Words

[Sela]

Hi all,

As a child, I used to chant in my own head:

"Sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me!" and I believed it!

So many times I let messy words wash off me like water off a duck.

As I grew older, words from people I wasn't close to didn't matter but those from people I trusted and cared for......did.  Somehow, my defense system was weakening??

After living through many truamas and nasty experiences and having a cazillion hurtful words hurled at me (over the years)......I felt great emotional pain and even lately....the sting of some words have really knocked me over ( first it's shock and then  I feel sad and then.....if I'm lucky.....I remember they are only words  ).  This can happen even when the words comes from someone I hardly know!!

Maybe it would be good to revert back to that old childhood coping mechanism and put a wall up in my head and a steel casing around my heart but I'm not sure how to do that. 

Probably I need to do some real deep relaxation, visualization and do the chant thingy enough times to make it my default pop-up whenever I encounter such words from now on eh?

I used to think my belief system was pretty good but now, I'm house-cleaning my head a bit and finding stuff that needs revamping.  Go figger?

I guess the reason I've made such a turn around is because sometimes I've allowed words to hurt me and so I don't believe that chant to be true.

Not the case.  The fact is......a big oak stick could easily crash my skull in, if it gets slammed into my head but words?

I have to allow them in.....and let them cause damage or else I make them truly harmless by choice.

Just something I was thinking about today.

Sela

[Izzy_*now*]

Great thought, Sela

I always believed that chant, as well.

I have NO idea when I realized it was the words that hurt the most. Another belief blown apart!

Thanks for the post!

Eye-opening!

xx
Izzy

[Certain Hope]

Dear Sela,

Maybe the chant to repeat is...   "What they're saying about me is what they fear about themselves"  ? 

(or something to that effect, you know?)

Maybe it would be good to revert back to that old childhood coping mechanism and put a wall up in my head and a steel casing around my heart but I'm not sure how to do that. 

I'm concerned about that...  because some words need to get through to me, I know - when it's time for a shift of perspective or a change of attitude or actions.
Someplace I remember hearing that we can often learn a great deal from our enemies (maybe that's Biblical... seems so.)
The thing is, when it's God using someone's words to reach us - even those of an unfriendly "enemy" - those words will prick our hearts with conviction.
When it's not God, the words will be filled with condemnation.
And if our hearts were all encased in steel.... how would we know the difference?

All of the above is only my opinion, of course.

Bunches of love,
Carolyn

[Sela]

Thanks Carolyn,

I like that new mantra!  Good one!

Perhaps "steel" was the wrong word to use.  I dunno.  Maybe rubber with a few holes in it?



The kind of hurtful words I'm talking about are not really anything one could take to be constructive or useful.


For instance:  My exH, who, after many years together, said to me:  "I never loved you.  I only used you."

 



Or when a close family member declared we are "now enemies".
 

Family?  Enemies?


 Now I understand that stuff like that has a lot more to do with the person saying it than it does with me and the best thing to do is to not take it personally.  Not easy though eh?  Not at all, imo.

love to you,
Sela

[Certain Hope]

(((((Sela)))))  yes, maybe holey rubber would be better.

Those hurtful words that've been used as weapons against you... are beyond any understanding, I think... definitely not just shrugged off casually.

My childrens' dad, when I'd discovered what he'd been doing, said to me
"I'd kill you, if it wasn't for those kids."

Considering the source is the only way I know to put that rubbish to rest, Sela.

Love,
Carolyn

[Sela]

Hi everyone,

Izzy, I'm very sorry that I somehow missed posting back to you here.  I read your post and was thinking about it (not sure what to write and wanted to think some...then forgot to post.....duhhh!!!)    .

I've been away at my cabin and that is the best place for me to do some real heavy duty thinking, it seems.  Your words Iz:

I have NO idea when I realized it was the words that hurt the most. Another belief blown apart!

Really got me going and I still don't know how to respond.  I think I will ask, if you would please, for more explanation.  Do you believe the words hurt the most or not?  It seems, not, since you said another belief blown apart but I'm not sure I understand correctly, so I thought I'd ask because I'm confused ( what else is new eh?).

