Hi
s and Discounted Girl and Dinny! 
Hi
s!Keep on swaying Flower! That's a good goal for all of us maybe?
To sway in the cool breeze that may pass by us on a hot summer day, eh?
Yes. It is good to just take time to enjoy a nice moment and go with it for a bit instead of just run around all crazy from one appointment/chore to the next, which is so easy to get caught up in! Thanks for the word picture. It gave me a nice visual break in my day.
Thanks s! Hope you are having days of refreshing events.
Hi Discounted Girl, 
Boy, are you ever right. I remain in shock that such an old bag as the NQueenmother could pull off so much on so many -- it's truly amazing. She needs to go over to Afghanistan and sniff out bin laden.
About doubt:
I'm so amazed at the capacity Ns have for denial in themselves and putting doubt on others. Your parents used what I call the industrial sized "Doubtmaster 500" put down club. What a fantasty they are in. They are totally disgusting.
Anyhow, I remember conversations with both my parents when I would hear remarks like "maybe things will get better for you soon." I would suddenly feel deflated -- I didn't know things were bad for me ????? The only bad thing was them, but I didn't know that then.
You did very well taking care of yourself! And this with two drainer parents. That is an accomplishment worth celebrating
!!!!!!!!!I can relate to your deflation and being puzzled by that twisted statement,"maybe things will get better for you soon."
I felt that way so many times at my mom's words.
This reminds me that my mom's fantasy for me was that I was going to develop schizophrenia like my uncle. They have looked for signs for years. My anger at their unfair treatment was met with the words "If you don't stop being angry you will turn out to be like uncle XXXX. If I got just a little bit too happy or expressive for their tastes they immediately gave me the sign to get under control. My mom is a stiff old disapproving thing. My brother and sister were quiet types. My dad went along with her sickness. My confrontation and stand against them is surely being painted as my descent into mental illness by my mom. That is what her question, "Is she sick?" probably meant. Oh yeah, once while I was growing up , my parents went to visit my schizophrenic uncle in the state hospital and took just me. They didn't take my brother and sister. I felt the visit was to show me what I could become. Kind of like a job faire in reverse. This is what you could become, learn your lesson by seeing what a state hospital looks like and be afraid, be very afraid. I was a very compliant child when they took me. I remember being a bit under age for visiting, but I was tall for my age and remember being nervous about visiting. I didn't want to go in and kept saying "But I'm not old enough." They told me it was okay. I don't know how they arranged it. They took me right in to the lounge where all the ill people were watching television. One man came at us trying to tell us the score for the baseball game on television. It was scary. Someone took us to a tiny room with a screened window in the door. I remember my uncle seemed angry and didn't say anything. He was a very insightful person at times and he probably could sense he was an object lesson. We had a
very short visit and I didn't say a word. It was a very memorable experience. It was the hospital where they filmed "One Flew Over the Cuckcoo's nest." Yeah, really inspired confidence in me I tell you.
[mixed emotions here]
My mom told me all the time while I was growing up that I had lots of potential. All I lacked was confidence!
They used to ask my uncle
"
Howare you doing?" in this really sick and demeaning manner. He would invariably become a little ticked off. I remember once he said back to them, "The same as you. I may be hairwire, but I've seen worse!"
I can still see her sitting in her chair, waiting for the "kiss" -- like she was a freakin' queen and we had to kneel at her throne and be honored by her touch or attention. Then to stand back and watch the games she played with brother dear and his greedy wife and greedy, fake-ass daughter -- where is the barf bag??!!! They all swap their sugar coated fake comments back and forth -- I tell you there would be very little oxygen left in the room. One time I had a panic attack witnessing all that. I thought I would surely die there in the house if I could not get out that door and run. I held out and went into the bathroom and saw red streaks all around my throat and perspiration on my face. Praying really hard and cold water was the only thing that got me through that night. I thought I was going to have a heart attack.
Gag -- at the kiss thing!
I think I can relate to the panic attack. Maybe it is like their behavior is like watching something not natural happening like witnessing a traffic accident or something and our natural defence systems step into action.
This happened to me when I saw just how stuck my brother is in his narcissism but I didn't have the name for it yet. It was when I had the blinders taken off and saw him for what he is during one of my final phone calls with him. After I hung up I turned all pale, sickly pale and immediately had diarherra and didn't make it to the bathroom. It is like my body said, "I'm not holding this in any longer!"
Thanks for sharing,
Discounted Girl. Your post was very thought provoking.
Hi Dinny!Kiss your husband and stay strong. I understand your worry about the ambulance. I don't think you can ever be too careful when dealing with N's. Just the fact that you were even thinking something could happen should sound the alarm. I never thought that my father could ever do anything to harm me or my family. He tried to run my son off the road and we think he ripped the rearview mirror off his car. They can justify everything and lie about anything. Don't ignore any little voices!
That is horrible beyond words what your father did to your son! They are in major denial. That is why I stopped eating or drinking at my mom's house before I broke off contact. Yes, we need to keep alert, I agree! Thank you for your understanding.
If something better comes along, the chosen one is cruelly dismissed.
This is so true! I should have taken a picture of my parents when my brother and sister were dumped out of the top spots when my daughter, the first grandchild, was born. My mom and dad had those goofy shining full of N supply faces like they were just born. It wasn't the normal love and pride for a first grandchild.
It seems like the chosen is more loved, but they are chosen only to make the N parent look good. If one is more financially successful or has a talent the N parent can brag about to other people, they are chosen. It has absolutely nothing to do with who the chosen person is, just what they are. If something better comes along, the chosen one is cruelly dismissed. I know, I was the chosen one. I pray for my family every day. It really helps. Stay strong and don't waver. Dinny
Thank you for your valuable perspective. It must be hard to have been the favorite one too. I have suspected that this was so for the favorite one. I think I remember a poster describing her postion as the favorite and the engulfing love of her mother. It seems like it could be even scarier.
When my brother, the favorite, who didn't turn out decent like you, wanted to try sales thirty years ago, just out of college and broke, my mom dropped him like a hot potato. He wanted his own business - something she hates. (I don't know who people are supposed to work for in private enterprise without someone having a business.). All those years of support and there he was reduced to tears, a tall imposing man, because his mom pulled the rug out from under him for the first time ( that I witnessed.) He said with tears, "I don't feel support!" It is very sad in a way and I am
very angry at her evil puffing up of him which left him very vulnerable later. In his case, he was
taught to hate me so even though my heart went out to him at this strange scene, I could not comfort him.
Thanks so much for the support, Dinny, to stay strong. Thank you for your words, they do my heart good. The genuflecting activity is very helpful! If you read the Bible, check out Psalm 27 for major encouragement for those with parents like ours.
