Answer to Bean's questions

[CB123]

Leah,

My reference to the past week has to do with when it hit the board.  You're probably right, this has been going on in PM land for much longer.  But most of us (or just me???) have been blissfully unaware of it.  It has only been in the last week or so that we were accorded the need to know.

CB

[Leah]

Leah,

My reference to the past week has to do with when it hit the board.  You're probably right, this has been going on in PM land for much longer.  But most of us (or just me???) have been blissfully unaware of it.  It has only been in the last week or so that we were accorded the need to know.

CB

Hi CB,

I do realize that you have been away from the board for some time.   Generally, I can't speak for anyone else, as to whether they were, or were not, aware of it.

I do think that given the lengthy "What is a Troll" thread and subsequent threads at the time, it may be likely that there are those of whom who were aware.   But, I cannot surmise, one way or the other.

At this juncture, I feel it is wise to look at the whole picture, and bearing in mind, that what flows through all members in PM land, usually does have an effect on the board, in particular, the threads/postings.

Just my experiential thoughts here.    And, I do feel that at this time, now at last that all is out in the open, which is healthy, rather than festering behind the scenes, we can perhaps bring clarity and understanding.

With a real hope of moving on -- to better things, in a wholesome way of "Healthy Community" for all.

Love, Leah

[CB123]

Hi Leah,

A couple of people have commented that I have been away from the board until recently.

I havent been.  I have not been posting.  But I have kept up with the board, usually every day for at least a few minutes.

I decided several months ago that what I am working through at this point in my life was not helpful to discuss on the board, given where most members are.  Many on the board are working through mother issues right now.  My issues are with trying to learn to trust in a post-N romantic relationship.  When I quit posting, the question was on the table about whether more damage had been done to those in N-romantic relationships or N-parental relationships.   I didnt feel there was a place for me in the midst of that discussion, or in the midst of some of the other things that were going on.

I still would like to have a place to talk about what I am slogging through.  I still don't think that this is the time to do it on this board.  But I still care for the people here, I have never stopped caring for what happens here, and I am grieved beyond words for what I have seen posted in the last week.  Since I was not included in the PM discussion, I won't comment on anything there (except to agree with you that it has probably been ongoing for a long time).

CB

[Leah]

((((((((( CB ))))))))))))

I do apologize to you, sincerely.

There again, a case of not knowing, as one can't really know, or be expected to know.  After all, we don't register a time attendance card as in 'clock in' and 'clock out' !  Actually, the same with anyone who decides to sit outside the board, it does not equate to anything untoward, yet, I have witnessed those of whom who choose to think that there is something untoward.  Of which, personally, I had it said about me, in so much as I happened to come and go with postings -- in reference to another(s) board member.  Upon reading the accusation, truly, I was stunned, and found it most bizarre indeed.  (i.e. the mystery poster 'Betelgeuse' who posted in April'08).

Tis a funny old 'on-line' world sometimes, and at other times, not quite so funny, in all seriousness.

Love to you,

Leah

[Leah]

Hi again, CB

Just wanted to say, that with regard to  "My issues are with trying to learn to trust in a post-N romantic relationship"

That is where I am at now, not that I have met anyone, but, the question of  "how do I go about learning to trust someone in a post-N relationship?"

With many questions, and wonderment, on this important next stage.

Having had Nparents and Nexh of course, in the equation.

So, I do hear your need, though of course, personally, I have not yet met anyone.

Love, Leah

[Ami]

NO one can know, for sure, who is a troll .A troll is basically s/one who wants to  bully when it is all said and done. We,as adults, have to form our own conclusions, as we do with all things in life and on the board.

[lupine]

thanks for the feedback, much appreciated.  I PM'd you regarding your other question.

How can anyone have an enlightened discussion when the PMs are really driving the discussion?  This is so "small town".   And I think it is manipulative.  To those who have just read the thread, it suggests there is an inner clique that "knows" the real scoop.  So the issue becomes one of how to be part of the inner clique in order to have their voice heard.  Of course, it does suggest that one needs to have an inner circle.......in order to be really heard???

Look, if you need to have that inner circle of what you consider to be your true communication, go for it.  However, in the interest of those of us who naively assume that we are speaking one to one, give a disclaimer???