Was it the words that hurt the most?  I kept thinking about this.

It sure seemed like it was for me (since I was mostly "verbally" abused during that marriage and words were the weapon of choice).  Do I believe that now? (that the words hurt the most).   Do I think I really have the power to decide, always, every time, to NOT let words hurt me, from now on?  Do I?


It doesn't seem possible this Wednesday but by tomorrow, I might change my mind again ( , I know.  I'm a pain eh?).  I just haven't decided that I can and will indeed re-train my brain to immediately think thoughts that won't allow such words to hurt me ever again and maybe I can.......or maybe I can't do that? 

After all.......my heart is not made of steel.  I'm not some robot that will be programmed without errors am I?
On the other hand, I believe so strongly in the power of thinking and have seen/experienced great results when I've worked at it.



Carolyn, those words were nasty!!! (from your ex).  I can imagine, at the time, what that might have felt like on the receiving end.  (((((Carolyn))))).  I'm so glad you can now consider the source.

And I guess that's my point today.  I agree with the idea that one can consider the source and sort out the rubbish.  What I'm still wondering about is can I do that.......before the words get a chance to penetrate my heart?   After all.......those kinds of words seem to always come as a total shock and I have not been prepared for them.  How can I prepare properly for that?  (Ya....I know....stay away from the N-ish!!  I'll do my best).


"I never loved you.  I only used you."

WTF???

Yes, consider the source.  Consider the cruelty.  Consider the desire to wound.  Consider it worked and I don't want that to happen again!      I don't want to give any person that kind of satisfaction....again!!!

Have words hurt so deeply that they still ring in your head?  Has anyone developed a recipe to reject words that appear to be fuelled by cruelty and a desire to wound?  I need that recipe please. 

Sela

[Izzy_*now*]

hi Sela

I learned that chant when quite young, and when called a name, I would chant that and be okay after the fact (so I think I thought) but perhaps back then the words  did hurt me and I tucked that hurt away unknowingly along with many hurts.

Over the years, especially in a family of 5 fighting siblings, where most 'bad words' were flung, I must have had more hurt build up unbeknownst to me. That would and did leave a pile of unresolved anger.

As I matured (a bit) I realized this, and now I know my truth has been revealed that they are now toxic people who I keep further than arm's length and all anger has dissipated.

So my belief that "names will never hurt me " was blown apart in later life, after much  damage was done!

I also know now that it is not bad luck to put on one's left shoe first.

Izzy

[Sela]

Thanks Izzy.  Now I get it.  Your belief, that was blown away, was the belief that words can't hurt and so now, you realize that words can and do hurt and that by using that "chant", what really happens is that the hurt is denied/deflected/not acknowledged and so in it's place......anger grows??  Hope I got that right. 

Makes perfect sense.  So then......is the way to prevent that anger from growing, the immediate/clear acknowledging of the hurt?  Possibly voicing it?  Better out than in......kinda idea?

I suppose your right there but my question is still......

How do I prevent myself from feeling hurt when nasty words (which are intended to wound, not help) are spewed at me in the first place (or can it be done)?

I don't expect there is an answer that would suit everyone.  It's just something I've been turning around in my head because  to this day.......over 30 years later......I still feel a twinge of deep pain when I recall his words.   

(and more so.......I feel shame for not seeing and hearing and getting myself out of that situation and saving a whole wack of additional pain for myself and my children, who were born later).  Maybe it's the shame that's keeping the pain alive??    Ofcourse, I felt shame too for ....

not being loveable and for only being usable.

  Just realized that!!  Maybe it is the shame that keeps the pain alive?

Maybe it's the fear that the words are true that creates the shame that keeps the pain alive?

Holey moley I'm on  a roll ........!!!!

Sela

[Certain Hope]

Maybe it's the shame that's keeping the pain alive??     Ofcourse, I felt shame too for ....

not being loveable and for only being usable.

