Lonely, Sad and Damaged

[sunblue]

Happy Saturday everyone.......I felt the need to come here today.....it is the only place that I know there are people who understand....because they've been there, are there and can relate.

I find myself declining...The last few weeks have been more difficult than usual...I think perhaps because the realities of my life have been tossed in my face more than usual.  I mentioned that I have a very difficult job situation with a boss who is a "mean" narcissist.  The job environment is so toxic and I have to work every night and every weekend, not to mention dealing with her narcissistic ways.

I think I also mentioned recently that my dad took ill over Father's Day.  He ended up being hospitalized and had a defibrillator implanted.  He is doing well now...but during his short, two-day hospital stay, it became very apparent that my Nmom and Nsis (who are always attached at the hip) were in total control of everything.  My Nsis was at the hospital but my Nmom made it clear she didn't want me there.   My Nmom only has interest in my Nsis period.  It just made me feel really hurt and sad because I know even though I would like to be a good daughter to my dad, especially as he ages and may get sick, I won't be able to, because they won't allow it.  Even during those times, neither of my parents want anything to do with me. 

Today, my brother asked if he could take me and my parents out to dinner (as a psot Fathers Day celebration).  My dad immediately say "ask your mother".  And, of course my Nmom made up some excuse that she was too busy to go today.  But, oh what a surprise, tomorrow my Nsis and her boyfriend are schedule to make an all day appearance, and for that, they both have all the time in the world.  My dad and Nmom routinely ask me to help them either find information or help for what turns out to be for some project they're working on my Nsis.  I am very invisible.

I just keep being reminded that I don't matter, that I have no value, that I am a failure.  This past week I attended a business function (a baseball game event) with my Nboss, a couple of other staff and some vendors that we work with.  I was surrounded by these women who had it all----great paying jobs, children, attentive husbands, good looks, etc.  I know it's not healthy to do so, but I couldn't help comparing myself and wondering why I never got a break....why I've never gotten anything worthwhile---why there is not a single person in this world that thinks I have some value, at least enough to take some interest.  I guess I'm feeling really, really alone and lost.  The reality has hit that no one in my family cares anything at all for me....I feel trapped and alone.

I know I should try to move out but I feel trapped again.  I have had to start job searching again because my current job is just untenable---my Nboss is really abusive and the whole company is just unhealthy.  But I'm not sure if I should wait until I find another job to make a decision about moving or just wait.  I've been trying to save money in that regard but as we all know, that is a slow process....And then I think I'll not only be emotionally alone, but physically alone as well.  I do recogize that it won't make any difference to my family---whether I live in the same area or in Timbuc2...

I'm feeling my depression deepen again and I really don't see any light at the tunnel.  This narcissisim has destroyed my life and I wonder how is it that no matter what I do I seem to be involved with these Ns....I looked for a long time for a job and I finally accepted one and my boss is the one apparent N in the company and she is a severe one at that.  No one can tolerate her and indeed more than a quarter of the staff has left since she arrived.  Do I just quit without a job and start over with the search?    I just feel like crying all the time.

I guess I'm feeling really hurt and resentful at my family-----that they chose to toss me and my brother away in favor of the "successful" Nsis----or that my healthy bro has easily moved on with his life and focuses only on his own family----or that no one recognizes how difficult it is to be lonely when you're surrounded by people who hve loved ones in their lives.  I know this sounds really sappy and stupid...but sometimes it's hard to do everything in your life alone.....

Like I said, I'm sorry, this is just a rant.  There's not a single person in the offline world I have to talk to and I know many of you have experienced similiar situations.....I'm really wondering if it's worth the fight anyymore.  I look around the world and there is nothing for me, nothing ever changes, no matter what I do.  Last week I did one of those overnight American Cancer Society relay walks with members of my church and tried to keep in mind that there are people much worse off than I....but it seems as I looked around, everyone had someone in their life.

The narcissism in my family just seems to get worse and worse..and it becomes more and more apparent that I am never and will never be on anyone's radar. 

