Having grown up voiceless and blamed for parents own troubles...
That reminded me of something I hadn't thought of in a bit. My mother used to say often enough, and not in a joking way at all, but in anger... "
you are going to be the cause of a divorce between your father and I".
Very glad to say they are still together 40 some odd years later, but I certainly didn't appreciate that heavy load on me. I didn't even know what she meant/what I was doing... No wonder I learned to become "voiceless". But beyond that, I think it was just the constant criticism and negating of my thoughts/opinions as valid.
I had an older sister but it seemed she could do little wrong in my mother's eyes. My older sister (with whom I get along wonderfully) acknowledged this to me as an adult as well, which I found very validating. She said she had no idea why, and had never prefered it that way. In fact, it made her feel awkward.
Sometimes I wonder if it is because I always confronted my mother with the truth. The truths about her inner self. I sensed these truths and just did it innocently, without thought, as part of my natural character. She'd get quite mad & tell me I didn't know what the "heck" with a double "l" I was talking about.
Today, we have a good enough relationship. My parents were just overwhelmed I believe, as they had their first pregnancy, and had to enter in adult life, at 18. My mother also had an anxiety disorder and low stress, and general life coping abilities.
My father expressed his overwhelm with anger. Not abuse, but an unhealthy temper at times, that put a scare in me for sure.
Hope I'm not rambling too much... the combination of too much coffee (which I should never have anyway), being in an extremely deep & reflective mood, and being a writer to boot, will do it every time...
BT
