Dear friends,
I have been very quiet on this board for months. Mostly listening to what goes on. I need to express some of what has been happening to me. I feel afraid because I know that my ex sort of minotaurs or monitors this space. I don't really know. I guess I am just afraid. Recently, he came out of nowhere and threatened to get a lawyer and get back on the deed of the house becauseI was late in making VISA payments. I am pretty clueless about running my life in an orderly and accountant like way. I thought if you pay VISA every month, then you are ok. I learned that if you don't pay by the exact day they record this as a late payment. I have 31 late payments. This has affected my ex's credit rating. He is furious.
Months ago I had begged him to sign a paper to get off the joint line of credit. He did nothing about it and now the rules for obtaining a line of credit are much tougher. HE wants me to pay off the line of credit so he can get his name off it. I explained that I put a suite in the house to pay him off for his part of the house. I ran out of money and used a line of credit. Now I can't get another nickel to pay him off. He repeatedly sent emails threatening me that he would get back on the house deed.
I felt very frightened and it undermined me in so many ways. I felt about five years old. It is like he can just swoop in and destroy whateve ground i have created for myself. I KNOW that I was remiss in not know the VISA rules.
I asked him if it was ok if I made sure by having automatic withdrawl so there would never be another late payment if that would be ok. It was not ok. Originally, if he had signed the paper the whole thing would have been avoided. He thinks I can just sweet talk the banik manager and make her take his name off. The bank did take his name off our joint account but that was before the rules changed.
This must sound terribly boring. Since this happened i have been very depressed. I felt like I was dragging around a hundred pound weight on my shoulders. This probable pleases him no end.
I tried to get a second mortgage but I am maxed out on what I can borrow and even though there is a lot of equity in the house i cant get a mortgage because of the late payments to VISA. I feel like giving up. I broke down and took the money out of my Reg. Retired Savings. The government takes about 20 percent for doing this. So I will pay it out and get rid of the line of credit. At this point I dont have much to live on over the summer. This could not have come at a worse time. I talked to him on the phone and he told me he fell in love with the woman in Alberta and she was a wonderful person blah blah blah. He said that he supported her through a terrible tragedy. and they are great friends. He reminded me that I am sick and mentally ill and the usual denigrating horror. I did not get mad, but I did just hang up.
I really bonded with this guy and he is in my dreams and the house is a constant reminder of the dream of country living that we shared. The worst part is that he comes out of nowhere and then torpedoes me somehow. This time it was financially. Luckily, I have waded through to the other side. Now the suite is rented out. There was so much bad luck with putting the suite. I ended up having to replace the drainage tiles around the back of the house and also had to find and revamp the septic tank. Then a leak developed in the ceiling of the suite and three guys tried to fix it but noboday could and it was costing a bundle. Finally, someone fixed it. This alll cost an extra ten thousand dollars. What a nightmare. I dont have that kind of money. I really don't like practical stuff and I was up to my eyeballs in it.
So now the suite is rented to a nice quiet guy. The drain tiles are fixed. The septic tank is ticky poo. And my ex is dealt with.
Cripes.
After writing all this maybe I should thank him for causing me such trouble. He does it with such finesse. I wonder if he knows how much trouble he causes?
The good news is that I made it through the school year in a new job. I got a lot of feedback that I did a good job from kids, teachers and admin. Believe me, I worked very hard.
I feel scared when he comes after me. THey are like lightening strikes. He really wishes me grief. He relishes it.
For my part, I am learning to not take it personally. That is a huge gift. I have always taken everything personally. i wanted him to love me more than I have ever wanted anything and he can't and doesn't. Gradually, I am beginning to see it is because he can't.
He says that I am a victim and have a victim mentality. That is supposed to be the arch insult. I think that is the arch insult for yuppy, capitalist, socially arrested, insensitive people who are frightened of looking around and seeing that anyone might need their help. Huff Huff Huff.
I try to remember that to some people there are no victims because there was no crime. They just don't see the crime. It makes my brain work way too hard and I cant really grasp it. I think that is where the brain fog comes in. After chemo therapy some survivors have chemo brain, after a serious narcissist I think some survivors have brain fog. Because the sense of someone you love trying to annialate me has left me in the fog.
The fog comes and goes now. Mostly it is stll there. It is very frightening sometimes, very numbing sometimes, blinding sometimes too.
I feel awkward writing this and think it sounds like shameful babbling. Nevertheless, that is where I am at.
I know from past experience here that putting it out on the board invites all kinds of judgements, feedback and love. I probably need the feedback because I want to grow, the judgements are tough but then the world is as sharp as a knife, and the love is worth so much.
If anyone can shed some light for me I would really appreciate it. I know I am a blockhead sometimes financially. If someone can relate to this I want to hear what they have to say.
Sea storm