I'd sure welcome anyone's input...Maybe someone out there can identify with how I'm feeling...Then again, maybe not ....Summer is here and it is generally my best time (the sunlight usually helps my clinicial depression) but even now, it gets so hard to force myself to get up and do anything....All these things to do and no one to do them with....everything just seems to remind me about the lack of love in my life.

Sorry for the rant.....really sorry...I just needed to express it today.

sunBLUE

[Juno]

(((((((((sunblue))))))))))

Hard to know what will actually help, but a couple things are going through my mind.  One is that if you do move away from them, you might find that you like being alone.  Especially if you can use your alone time to heal in some ways.  I have surprised myself to find that I actually like being alone--something that I didn't realize before because I always felt so lonely that I thought I was a people person and it was other people's fault for rejecting me or not understanding me.  But I was lonely because of how I felt inside not because of how many people were or were not around me.  I didn't truly understand what that meant for me until recently.  I'm forty seven and being alone actually feels good and calming for me.

Another thing that I thought of recently is that we are not necessarily damaged but that aspects of ourselves have gone dormant.  And that it is possible to re-activate those dormant good qualities of ours.  Not easy.  But possible.  And getting away from Ns is necessary for that to occur!

It does seem like you really could use some good fortune or for the tide to turn in your direction.  I hope that talking about this and knowing that others here are listening will help to lessen the intensity of it and help you release some of it.  That may help you to decide things. 

Also, I too compare myself to others.  Often I have not fared well in comparison.  But sometimes I compare myself with others and it benefits me.  For example, if I notice others doing things that I never thought I could do because it might seem selfish or I thought I wasn't worthy..... then I see that they took care of their needs and the world didn't explode and I start to think, well, if I am as good as others or equal or at least okay, and they can do such and such and the world didn't explode.... maybe I can take care of me!  Maybe it is not a bad thing that I choose to do something that benefits myself and my life.  Maybe I am okay.  I don't mean that I am trying to make things "even" or trying to one-up people.  Just that I am teaching myself that I have value since I am a person too.  If other persons have value and I am a person, then I have value too.  And as a person of value, I can take good care of me.  So comparing ourselves to others can have teaching purposes.  It can be eye-opening.

I hope you feel better soon, sunblue.

[Ami]

DON"T be "sorry" for the 'rant". It is very good  that you reached out. Your life HAS been sad ,worthy of terrible grief. I understand. I am on your side.             Love   Ami


((((((((((Sun)))))))))

[gjazz]

I can relate, sunblue.  I always felt very isolated in my family.  Females were openly considered worthless, and I have all brothers, so I guess we know who THAT meant.  All I can say is this: it gets better.  It really, truly does.  I felt the need to move away, and put 3,000 miles between us.  Cut off phone contact.  I moved to NYC and had never before stepped foot in that city.  I had $2,000 to my name.  I lived in the Salvation Army for two years.  Yep, you got it: I was the loser I was always expected to be.  

Except not.  I loved it.  I was having the time of my life.  I got a job until I found a better job, where my boss must have set all kinds of records for bad behavior.  She was known throughout the midtown Manhattan high rise as the harridan to end all harridans.  Mean, caustic, intimidating, nasty.  But she was trying to work on herself.  She took up meditation, and every afternoon would post a note on her door threatening death to anyone who knocked.  (I said she was trying, not that she'd actually succeeded).  That was nearly twenty years ago.  We are friends to this day.

And once I was making my own way, not spending so much energy trying to find a place in my family, I found my place in the world.  I worked extremely hard and was very good at my job.  Moved up, and up, until I decided to go out on my own.  And guess what?  Suddenly I wasn't so worthless anymore.  Now because we are talking about Ns, let me be clear that to my NF my "value" has to do with me being in a position to help him--offer advice or do a favor or whatnot.  The point is, I remember feeling as you do now.  Trapped, lonely, exhausted, unvalued, terrified.  And I'm here today to tell you that that long journey can begin with even half a step, and that you can do it.  If I can (could), anyone can.  Believe me.  Believe in yourself.  Don't worry if the others don't.  

