New Life, Some Guilt, Happiness

[gratitude28]

Hey All,
I have been meaning to write and give an update and ask for a bit of advice and such...
We have been in Florida for about two weeks now. It is awesome here! Our house is a bit smaller, but we are actually getting it organized well, and I may actually create a manageable space for once. I really am working on getting it organized to "a place for everything and everything in its place." That's not a major part of the move... but it is one thing that is on my mind (I have these dreams that I am putting things away and piles and piles of stuff I can't even begin to get through appear).
So... we have a pool here and I am doing a daily program of 30 minutes or more of aerobics in the pool, plus biking about 45 minutes a day. I feel good. I am doing this because I enjoy it, although I will be very happy if I do drop some weight, of course. More than anything, I am having fun. The kids and I bike together and play in the pool together. Also, my husband took some time off and we are seeing a bit of the area and have had a really nice time together.
So... the odd thing is I feel two feelings - I guess, as Juno has described before - a bit of anger that I never got to do these things as a kid. We lived in the middle of nowhere once I was in late grade school and I had no one living nearby and nowhere to go. I played by myself or with my sister... and that was it. The second feeling I feel is a bit of fear or guilt at taking control of my life - I think because my parents never have. They always expect that things will just "happen" for them (i.e., I buy a bike, I will magically get in shape). I actually do the work and work hard at things. But I always feel like I am doing it to thumb my nose or something. I also know that if I do get in shape, my mother will assume it is just from the sheer fact that we have a pool and she doesn't that it "happened" to me. Does this make sense??
Any insight???
The fact is, life is good right now. I am still not sure what I will do about working... I want to work, but I just don't know what I want to do yet. Also, I think I will wait until school starts.
Thanks for reading.
Love, Beth

[Certain Hope]

Hi again, Beth,

Your place sounds really great! Fresh, cozy, not overwhelming... lots of opportunity for fun activities.

The dreams about never catching up are maybe about some pressure you're putting on yourself to do everything just right this time?
I don't know, but I do that to myself. Or at least I used to. Without the pressure, it's just a step-at-a-time process. It's when it becomes a perfectionist issue that it torments, I think.
Also gets pretty tormenting when I try to do something to prove a point... even if it's just myself to whom I'm trying to prove it, you know?
Why do we test ourselves this way? I want to quit!

And I don't know any clearcut steps to separating what's in front of you now from what can't be replaced about the past...
other than to grieve those losses which can't be redeemed.
 I feel them, too.
I set up a little pool here for the 2 kids we still have at home... well, for all of us... but I'm not really enjoying it. Seems that is because there's a double-whammy attached to it. Last time my family had a pool was years ago when the kids' dad was with us... and there's the old angst about that. Then there seems to be a nonsensical desire for my parents to see my kids having so much fun in this pool... which is something I always wanted as a kid, but we had to have what my mother wanted, always... and that was not on her list.  And I feel so dumb even typing this, but... there you have it. Why is it so hard to move on and
to UNattach them and the past from the present and enjoyment/satisfaction/contentment with the now?

Not doing much answering here, huh. Just more questions.

I actually do the work and work hard at things. But I always feel like I am doing it to thumb my nose or something. I also know that if I do get in shape, my mother will assume it is just from the sheer fact that we have a pool and she doesn't that it "happened" to me. Does this make sense??

Yes, it makes perfect sense to me. I have the reverse deal... finding myself refusing to work at some things which I truly do enjoy - or else it's a huge chore to work on them, instead of the pleasure I used to get - because - - - - eek - - - because I suspect that the reasons I used to do and enjoy them were perfectionist/proving-some-point in nature
and that driving force is gone now. Kinda feel naked without it.

Beth, all it takes to send me into a spin is a letter from my mother commenting on what a good housekeeper so-and-so is and how nice their yard looked.
My heartrate accelerates and I feel hopelessly overwhelmed for a bit, until I remind myself that I'm the one in charge of my life... and I don't want to have to knock myself out in order to impress anyone, including myself. 

So... your mother thinks that stuff just magically happens and mine thinks everything must be done in the most difficult manner possible. They each have a ditch.
Where is the map to the middle of that road?

