Stomping out the doubt in your life - update

[flower]

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Thanks so much for your insight and support.
 It aided my healing. Too much of my heart
was in this post to let it remain here for posterity on the web.
The post served its purpose and now it is time to
edit it or gently take it down.
 
To every thing there is a season, and a time
to every purpose under the heaven:  Ecclesiates 3:1

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[Discounted Girl]

good for you !!!!!!!! wow ,, you sure have a great husband ,, what a nice supportive man. Well, let them leave in a huff, maybe they will huff and puff themselves silly and not have enough energy to torment you for a while. Fancy that, somebody stood up to them... hooray !!

[Anonymous]

Hi Flower,

Victory dance happening here!  

Seeker

[seeker]

Hi Flower,

How many times does a person have to say the same thing over? My answer is not very many times if one wants to maintain self-respect.

You're right, of course.  I heard something so simple last night on the late late night news.  (I was awake obsessing about an N-psycho teacher and feeling helpless.  I may post later on it.)  Anyway, it was a story about a hate crime, actually several hate crimes committed over and over again.  Someone was constantly vandalizing one family's home for months (maybe over a year): paintballs, garbage, broken windows and it was a decent neighborhood demographically speaking.  The police said they couldn't do anything without more evidence.  So the family is bringing on the media.

Anyway, an advocate for the family said: "Bullies are cause-and-effect people and only stop when there are consequences for their actions."  Brilliant!  

I really like your H in this story!  What a guy!  Cheers, Seeker

[Anonymous]

You're getting healthier every day Flower!  Way to go!

You did a great job controlling the temptation to slip into being overly scared too, on the way to the library, by saying to yourself:

"No, I am having a nice walk here and I'm not going to let my parents spoil this." So even though anxiety was knawing at me that my mom faked a heart attack, my dad had a heart attack or things got out of hand and my husband lost his temper, I just didn't care anymore..."

You stuck with your plan and didn't let fear stop you!!

You said too:

"Actually I did face my mom in 2002 and confronted her face to face. She knew what I thought/think of her behavior. She didn't admit to wrongdoing at all. I gave her more time to see if she "got it" and she kept the same pattern of behavior..."

Same here.  I confronted the n in my life, some years back and not only did she do as your n-mom, by not admitting wrong-doing and keeping the same pattern, but the pattern got a lot worse.  She demanded a lot of money from me back then, saying I "owed" her because she had co-signed a loan for me, one time, and when I stood up to her and pointed out that signing her name didn't cost her anything and that she didn't "owe" me anything for anything I had ever given her, or done for her, etc...it just caused her behaviour to go beserk.  I had no idea of the steps she was taking to exact revenge, as she seemed to just forget about it, and acted her regular self after that but increasingly critical, demanding, controlling, etc.  Little did I know what she was doing behind the scenes to create chaos and ruin.

I mention this for those who are considering confronting their n face to face, in warning that it could make matters worse. The method you used, sneaking away when they arrived, is probably the best thing.  Each person must decide how to deal with this problem, when ending relationships with n's.  It's a hard thing to predict, how they will react to the truth about their behaviour, any rejection and especially, confrontation.  Had you stayed to face them, there may have been a big, crazy scene that would only have added to your upset, and not accomplished much at all.

I'm glad things are working out for you and your husband.  It's not an easy thing to do.  Stick to your guns.

[bunny]

flower,

Boy, are you lucky that your H is willing to enforce the boundary with your parents.    My H wouldn't take on my parents in a million years. He was scared of his own mother. You don't have to face your parents if your H is willing to deal with them. The only thing that matters is that they are kept at a safe distance. It doesn't matter who the enforcer is. The enforcement itself is the crucial thing.

bunny

[Michelle]

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(Fireworks)  
Yeah Flower!

That's awesome!  Your husband is a great man!  I'm so happy for you that you kept walking - good for you.  I also would've been thinking the worst about the ambulance - paranoia on my part.  Working on that though.  

Big hugs for you.  And a pat on the back for you & your hubby!

Love, Michelle

[Michelle]

Oops - sorry I made the post so wide.  not sure what happened.  

 

Michelle

[Anonymous]

Flower said:

"It seems in a relationship doing things out of love and loyalty should be natural, but the Ns count every single penny and feel we owe them for everything they have done. "

Actually, in my case, I'm the one who spent all the pennies and she never seemed to notice.  I did not expect anything in return for what I gave to her but the demands she made upon me and her saying that I "owed" her caused something inside me to finally.........burst.   I was shocked and so very hurt and completely stunned for a few days.  All I did was cry.  I just sort of felt as if she was pushing me off some kind of emotional cliff.  I remember thinking:

"I can't believe she really thinks I owe her anything" but I knew this thought was denial.  She did really think I owe her everything.  She thinks the whole world owes her everything because she is above everyone else.

Thanks for your support back to me Flower.  I did things out of love and loyalty and it was natural for me and you put that into words for me and validated my situation.  For the n...there is no love or loyalty and that's what really hurts.  My relationship with her was a big lie.  It was imaginary.  I had a relationship with what I wanted her to be and behaved as I would want to be treated.  She sucked everything she could get from me and then spit in my face, laughing her way out the door.   I feel sorry for a person like that who feels no sorrow for such behaviour and who does not value love and loyalty, who can throw it away so easily.  They are truly the people who are losing out on some priceless stuff in life.

[Anonymous]

Hello everyone,

I just sort of felt as if she was pushing me off some kind of emotional cliff.

This is exactly the image I have in my head along with my pastor (a big gruff bear of a man) who I visualize pulling me back from the edge by the seat of my pants and dropping me on the ground saying "Not today."  He's been there and knew exactly what I was going through.