[ann3]

Hi ((((((((Sunblue)))))))),

I really like what everyone said.

In my non-professional opinion, I think one of the biggest problems is being in very, very close physical proximity with your N foo.  IMO, if you have enough $ to rent a room, then move out.  I think being in very, very close physical proximity with your N foo is very debilitating.  Your N foo is in your face & mind 24/7.  Putting some physical distance may really be your salvation. 

And, please forgive me if I hurt you by saying this, but, do you think that you are unconsciously punishing yourself by living with them?  Punishing yourself because you think you can never be what they want you to be?  I get that feeling because you said: I just keep being reminded that I don't matter, that I have no value, that I am a failure.  Again, please forgive me if I've stepped over the line by saying this.

In my non-professional opinion, I think once you remove yourself from your negative foo dwelling, you may bloom on your own.  Yes, you may feel scared, but, you also may feel free, strong & independent. 

As for the job, yes, keep looking, but, can you tune the N boss out of your head?

The other thing I was thinking is that, In my non-professional opinion, you need to delete all the negative tapes in your head.  As I read your post, I see that this is a predominate theme for you:
I just keep being reminded that I don't matter, that I have no value, that I am a failure.

No, No, No:  You MATTER!!!!!!! You have great VALUE & you are IMPORTANT!!!!!!!!  You write beautufully and I see you are sensitive & intelligent.  Your biggest problem, like me, like many of us here, is that you were raised by Ns!!!!!!!!!  And, THAT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!!!!!  However, for us ACONS (adult children of Ns) the hard part is to re-parent, re-birth ourselves so that we can feel happy and that's really hard to do, but we can do it and I know you can do it.

This Board helps, how about group therapy, find a local ACON group or see a T who understands N parents?

Again, I apologize if I overstepped your boundary.

Love,
ann

[Certain Hope]

(((((((Sunblue))))))) I hope you'll feel free to rant anytime.

I just want to tell you that moving 1,000 miles away is the best thing I ever did. Wish I hadn't waited till I was 40!

It's worth making a savings plan and sticking with it, to aim for that time when you can remove yourself from all that poison.
Just my opinion.

Love,
Carolyn

[lighter]

I'm so sorry this is your reality, (((Sun.)))

It's not fair and it's not going to get any better.

The fact that you're actively looking for another job is good news....

remember when you didn't have a job adn were searching?

You can do it again and lift some of the toxic waste off your shoulders.

How is the prospect of finding another place to live...... besides being scared and you're unsure of yourself?

You have a job now.... will find another.... can you get out from under your parents?

Getting out and making it on your own is part of learning to trust yourself.  Carving your own niche will build your confidence and you really need to start believing in YOU.  

Your FOO's dysfunction and party line is that you aren't good enough... will never be good enough....

I think you bought into that, to some extent.

It's wrong and you deserve better than them.  Not the other way round.

Whatever happens.... the road's painful and difficult.

Coming to terms with the reality, making a lucid plan (with steps you can follow even during low times, written out preferably)
is making a plan to leave the painful people behind.... make room for more trustworthy people, in your life.

Remember that sometimes we feel worse, on the way to relief.

Two steps forward.... One step back and so we move forward.  

I've seen you struggle here on the board.... trying to come to grips with your FOO's behavior.

It doesn't make sense.  

Will never make sense.

It is what it is.

They're broken and they can't be fixed.

They won't ever give you the love you deserve and are worthy of.

You can find people who will and adopt them for your own.


You can give yourself love and realize you're value..... even if your FOO can't.

So so hard... much easier said than done..... but it's a journey towards enlightenment.... knowing yourself.... trusting yourself..... and feeling better.

Remember you can love your family in the way you need to.  

Just bc they tell you how you must act, to please them.... it doesn't mean you have to or that your'e doing it wrong if you stop.

It's right it if protects you.... and that's your primary responsibility.

Taking care of yourself is the most loving thing you can do for your family.

And yourself.

I'm so sorry your family can't do any better.  


It's them..... not you.
Lighter

[sea storm]

dear sunblue

You have described a situation that would drive anyone down.

