Was there insest?

[PnkDragn3]

I have suspected for many years that my Nfather molested me as a child.  When i started trying to remember anything that happened I started having dreams about him doing so.  In my dream I was a very young child maybe 4 or 5.  I was lying in my bed in the middle of the night trying to disassociate from the situation.  I had my head turned to the side and I was pretending to be asleep.  The emotions I had in this dream were that of great sickness.  I cant even discribe exactly how it felt.  I dont think this is an emotion that someone can dream up if it didnt really happen.  

My mother says that I was always rebelious and defiant.  I refused to become somebody that Nfather wanted me to be.  I think this action caused me to get the majority of the "punishments".  Even tho I wouldnt become the person he needed me to be, he was able to cripple me in other ways (emotional, mental, beliefs, etc.)  So now after figuring out that I'm not the one who has the "problem" I am still left with a pile of SH*T I have to deal with in order to move on.  But can we actually move on?

I find this entire situation disableing.  My husband is coming for the weekend and I'm not so sure I want him to.  I havent seen him for 2 weeks but the thought of having sex with him makes me sick.  I know he's not  the enemy but I cant help to think that everyone is the enemy.

[Anonymous]

I think you have compelling reasons to believe that your Nfather molested you, according to what you have written here.  Its  a terrible and painful thing to acknowledge, let alone reveal.  Glad to know that you are brave and trusting. Brava to you!!!  The truth will set you free.  You are already on the road to healing.

As for coping in your marriage, you might need professional counseling so that your relationship to father does not spill over to the husband, afterall, both relationships are so closely linked.  

Don't give up the good work you have done already.  Keep on.

[PnkDragn]

Guest,

I am truely greatful for your encouragement.  I think I am trying really hard to figure things out but feel as if I am getting no where.  I'm sure with time I will see a progress, but I doubt that a truely "happy" self may n ever happen.  But I can still hope...lol

=o)

[ch]

Hi Pinkdragon,

I don't mean to sound pessimistic whatsoever.  But i think you should prepare yourself for a big change in your marital relationship because now that you KNOW, you are forever CHANGED.  You have grown!!  So, don't be hard on yourself if you find that your relationship with your husband will also change. It will be a big test of your relationship.

Hopefully, he will be patient and work things out, and prove his unconditional love.  On the other hand, its a very tall order and maybe too high of an expectation, so be prepared for resistance too.  And stay the course.

But in the end, you will be stronger, and better.  Its very hard to go through all these growing pains, but its also the best thing for you toward achieving authenticity in your life.  

Don't forget that your new friends here are cheering you on.  

ch