you learn so much about NPD?

Wondering

Anonymous:

--- Quote from: Just Wondering ---His past is also full of financial instability and impulsiveness, alcohol abuse and an eating disorder, a history of constantly moving and changing jobs, and leaving a first marriage very abruptly saying he'd "changed his mind" about wanting to be married with a family (they had a 5 year old at the time).
--- End quote ---


When did you find out this ugly stuff about him, and what was your reaction to learning it?

bunny

Just Wondering:
I found out most of it AFTER he left me. But, some things I had an inkling of before, especially the financial situation. This is a man who has been a professional pilot for over 20 years and has very little to show for it. I was so in love with him and so attracted to him and so seduced by all of his words that I really closed my eyes to it. Some of the impulsiveness, he demonstrated to me in how quickly he proposed, and how quickly he put his house up for sale and sold it and moved. He's known me just over a month when all that happened. Silly me. I just attributed it to my Fairy Tale finally coming true for me.

Anonymous:
My 'event' came to a spluttering end finally in 2002! Like you, it was a very real and painful experience for me! Amazingly, I hadn't realised just how invested I was in that relationship! I was lucky......no that's not right! I was fortunate in having a women who worked as a Counsellor live below me in our block of flats!

She had computer problems and new I was fairly good at sorting things out when she got into trouble with hers. She also was aware of my relationship with my ex and had kind of being watching from a distance as to what had been going on. She new I was in trouble and pointed me in the right direction. We are friends and she couldn't get involved in counselling me......but she did gently push me in a certain direction. The rest I learned through reading and the internet. They are some very good sites and there is one in particular that boosted me enormously. I'll dig it out for you if I can remember later!

I was lucky......and I really mean it this time! My NPDer still kept in touch with me because I was financially useful to her! She had reclassified me as a 'friend'......but only when it came to be bailing her out! Anyway, having read huge amounts of material, I could now use what I'd learned in order to prove to myself that she did suffer with NPD. I was staggered by how accuritly I could now forecast what she was going to say and do in advance.........and by god she would more often than not, seldom fail to let me down!!

She became a bit of a lab rat for me! I'd set a train of thought in motion for her, then step back and watch how she'd slowly perform to order! I was staggered at just how much I'd misinterpreted her actions when I was in the relationship with her! Now I could see her for what she really was. I had to pretend that what I was now seeing didn't hurt me! But in truth, inside I was devastated at just how wrong I'd been!

Like you now, you can't undertand, fathom out what the hell happened. You can't logic your way around the problem. You've tried to reason and rationalise it, but still inside you are lost for an explanation of what happened. The sad part about it is.....there isn't going to be on coming from him! Or at least not one that is going to paint you out to be anything else other than mad!

Sit back and do nothing. Don't engage the guy in any form of interaction whatsoever! I know this is going to be hard for you, but even now, he's playing on a perceived weakness he thinks he knows about you.......if he is indeed a Narcissist! In time if, and I'm talking weeks or a month or two, he will attempt to re-engage you in the game he was playing. He will be very very convincing! Get ready to set him up and see what happens. Remember they are incredibly naive!

Test him! Figure out what he's really after. Lure him in to the point when he thinks he's about to get it, then switch the head lights on full beam and stick the mirrors in front of him! Explore his financial past with his ex wife. Learn more about the real person he doesn't want you to know about! These things are the beams of light and mirrors that you need to use against him. He's cleverly shaped what he wanted to see.......now show him the truth! Like a vampire, he'll shrivel up and die in the light of day, never to f..k with you again!

Presuming he is a Narcissist with NPD of course!

 :lol:

Onyx

Anonymous:
Check out this site (it's a psychologist's site).

http://www.drjoecarver.com/

His article I'm quoting from is,"Identifying Losers in Relationships." Here's an excerpt:


2. Quick Attachment and Expression "The Loser" has very shallow emotions and connections with others. One of the things that might attract you to "The Loser" is how quickly he or she says "I Love You" or wants to marry or commit to you. Typically, in less than a few weeks of dating you'll hear that you're the love of their life, they want to be with you forever, and they want to marry you. You'll receive gifts, a variety of promises, and be showered with their attention and nice gestures. This is the "honeymoon phase" - where they catch you and convince you that they are the best thing that ever happened to you. Remember the business saying "If it's too good to be true it probably is (too good to be true)!" You may be so overwhelmed by this display of instant attraction, instant commitment, and instant planning for the future that you'll miss the major point - it doesn't make sense!! Normal, healthy individuals require a long process to develop a relationship because there is so much at stake. Healthy individuals will wait for a lot of information before offering a commitment - not three weeks. It's true that we can become infatuated with others quickly - but not make such unrealistic promises and have the future planned after three dates. The rapid warm-up is always a sign of shallow emotions which later cause "The Loser" to detach from you as quickly as they committed. "The Loser" typically wants to move in with you or marry you in less than four weeks or very early in the relationship.



bunny

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