Lighter and everyone else is too right.

Walk, crawl, whatever you need to do to get away from all these people. 

I used to gravitate to Ns and they were my boss, my lover, my friends.  As I learned about Ns I cut them off. Detached. Generally Ns don't take this well. But ....... them.  You need to take care of yourself at this point.

Joseph Cambell said, "Follow your Bliss".  Good idea. TRUST your intuition, even though it has been squashed, you know what is literally killing you.

Much love,

Sea storm

[gratitude28]

(((((((((((((((sun)))))))))))))))

I really think that the only thing that will help will be to get away. As long as you are there, you will see the abuse, and be within reach of being abused. Even if you had to move to a tiny place it would be wonderful to be alone. I cannot tell you how thrilled I was after college to move far away, have a one-room apartment, and not a cent to my name. I worked two jobs until money settled. But I was free and it was worth it.
((((((((((((((Sun))))))))))))))

Love, Beth

[Leah]

(((((((((( Sun)))))))))))

Moving away, choosing either Limited OR No Contact, makes a real difference, for one's own self, one's life, in fullness.

Speaking from personal experience.

Being the Gatekeeper of one's mind and only allowing those of whom one wishes to enter 'into' ...

Closes the door to unhealthy "Intrusiveness" and "Enmeshment" -- which then effects the stepping back and away from the others -- which may then allow growth in clear thinking and clarity.

Love & Good Wishes to you,

Leah

[James]

Hi Sunblue..............I am sorry you feel so lonely and sad. You do have very good reasons to feel that way around a family who mistreats and discounts you the way they do. Many people would feel just the way you do. The advice others are offering here to move away sounds like a wise idea, eventhough it maybe frightening and you might fear being alone. It helps me, to keep distance between myself and my family. However, I offer you another possibility that helped me. My N parents are very abusive and one day I just refused to take it any more and really got in their faces with my anger. It was a two hour ordeal and felt pretty ugly although it wasn't nearly as ugly as the years of abuse they put me through. They were shocked and angry.....I had a lot of emotions when I left but I felt better and could see more clearly what they were doing. Maybe my worst fear thru all this was that they would abandon me but in my case they didn't. Today, they rarely do anything nasty without hearing from me. They do treat me differently now, probably not for the right reasons, but more to avoid the consequences. I just put them into a training program so to speak. Overall, I feel stronger and not nearly as depressed. Maybe this idea scares you but it might be possible to start out in a smaller way? Just an idea.............Love,James 

[Hopalong]

Sunblue,
You know, I read one line as:
I keep reminding myself that I have no value, am worthless and a failure.

I really think that is what's happening.

So you could perhaps decide to remind yourself of something else. What James said.
And if direct confrontation of them with your anger doesn't work for you, what about finding that anger and fury you've buried by turning it into depression.............and using it as energy to find a way OUT?

I wanted to suggest Craig's List, on which, in my community, I sometimes see notices where someone is looking for a live-in situation where they'll provide light housekeeping/caregiving help to someone in exchange for free rent. Just negotiate consciously what you can and can't do, and consider advertising for that kind of opportunity, eh?.

Doing that for a stranger who needs some help and has a spare room...can give you a feeling of worth and also let you save money for your own place.

love,
Hops

[changing]

Hi SunBlue-

I am so glad that you posted- you are valued and understood here, and deserve thoughtful support!!!! I think that everyone gave such good and loving advice. NO MORE BAD SELF-TALK, okay my friend? Look in the mirrir and smile!!! Then you will be able to truly receive the caring and recognition that you deserve...

You did not create the situation and it does not suit you it appears...You can have a new life, but it is not always easy or free to do so-but oh so satisfying when you are  not fighting battles- the real you will emerge, and priceless peace... I am rooting for you!!!!

Love and Happiness,

Changing

[lighter]

((((Sunblue))))

Thinking of you.


::adjusting amazon headband, with sparlking clear stone, on Sun's head::

I want you to see the truth more clearly.... not through your FOO's dysfunctional filters of you.

Lighter