Needs

[Ami]

I just had an  ephiany after talking to my friend.
I see how I really DID have to become a "blank" with my M and am STILL doing it ,now, with myself and other people.
As I go out in to 3D more, I feel paralyzed with fear, like I can't move,  stuck, can't move in my own behalf, to protect myself, take care of myself. I must submit to whatever and whoever.
  The larger underlying thing is that I cannot have a need, any need. I am "bad' if I have a need, for respect, care, honor, safety, anything, really.
 I see how I attached the concept of "bad" to any need
 I thought "Who do I think I am?"
*I* am supposed to fill needs, NOT have them.
 I have been "on" in my life and I don't want to do it ,anymore.
 "On" is meeting other people's needs, first, as a have-to , a meaning of my own existence--bleh.
                           Ami
 

[sea storm]

Ami

Thank you for bringing this up.  Being on is pretty unreal.  I am just settling down from being hypervigiant and fearful and relazing into just being.  just being is better.  I think that the state of being on is akin to Narcissism.  Every one has it and a lot of people just live there all the time.  I don't think this is really llving.  It sucks the vitality out of a person.  There is no way to detach and be a witness in life.  There is always the need to run the show.

I think I really bug people when I am being on.   Mostly I bug myself.  This is related to Budhist descriptions of different consciousnesses.  Just being with who one is and not acting it out. For instance, being annoyed with someone and detaching and saying, " Oh this is how annoyance feels" and then letting it go.  I think I would hang on to feelings like a terrier with bone and make people responsible for my reaction to them. This created a big mess usually.

Hope this makes some kind of sense for you.

[Ami]

Thanks Sea
  I had a breakthrough by seeing how I could not have needs w/out feeling I was "bad". I cannot believe all the skewed thinking I have.So many skews, so little time(lol) but I guess you take one at a time .
 Thanks so much for responding, Sea.       Love    Ami

[seasons]

Hi Ami,

I had a breakthrough by seeing how I could not have needs w/out feeling I was "bad".

((Hugs)) Why do we think we don't count? Everyone has needs "us" included that need to be met! Oh the damage the foo brings to our hearts and souls.

Being "on" is exhausting. Happy for your realization, first step to overcoming it. love seasons

[Ami]

Dear Seasons,
 It feels good to be interchanging on a thread ,like this.
 I just realized about needs, today. I DO have needs and that does NOT make me selfish and bad. Boy , the N's have a good gig going to get us to hate ourselves for being human, don't they?
 I feel very tired of fighting these things, endless lies and distortons. So many lies, so little time.
 It was always all about them. How could we have had a chance to be whole and solid?
 I am glad you are sharing, Seasons.     Love    Ami

[Ami]

I realize I have the need for respect. I did not realize this(or have not for  a long time). I, really, do have this need.
It is real.
I really did have to throw most of my needs away.
It is a really heard climb back up, to sanity.
Sometimes ,it feels like I have so many distortions, and many I don't WANT to let go b/c then ALL my reality, so far, goes with them, it seems. It is scary to see your reality "go".            Ami