How does "The fact is, life is good right now"... get a new ending to the sentence, like... "and that is enough!"  ?

Maybe just by practicing... gratitude ?   

Counting blessings.

Love,
Carolyn

[Izzy_*now*]

hi Beth,
Your new place and life sound great and it is incumbent upon you to enjoy every moment without an iota of guilt.

I am familiar with the overcrowded rooms in my dreams. No more though, but with the N he left things everywhere without thought that there were many places to plunk down a computer tower and block my passage. I could never keep up. I would pick up towers and monitors and other kinds of computer stuff (not in one trip though, many trips) and set them down with care at the head of the stairs for him, to take on down to the shop. He would leap over them and eventually the items would have surpassed the doorway so I would have to stop. So one time I got ahead of the mess and hauled things down to the landing and left them all on the last set of stairs to the shop. Well that one made him mad, 'cuz the door was shut and he couldn't jump the pile. That might give you an idea why, after I left and had my nice tidy apartment all set up and always could navigate, I would still have nightmares about him and his junk....having told his friends that they could store extra furniture in our living room.. anything like that, and now some 6 years later I am ever so pleased to wake up in my own place each morning.

I also used to have dreams about housecleaning, all by myself, while my sisters came after me messing things up again and I would keep cleaning and it was an unmerry circle.

We lived rural, on a farm. 5 kids and 2 pr roller skate each of girls got one  Kinda stupid eh? 2 older sisters asked for bikes after passsing into high school. I asked for a radio. They never asked to use my radio, but I was sent, by Mom, on one of their bikes to get something. Ha! (likely the only time I topped one.)  We missed many things as children, but what I think about the most is what I have missed because of the accident. Two hands to wheel a chair and no hand to hold my daughter's when we crossed the street or in a big store. Just one example.

no 3 re your parents is at the beginning

Enjoy!! and swim a few laps for me, but remember I cannot swim.
Love
Izzy

[Certain Hope]

lol Izzy... I like your answer much better.

Beth - I'm sorry... I seemed to have a babbling explosion in my post, but such is my mood of the day.... so I'll leave it.

Hugs to you both,
Carolyn

P.S.  I would make square dot dot dots, but Izzy hasn't told me how, yet.

[teartracks]

Dear Beth,

I'm picturing you and the kids and hubby biking with a juicy Mango in hand, big smiles, lots of sunshine, awesome nighttime thunderstorms  over the ocean, sailing, snorkling, fishing, collecting sea glass along the ocean shore, Australian pines, sand, Marco Poloing.  Oh, and swaying palm trees, Azaleas, so much!

Job?  Why not a translater/interpreter for law enforcement?  Are you in South Florida?  I'd think they need one for every conceivable language.

tt

PS  I think you'll find these lyrics very poignant.  They make me cry. 


 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
She was staring out the window of their SUV
Complaning, saying "I can't wait to turn 18"
She said "I'll make my own money, and I'll make my own rules"
Mamma put the car in park out there in front of the school
Then she kissed her head and said "I was just like you"

You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this

Before she knows it she's a brand new bride
In a one-bedroom apartment, and her daddy stops by
He tells her "It's a nice place"
She says "It'll do for now"
Starts talking about babies and buying a house
Daddy shakes his head and says "Baby, just slow down"

Cause you're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this

Five years later there's a plumber workin' on the water heater
Dog's barkin', phone's ringin'
One kid's cryin', one kid's screamin'
And she keeps apologizin'
He says "They don't bother me.
I've got 2 babies of my own.
One's 36, one's 23.
Huh, it's hard to believe, but...

You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this"
 
Trace Adkins sings it.

[lighter]

::taking a good look around::

I'm pretty sure I;m not going to miss this....

but every moment with my children has been a gift.

Beth.... good to hear your getting organized and living your life mindfully.

