My Sadness as Father’s Day Approaches

[sunblue]

Here we are again….facing one of those “parent-focused” holidays that serve as an in-your-face reminder of just how much you don’t matter to the person who is supposed to have provided you with unconditional love and attention.

Intellectually, I understand the relationship between a seriously co-dependent, like my Dad and a true Narcissist, like my mom.  This Father’s Day, like every holiday, vacation, weekend and other instances, my dad (in large part, thanks to my N mom) will choose once again to spend his special day only with his Golden Child (my Nsister).  This is not new----it has been going on for years----yet, each and every time, I feel that personal injury, hurt and sadness that comes with knowing I don’t matter. 

Yesterday, the news programs were filled with stories about journalist Tim Russert who also wrote a best-selling book about his close relationship with his father.  It was a very touching book as it described a parent-child relationship that each one of us should have  Yet, as children of narcissists or co-dependents, no matter what we do, we can never have that.  I think as my dad gets older, particularly, the pain magnifies as you realize that no matter how much you want it or need it, you’ll never have a close, loving relationship with your parent.

Tomorrow is Dad’s Day and my dad will not give my brother or I a second thought.  As my dad’s birthday happens to be a week after father’s day, my brother and I have offered to take my dad to dinner in the middle of the coming week.  We make this offer in this way because we already know he plans to spend both Father’s Day weekend and his birthday weekend with my Nsister.  My brother and I always must work our schedules around her.  If we didn’t make this mid-week offer, my dad would not make any special time for us to help him celebrate this special days.  Sometimes that reality is so hard-hitting, it is overwhelming.  I think maybe that is true because in the co-dependent parent/partner, we are better able to see a sliver of hope.  The co-dependent (either because of their own upbringing, fear of the N or own choice) is aware of the wrongdoing, is perhaps capable of different circumstances if only they had the courage to choose.

I was reading a magazine recently that had one of those popular columns where a married couple discuss their marital issues with a therapist.  The husband and wife each tell their side and the doctor sums up with analysis and advice.  In this article, one of the wife’s issues was that she was raised in a narcissistic household.  The doctor’s analysis includes:

“Her childhood had shaped her behavior  Both her parents were narcissists—manipulative attention-seekers who never take responsibility for being wrong.  Adult children of narcissists are often insecure and unhappy, having tried to please their parents only to fall short again and again.  She had unrealistic expectations for herself and her life, and when her life did not match those expectations, she retreated into a perpetual state of disappointment. Narcissists don’t take responsibility for their actions “

I thought that summed it up pretty well, as sad as it might be.

Presently, I’m going through a hard time as well.  I’ve written before that after a very long job search, I landed in a situation that is extremely toxic.  My boss is dictatorial and no doubt, a narcissist herself.  She has caused more than a quarter of the staff to leave since her arrival less than a year ago.  I have to work every night and weekend and I am finding that once again I am in job search mode.  It had been my hope that once I found a job, I could work towards saving money so I could move away from my Nparents….But now I’m back in limbo land…..It seems nothing ever gets better for me and yet I’m surrounded by people who seem to get much, if not all, of what they want and need.

Perhaps it’s this holiday that has once again saddened me.  Perhaps it is a combination of the holiday, the reality of my parents’ choosing my Nsister so obviously and consistently and a really negative work situation….but it all adds up to so much pain and sadness.

I hope that some of you have a good Father’s Day weekend…..It would be nice to know that there are some children of narcissist parents who have at least one parent who cares about them.  It is a beautiful, sunny day out there, but I can’t help but feel like it’s winter

Just a little vent….If anyone can identify with anything I’m saying, please let me know.  It would be nice to hear.

[lighter]

((((Sun))))

Sorry the upcoming holiday is bringing sadness for you.

I expect many here will be sharing similar emotions.

On the job dilemma.... you're gaining strength and independance, even while you struggle.

Save your money and keep looking..... it'll be OK. 

Tayana pulled herself up by her bootstraps, and so can you.

She got out of her parent's home....

and so can you.

It's easier to find a job, when you have a job so..... see what's around the corner for you.

I want to say that I used to take my children to visit elderly people in retirement homes. 

Whatever cute school song and dance they were doing..... was performed over and over to the great pleasure of the residents.

We also go for walks with the doggies and visit.  BIG fun for all, esp the dogs who adore the attention.

There's so much appreciation and connection from these wonderful wise people. 

It always makes me feel loved and appreciated when I visit and I'd imagine Father's Day might leave some folks as open for connection as you.

 Maybe call around and see if there's some wondreful place you can fill, for yourself and others?  Manning the cookie table, visiting with those who have no family or family that can't travel.

Reminds me that there are many out there who need affection and appreciation too.  I like their stories and sometimes they have wonderful gems to offer when I ask them what they'd do differently, if they had it to do over again.

I love one on one conversations so I find it satisfying... you may find other things lift you up.

If you extend yourself somewhere in your community... you may receive unexpected gifts.

Maybe even referals for jobs or a path out of the woods you hadn't noticed before.  New perspective? 

People generally regret what they've left undone, at the ends of their lives.

What is it that you want to accomplish? 

You have choices and time to figure it out..... and I know you're focused and committed to finding the answers.

You can choose how you spend it and how you feel about it..... you're learning how.

I believe you can do it.... though it's one 2 steps forward, 1 step back and can feel like we're not gaining. 

We learn every day.