My Ndad is an expert guilt-tripper and bully, but stops at the insidious, devious machinations of my NSIL.  Everything with her was under the radar.    And she was a major league scorekeeper, too, as you all describe.  She lives in a beautiful house and would siphon stuff off us serfs in the mudpiles.  Really exploitative.  Ugh.  I, too, treated her the way I wanted to be treated.  What a joke.  Nothing changed.  

Hugs, Seeker

Hugs to you all, Seeker

[Anonymous]

Hi Flower:

Now this is probably going to sound really silly but your saying my words validated your situation actually validated my situation, because what you are really saying is that my words make sence, which gives me a real feeling of validation and helps me to not feel so isolated, in that you experienced something similar, and therefore I'm not batty for thinking about my situation like that, and putting it into those words (and I really needed that validation.  Thankyou so very much).

I'm glad to hear of your family's wonderful experience with this doctor.  It sounds like the doc will be invaluable real soon.

Hope everyone is healing well today.

s

[Anonymous]

Ditto here Flower and thanks again.

Glad to hear you had a good day and hope tomorrow is better.

Mine was pretty good too -so all this validating is a wonderful thing, isn't it?
As a matter of fact, I might add that to my list of good things to admire in others and something to work on developing:  good validating skills.  I think I will.

Please let me know how the doctor works out as this is so important for your family and something I am interested to hear about.  And for the record, I think it's just wonderful that your daughter wants you around as backup support and it shows how much she trusts you and relies on your input.  You must be a great mom!  Way to go!

s

[Anonymous]

What a lovely quote/line/set of words.

Now I have a picture of a beautiful flower swaying in the cool breeze, on a hot summer day, in the huge, vastly populated field of life! (swaying, mind you, and bending with the flow, not wilting or breaking, just swaying to and fro and elegantly so).

Keep on swaying Flower!  That's a good goal for all of us maybe?

To sway in the cool breeze that may pass by us on a hot summer day, eh?

Ok, so enough of my depictions.  Enjoy today!

s

[Discounted Girl]

This is still a great thread ... all of the posts are so on target and helpful.

you know earlier Flower you mentioned something about the Nparents with little regard and looking down their noses at us, and if we were "such losers" why did they slurp up the attention we used to pay to them.

Boy, are you ever right. I remain in shock that such an old bag as the NQueenmother could pull off so much on so many -- it's truly amazing. She needs to go over to Afghanistan and sniff out bin laden.

Anyhow, I remember conversations with both my parents when I would hear remarks like "maybe things will get better for you soon." I would suddenly feel deflated -- I didn't know things were bad for me ????? The only bad thing was them, but I didn't know that then. They would ignore my job, which was a really good one with a high powered law firm where I was respected and appreciated. I made a better salary than both of them combined had ever made in their lives. I put my 2 boys through college and one through grad school. I owned my own home at 23. I never asked them for anything. I had 2 wonderful kids and friends and I thought it was a pretty good life and all the while they were in the background (in the vile darkness) shaking their heads, nodding "I knew she would fail," searching with magnifiers for flaws, telling lies and plotting smear campaigns.  Meanwhile I was Betty Booping along, innocent as you please, thinking I was Ozzie and Harriet's daughter. What an idiot I was ,, hahaha ,,, that old bag sure pulled a number on me and I am starting to see the part my Dad played in it as well.

Like you say, they sure slurped up the worshipping factor -- bowing and giving in to the old bag all the time -- sacrificing my self-respect, my desires, my rights -- how sickening. Expecting, expecting, always pushing for more -- suck me dry was her goal. Drain that girl till she is just a shell, then she will crumble and we can point and say "see I told you she was worthless."

I can still see her sitting in her chair, waiting for the "kiss" -- like she was a freakin' queen and we had to kneel at her throne and be honored by her touch or attention. Then to stand back and watch the games she played with brother dear and his greedy wife and greedy, fake-ass daughter -- where is the barf bag??!!! They all swap their sugar coated fake comments back and forth -- I tell you there would be very little oxygen left in the room. One time I had a panic attack witnessing all that. I thought I would surely die there in the house if I could not get out that door and run. I held out and went into the bathroom and saw red streaks all around my throat and perspiration on my face. Praying really hard and cold water was the only thing that got me through that night. I thought I was going to have a heart attack.

Well, I hope this thread keeps chugging along. Thanks to all of you.  

[Anonymous]

Hi Flower,

Kiss your husband and stay strong. I understand your worry about the ambulance.  I don't think you can ever be too careful when dealing with N's.  Just the fact that you were even thinking something could happen should sound the alarm.  I never thought that my father could ever do anything to harm me or my family.  He tried to run my son off the road and we think he ripped the rearview mirror off his car. They can justify everything and lie about anything.  Don't ignore any little voices!
Money is probably the most important thing to a N.  Because they have no sense of self, it's an extension of themselves.  My parents never paid for a dinner, a vacation or even a gallon of milk.  They felt entitled to everthing we had.  We are only as good (and loved) as long as  we were constantly giving.  My brother is still on that tightrope and is not very happy with me since I escaped the spider web.  Another thing N parents do is divide and conquer.  They have more control.  They also have a "chosen" one.  This makes other siblings jealous and insecure.  It seems like the chosen is more loved, but they are chosen only to make the N parent look good.  If one is more financially successful or has a talent the N parent can brag about to other people, they are chosen.  It has absolutely nothing to do with who the chosen person is, just what they are.  If something better comes along, the chosen one is cruelly dismissed. I know, I was the chosen one.  I pray for my family every day. It really helps.   Stay strong and don't waver.   Dinny