For example the disclaimer could be: I'm posting this for all the board....but I have my "true" friends who tell me what everyone else is really thinking and saying????  And I will respond to them not you accordingly.  In other words, I will post a public reply for those of us who think we are being heard.  And when the communication comes back mixed at best, I will still be at the point I was way back then before I heard of this board.

Sorry, you're not the only one who does this.

[ann3]

Many on the board are working through mother issues right now.  My issues are with trying to learn to trust in a post-N romantic relationship.

Hi CB,

I would love to hear your insights regarding learning to trust in a post-N romantic relationship.

For me, recovery from the effects of N-dom colors almost all aspects of my life as I navigate all types of relationships and environments:  parental, familial, romantic, friends, work, etc.   I feel that discussion of any one type of relationship or environment doesn't negate any other type. 

In my post N awareness,  am scared shipless at the thought of entering into a romantic relationship, so I would love it if you could share your discoveries.

Thanks.
love,
ann

[Ami]

Mother relationships, romantic relationships, it is all good , all important,all worthwhile to discuss(IMO)      Ami

[lupine]

I'm sorry you think it's a gossipy back-land.

Thanks Bean.  I do think it is like gossip.  It is like having an invisible audience casting opinions on an exchange between two people and influencing only one of them. 

I also live in a very rural area where everyone is related to everyone else and they have all lived here for hundreds of years and I am very tired of constantly having to gauge my words to make everyone happy or at least not challenged.  (I mean like I think voicelessness was created here  )  So, it is more about me and my impatience at trying to read between the lines and not about the value of private messages and how they are used on this board so much.... I've sent them myself....when I thought someone was being unfairly crucified....but when I thought about it, I got mad at myself for not posting it publically because I was afraid they would turn on me!!  So it wasn't worth it. 

I'm too old to be so insecure 

[lupine]

I'm sorry, but you cannot come in late and rewrite history.  If you want to know what happened, listen closely.  If you don't, what are you doing here on this thread?  I'm wondering.

I cannot rewrite history.  I am only commenting on history.  But you do bring up a good point.  When a post is made, pms fly back and forth and posts are deleted,(

And in subsequent threads which were subsequently deleted.

), geez, I am only human.  I can't begin to follow what the original point was at times. 

Look, all I am saying is that I assumed the original intent of this board was to garner feedback from everyone and not create a clique of cohorts who support one's agenda which a fair amount of pms do.  Ask me how I know.  Ok, I assume you asked. 

You, yourself once vilified me in public and then sent me a pm requesting my support in your position against another board member.  I did, at that time, listen very closely.  I responded in a thread called Please don't PM me.  I'm not the brightest light on the tree, I get confused easily...and my solution is to not pm.  Unless of course it is about a particularly attractive recipe for a chicken casserole.

Again, I think you should (and that is a collective "you") put it all out there for everyone.  What do pms do for you? 

To continue on.  In answer to your question, I don't know what I am doing on this thread other than it is very hot here and I can't sleep.  I'm worried about the price of oil and my neighbor who is in her eighties cannot afford to heat her house this coming winter.  She won't consider moving ....her kids hate her ... and she is not pleasant but all my neighbors and I don't want to see her die in her house.   She locks herself in refusing to answer any knocks on the door.  She also thinks her kids love her.  Now ....that is a real  problem. 

Yeah, you're right.  I'll focus on my neighbor and let this pm business alone.  Of course unless you're very interested and I would be entirely willing to restate my position.  But it's just my position; it's not an attack.  But maybe it sounds like an attack which I should remember when I am called on something via this board.  If I get my back up immediately, I will have to count to ten and just absorb the comment and decide if I need to go into survival mode or a "reflective" mode...hmmmmmm  I hope it's the latter......

Anyway, now that pms have been discussed ad nauseum......heating oil is going to be the coming if not current crisis.  We can choose to drive or not but we have to maintain a certain level of warmth in our homes.  More later.....

[Izzy_*now*]

You, yourself once vilified me in public and then sent me a pm requesting my support in your position against another board member.  I did, at that time, listen very closely.  I responded in a thread called Please don't PM me

OMG! That is unconscionable!

[gjazz]

lupine: Take good care of your neighbor, if you can.  I also live in a small town, but I moved here from Manhattan, and there's not much difference, in some ways.  Contrary to your own self-judgment you don't get easily confused, and I have many good chicken recipes.  Keep in touch.  If there's anything I can do to help with the issues that brought you here, let me know.

[Izzy_*now*]

shocked at the audacity of some couple's child.