(((Blue))) 

Lighter

[Ami]

Just wanted to say "Hello", Sun.
I  am sorry that the holiday brings pain and sorrow. Holidays do that, especially when we have so much FOO pain and sorrow.
It is a hard day for me, too.
We will weather it, together, as cyber friends.
You are not alone, Sun.   Love   Ami

[sunblue]

Thank you  all for your thoughtful and kind responses.  I hope you are enjoying your day, especially those of you who are lucky enough to have some kind of healthy relationship with your dad....

I thought I'd share a small update about my original post----sadness about this day.  I was watching coverage of the passing of broadcaster Tim Russert who was known as a committed father to his son and son to his beloved dad.  In an interview, his elderly dad noted that he would do anything for his son and knew that his son would do anything for him.  By all accounts, it appeared that they enjoyed a close, loving relationship.

I couldn't help but compare it to the reality of my situation.  I mentioned in my original post that my dad had planned, as always, to spend his father's day with my N sister and N mom.  Unexpectedly, he did not follow through with those plans today because he woke up not feeling well.  For the last couple of days, he wasn't feeling well due to a change in his medicaton.  It's nothing major but he just wasn't up to traveling to my Nsister's today...so my Nmom painfully called my Nsister to tell her they wouldn't be going.  My dad took a much-needed nap and awoke feeling much better.  I know he enjoys going out to breakfast on Sundays so I suggested I take him and my mom to breakfast for Father's Day.  Naturally, both my Nmom firmly said "no" and of course, my co-dependent dad agreed.  Instead, he quickly suggested that he and my Nmom take a drive to see my Nsister after all.  My Nmom nixed that because we are expecting more rain here and she didn't want to venture out.

Witnessing this exchange, I was painfully reminded of a couple of things:

*My Nmom's narcissistic obsession and need to manipulate.  I realize now that the reason she immediately jumped to nix my idea of going out for breakfast is because she would never do anything which my Nsis might regard as choosing me or my brother over her.  Naturally, it's perfectly okay to constantly ignore myself and my brother over my sis, but not the other way around.  In her way, she was "punishing" me.  If (due to unforeseen circumstances), my dad couldn't enjoy his day with my Nsis (the chosen one), well then he certainly wasn't going to do so with his other two children.

*My dad's inability to consider anyone but my mom and Nsis.  The fact that he jumped to suggest that he dirve out to my sister's after all indicates not only that he gave no thought to me or my brother, but also that he (like my Nmom) only thinks of my Nsis.  On this Father's Day, he has absolutely no interest in spending time with his other two children, including my brother who is a father himself.  Never a phone call to wish him a happy day...never a thought about us.  He routinely disregards us as a matter of course. 

*Finally, what I was reminded of is that while I was thinking of ways to make his Father's Day a nice one, choosing a hearfelt card and gift, offering ways to spend time with him, it is quite apparent he has no interest in doing so.  What I realized once again, is that I don't matter....having a relationship with me or his only son doesn't matter.  He has no interest in having a good relationship with his children...He simply doesn't care.  But if my Nsis phones or needs something, he quite literally drops everything, goes into a panic until he can give her whatever she wants at the moment.  I guess I realized that not only will I never have a mom who cares or takes interest in me, I won't have a dad either.  And with my dad, it's his choice.  He's not a narcissist...Deep down, whether he's able to acknowledge it or not, he knows better.  He knows their behavior hurts his other children...he simply doesn't care.  All that matters are the narcissists in his life.  He conveniently looks the other way. 

As I searched for greeting cards this Father's Day, as with Mother's Day, it was so hard to select one...Because all the flowerly sentiment about your parent "always being there for you," "being your best friend," "being someone you can always count on," "being that person who taught you all the important things in life" simply aren't true.  In fact, they're so far from the truth. 

I'm left feeling really alone...I know I have to learn to look elsewhere...to stop hoping...to stop caring....to stop taking it personally...but it is so hard.  With so many negative things in my life, it just seems that all of this is too much.  I was always one of those people, even from a very young age, when I understood the really important things in life are family and friends.  And no matter how hard I've tried, I've never had any of those....It seems in my family, I was always the sentimental one...the one who wrote heartfelt poems or letters, the one who went out of her way to find just the right gift that the recipeient always wanted...the one who tried to make every holiday or event special for other family members...And what I realized is that no one ever tried to do the same for me...It wasn't the end result, it was the very thought that mattered...The idea that someone cared enough to think of you in that way....And that just never happened...

So yes, I guess I am sad....Not only to be reminded of how hopeless it is, but also to witness yet again the damage and pain that my Nmom has caused....It would be so nice of there were some justice....if somehow, all the hurt that we, as those on the receiving end of narcissists, could somehow be redeemed...But increasingly, I've come to understand that won't happen.  For whatever reason, narcissists just seem to keep getting whatever they want....my guess, is because they simply don't have the same kind of needs as the rest of us do.  One person is the same as another to them.  As long as they get their narcissistic supply, it doesn't matter if it comes from a daughter or husband or colleague or stranger.  As long as they get what they want, that's all that matters....No one else matters to them...the rest of the world is invisible...

A very sad revelation indeed....

[Leah]

My heart goes out to you (((((((((( Sunblue )))))))))))

I have been out in the garden  (I am back indoors to cool down and will return shortly) and whilst in the garden reading, I have listened to family in the distance enjoying this "Father's Day" together.  I really do know how you feel at this time, and I too feel the same kind of feelings, and wonder what it must be like to have a "normal" loving family -- whatever that may be?!

Just wanted to stand alongside you with a big wholesome hug of genuine empathy and love.

Love, Leah