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Are Nkids more insightful?

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Ellie:
Hi ch,
I almost agree with your post, but I want to ask your opinion about this situation.

What about those of us who were not what our Nparents wanted when we were born - doesn't that make it personal? Like I was supposed to be a boy, but wasn't, so Ndad was angry at Nmom and never accepted me for who I am, and Nmom was angry that I wasn't what Ndad wanted so it had to be my fault and I have felt the fall-out from it all of my life.

I'm really not trying to argue your point, I'm asking for an insight on this situation. I know that the way I was treated and still am treated is not really personal - Nparents treat anyone they hate this way. But they do not treat the other siblings as badly. So in that situation, is it not personal?

Sorry to appear argumentative - I detest disagreeing with anyone, but I'm trying to understand that it is ok to disagree and still be friends. So I really want your opinion and I'm practicing.  :)

ch:
Hi Ellie,

First thing first.  you don't need to apologize or feel bad about disagreeing on the board.  It's ok.  we are sharing ideas and having discussions.  I really enjoy this alot.  I am in search of alot of answers too.

I too was supposed to be a boy. but i asked myself, "what control do you,as a fetus, have over your own gender?"  "and how were you supposed to know what your parents wanted before you were born?"  you mean it was our job, as a zygote or embryo to know and to fulfill those desires of our parents?"  NO WAY!  Phooey!!

I was treated very badly by my male-worshipping patriarchal family because i was a girl.  After almost a decade as an only child, enduring child abuse, my sister was born, quickly followed by a brother--the sole heir to the family throne!!

One day, my aunt revealed that my sister got a good deal and was treated better than me because she brought good luck to the family by bringing on the birth of our brother.   I couldn't believe such hogwash.  But it was true in terms of how favoritism was used toward my sister and brother, and using me as the scapegoat.

Still, i do not take it personally because their irrational thinking is illogical.  I did not cause another girl to be born into the family!!!  i am not bad luck!!!  I was used as a scapegoat simply because i did not conform to their wicked ways.  I liked to reveal the truth.  I stood up and challenged them.

Fortunately, i was smart and wise for my age, so i understood the favoritism was only a disguise for something unhealthy.  I did not do much to intervene and to disrupt this unhealhty family system because i knew such efforts would be futile and wasted. Instead, i turned my energy toward academics, and focused on friendships with neighbors and teachers.

So, you see, i still don't take it personally.  
Sometimes, i wonder, how another girl would have handled things in my position.  Would she have been tougher?  or softer and been more victimized.  I just know for sure that it was not my fault that i am a girl, and that i am who i am--pretty damn smart with inner strength.  And honestly, i have always felt lucky, even during the worst times.  

Since learning of NPD as the culprit of many if not all of the things that went wrong with my childhood, i understand why someone like me, who looks so good and normal on the outside, for some strange reason, cannot seem to thrive.  Now, i understand why.  Now, i can start to recover.  

ch

Ellie:
Thanks so much for the explanation. You and I are very much alike!

I had 2 sisters and was the middle. I and everyone who knew me blamed my being the 'black sheep' of the family on just that - being the middle child. So for years that's what I always said when someone would ask why I was not spending a holiday with my family or having family over for holidays. I said "oh I'm the middle child and just never did fit in".

But after years of becoming the real me and seeking a fulfilling life on my own - of course the disgrace from the family went along with this - 'you cannot think for yourself and have a life without us, you can't get along without us...".

But like you, I got into academics, sports, and learning to enjoy the things in life I loved, even though no one else supported me. I became a loner when it came to family, but had a wealth of friends and many activities I loved!

I became somewhat prosperous for a child that was brought up to be frugal and live like a pauper. I was single until 27 so I had a few wonderful vacations and just lived life up! This behavior was regarded by my family as extravegant, show off, coming across as better than them, etc.

My H has been very successful in his career and is a high level manager. I have a great job in IT and my family says we are too good for them. I realize now that this is all just cop-outs for them because they just don't want to admit they don't like me/us. But I've also realized I can't stand them either. I can't stand to be around them, hear their wining, see their disgusting anul behaviors and it's fine with me that we stay seperate.

For years I felt so much guilt for not being able to measure up to their expectations like my sisters did, and it did not make sense because I was the only one to graduate from college the first to purchase a new home, my own car, and vacation in exciting places. I was the only one to have male kids also. All of these things made the Nparents more angry. I was SO confused why I couldn't make them appreciate my life when all they could do was tell me how much a failure I am.

After learning about Ns I realized they were the ones they saw as a failure and were porjecting onto me. I don't really take it all personally but I do. Sometimes I am just so confused, but I've come to realize if I just stop thinking about them, and stop trying to figure it all out, it starts to make perfectly good sense.

I am so different from all of them ONLY because I allowed myself to think for myself, refuse to listen to them early in life, refuse to obey their stupid rules after I becamse an adult, and continued to seek a fulfilling life for me and my family. If my Nparents hate me for this, it is their problem. I am perfectly happy with mine.

Lately I've been able to relish my rebellious nature and actually have started nuturing it instead of supressing it, thus the posts about H and I getting into motorcycles and the Harley culture.

Truer words have never been spoken than your last paragraph:

--- Quote ---Since learning of NPD as the culprit of many if not all of the things that went wrong with my childhood, i understand why someone like me, who looks so good and normal on the outside, for some strange reason, cannot seem to thrive. Now, i understand why. Now, i can start to recover.
--- End quote ---

ch:
Ellie,
You are doing a great thing by nurturing your rebellious nature.
That is a real big part of you that was never allowed to fully come out, until now.  Don't forget.  YOU WERE RIGHT ALL ALONG!!!

I am a Harley fan too, but don't live in an area where i could enjoy such a sport.

ch:
Just a thought...
would it help to give these patriarchal people a lesson on how sex is determined?  should we explain the workings of the x and y chromosomes?

This reminds me of the injust story of that fat French king, Henry the VIII, was it? who beheaded the queen who did not bear him any sons.

So many years after, it is appauling to see that society has not evolved much.

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