Lighter

[gratitude28]

Carolyn,
Your post is so amazingly enlightening - and yet so plainly true!!! I feel I should have seen all of what you said, that it is so obvious, but you made it clear for me! I definitely had my full phases of "proving" I was better than my parents. Fortunately, I am done with proving that now, but I feel bad in a way because I know my dad, especially, looks at what I have done and wishes he had that instead of having to move piles of magazines to sit down. It doesn't bother NM because she looks around her house and sees her things. She is the owner. My dad sees the mess, but tries to cover it by saying that people who have these big houses are "house poor" or some other rationalization. I don't know how a person who is so orderly can not go crazy in the middle of chaos. So, Carolyn, I promise to enjoy myself and be OK with feeling right now. Thanks for your amazing post Carolyn.
Izzy,
I can't imagine the challenges of having to clean and organize and be in a chair!!!! And to have your husband sabotage your efforts on top of it!! What a horror. And, Izzy, I do need to be grateful each and every day that I can go biking with my kids, and swim, and holsd hands. You are so right. Thank you Iz.
TT,
I LOVE all the plants here. Part of enjoying the bike rides are the smells and picking out which plants are which. We also saw a muskrat last night! He was so cute! I hope to get back to painting soon so that I can attempt to capture some of the fluffy Spanish moss and the Bouganvilla, the covered walls... Thank you for the Tracy Adkins song to remind me I need to live in every day. I try to. I am so much better at appreciating all I have. I have a feeling that when I get ready to work, something will be there that I want to do. I need to not think ahead. I am also thinking of going back to school with a friend.
Lighter,
Thanks for your kind words.

Wish you all could come and see Henry playing in his swimming pool (we put one on the porch for him with balls in it and he likes chasing the balls around the water). We are going to a Dali exhibit today!! Hugs and love to all of you and for helping me see what I was trying to see.
Love, Beth

[Certain Hope]

((((Beth)))))  I understand.

And my dad wishes that he could set his Bible (or anything else) down on a table next to his chair and not find it moved to the basement stairs.
He's not allowed to keep a single personal item anywhere on the main floor of the house. There's a nice basement, but...
somehow it's not the same.

Love,
Carolyn

[Leah]

(((((( Beth ))))))))

Please know I do understand from similar personal experience as a child.


I am so glad to know that you are having a wonderful time, a life, with your own family, those dearest and closest to your heart.

Such joy, that you have broken the chain, as your children have such loving caring considerate parents who are freely and unconditionally extending love and nurture.

Love, Leah

[gratitude28]

(((((((((((((Carolyn))))))))))))
(((((((((((Leah))))))))))

[Juno]

Hi Beth,  Glad to hear from you, I was wondering how the move was going.  You said you don't know what you want to do yet for work and will probably wait until school starts.  Excellent idea!!!  And painting ideas are already occurring to you..... I think you should paint all the time.  Art is a good answer to your feelings and your questions.  I think I have bugged you about that before.  Art, art, art.  Painting, painting, painting.  I will probably bug you about that again sometime too!!!

[gratitude28]

You and some little voice in my head will light a fire pretty soon, since that's all I think about lately.
Thank you so much ((((((((((((((((((((Juno)))))))))))))))))
Love, Beth

[Overcomer]

Beth:  You are a moving girl!!  I would hate to move as much as you.  I have a pool in my new home as well and I understand the joy of floating around and getting a tan!!!  I am so white it is fun having bronzed skin!!

I am jealous of you.  To be able to not work and just spend time with your kids.  That is what I really want...

It is good to have you back.  Somehow you make the board seem back to normal if you will.........

[gratitude28]

Kelly,
That was the sweetest thing you could have said. Thank you so much. SOmetimes I feel like the old fuddy-duddy here on the board
Yes. I am definitely blessed to be able to spend time with the kids this summer and not work. I am not sure how it happened either. We couldn't rub two nickles together when we first got to Virginia (gosh it is sooooooo expensive there), but now we seem to be on an even keel. I am feeling a bit puzzled as to how I got it all righted (and I still have quite a ways to go to get us completely out of debt, but we seem to have a good plan...).
Kelly, I was just reading through your post again and I wanted to mention one more thing to you - remember that you can only control YOU. You cannot change your family. You will have to lead the way and hope that they follow. I think you can be that strong. But remember it might take them a while to picl up the slack.
Thank you again for your sweet words.
Love, Beth

[Overcomer]

Well it is true.  I miss you and mud and some others who were around for years......hops.............there is so much fighting right now.....good to have a calm in the storm.