Here we are again….facing one of those “parent-focused” holidays that serve as an in-your-face reminder of just how much you don’t matter to the person who is supposed to have provided you with unconditional love and attention.
Intellectually, I understand the relationship between a seriously co-dependent, like my Dad and a true Narcissist, like my mom. This Father’s Day, like every holiday, vacation, weekend and other instances, my dad (in large part, thanks to my N mom) will choose once again to spend his special day only with his Golden Child (my Nsister). This is not new----it has been going on for years----yet, each and every time, I feel that personal injury, hurt and sadness that comes with knowing I don’t matter.
Yesterday, the news programs were filled with stories about journalist Tim Russert who also wrote a best-selling book about his close relationship with his father. It was a very touching book as it described a parent-child relationship that each one of us should have Yet, as children of narcissists or co-dependents, no matter what we do, we can never have that. I think as my dad gets older, particularly, the pain magnifies as you realize that no matter how much you want it or need it, you’ll never have a close, loving relationship with your parent.
Tomorrow is Dad’s Day and my dad will not give my brother or I a second thought. As my dad’s birthday happens to be a week after father’s day, my brother and I have offered to take my dad to dinner in the middle of the coming week. We make this offer in this way because we already know he plans to spend both Father’s Day weekend and his birthday weekend with my Nsister. My brother and I always must work our schedules around her. If we didn’t make this mid-week offer, my dad would not make any special time for us to help him celebrate this special days. Sometimes that reality is so hard-hitting, it is overwhelming. I think maybe that is true because in the co-dependent parent/partner, we are better able to see a sliver of hope. The co-dependent (either because of their own upbringing, fear of the N or own choice) is aware of the wrongdoing, is perhaps capable of different circumstances if only they had the courage to choose.
I was reading a magazine recently that had one of those popular columns where a married couple discuss their marital issues with a therapist. The husband and wife each tell their side and the doctor sums up with analysis and advice. In this article, one of the wife’s issues was that she was raised in a narcissistic household. The doctor’s analysis includes:
“Her childhood had shaped her behavior Both her parents were narcissists—manipulative attention-seekers who never take responsibility for being wrong. Adult children of narcissists are often insecure and unhappy, having tried to please their parents only to fall short again and again. She had unrealistic expectations for herself and her life, and when her life did not match those expectations, she retreated into a perpetual state of disappointment. Narcissists don’t take responsibility for their actions “
I thought that summed it up pretty well, as sad as it might be.
Presently, I’m going through a hard time as well. I’ve written before that after a very long job search, I landed in a situation that is extremely toxic. My boss is dictatorial and no doubt, a narcissist herself. She has caused more than a quarter of the staff to leave since her arrival less than a year ago. I have to work every night and weekend and I am finding that once again I am in job search mode. It had been my hope that once I found a job, I could work towards saving money so I could move away from my Nparents….But now I’m back in limbo land…..It seems nothing ever gets better for me and yet I’m surrounded by people who seem to get much, if not all, of what they want and need.
Perhaps it’s this holiday that has once again saddened me. Perhaps it is a combination of the holiday, the reality of my parents’ choosing my Nsister so obviously and consistently and a really negative work situation….but it all adds up to so much pain and sadness.
I hope that some of you have a good Father’s Day weekend…..It would be nice to know that there are some children of narcissist parents who have at least one parent who cares about them. It is a beautiful, sunny day out there, but I can’t help but feel like it’s winter
Just a little vent….If anyone can identify with anything I’m saying, please let me know. It would be nice to hear.