   Just realized that!!  Maybe it is the shame that keeps the pain alive?

Maybe it's the fear that the words are true that creates the shame that keeps the pain alive?

Holey moley I'm on  a roll ........!!!!

Yes, you are... on a roll!

I think you've nailed it, Sela.

The shame keeps the pain alive.

It's like an example I read recently where someone tries to explain away your hurt by saying, "You're too sensitive".
The proper response given =  "Yes, I am! Respect that!"

And - poof - the shame dissipates, giving the pain an opportunity to heal.

Instead of trying to stop being sensitive,  we can accept ourselves - sensitivities and all - which acceptance will allow and empower us to work on those boundaries which will keep away those who refuse to show appropriate respect? Something like that?

Sorry, feeble attempts here... but I hope that makes sense.

Keep rolling!

Love,
Carolyn

[Izzy_*now*]

hi Sela
Yes you understand me now.....and now for more.

When I recognized the toxic people in my life and mentally removed them, the end result was that I was freed od resentments and anger.

I now know far more about myself, and if I were ever"called a name", I would know it to be untrue and it would fall in a puddle to the ground.

How do I prevent myself from feeling hurt when nasty words (which are intended to wound, not help) are spewed at me in the first place (or can it be done)?

I know I am not a liar, a cheat, a sponger, a wimp, stupid, ugly, useless whatever. Were I ever to be called that to my face I would just say, "I know I am not "___________", so__________! idea...whatever fits the situation. If we know ourselves well enough, we don't have to wonder if someone else's words about us are true. WE know they are false and the problem belongs to the other person.

It was not that way when I couldn't defend myself, stand up for my self, let alone know about myself, which knowledge I gained in bits and pieces and finally in the past few years.


Izzy

[Sela]

Thanks Carolyn,

I'm sure I didn't have the proper boundaries back then or I would have bolted after hearing him say that.  I'm sure the fact that I stayed induced shame and guilt for not having correct boundaries.  Ofcourse, it wasn't my fault, as I was never taught....boundaries and had to figger it all out by myself (and I'm still doing that, I think).

I have a theory that fear is almost always at the root of so many feelings and again, I proved it to myself because it was really the fear......that his words were correct....that he had not loved me and only used me....and the insinuation, I suppose, the unspoken....."because you are not worthy/lovable....just an object to be used"........the fear that all that might be true that fertilized the shame and kept the pain alive for so long.   Typical N-tactics, I guess.

So far, I don't have a terribly difficult time responding to "you" statements, when people outright accuse me directly of some nasty thing that I believe untrue (and I suspect....they are saying it just to cause hurt).  No that's not the problem.  It's statements that contain so many unspoken but clearly meant words, which are many times "I" statements.  They shock me and I don't know how to respond, usually.  I'm too busy trying to digest what the person is saying....maybe?

Izzy, thanks too.  Yes, if someone says stuff like that....it's clear to me and I feel like I can respond, usually, without a whole lot of confusion.....and pain.  I guess......fear again......I'm just not sure how much pain I can stand.  Sometimes I feel like my limit is coming up soon and .......fear again.....what will happen after that?  If I could just find a way to avoid feeling hurt by confusing N-statements from now on......

I do think I can stand up for myself (and I'm glad you can and do too, Iz) in circumstances where people use directly accuse me or label me.  It's the .....N-messages.....words not spoken but clearly meant to be heard and cause pain.....that I have trouble with.

"I can't stand those loser dances"  someone said to me, one time, when I said I was on my way to a single parent's dance.

And the non-verbal junk that came with it....the smirky smile, the eye-batting.  All so confusing.  Made me wanna scream!!!

(well....back then.  now....I'm just tossing it all around for another exam.  I don't even remember what my response was.  I just know those words stuck in my brain....and my heart.  I was just starting to enjoy life again.  I had spent an entire year sitting in a chair watching the cable channel, once the kids were asleep in the evening, because I couldn't tolerate to look at anything remotely emotional...which included pretty well everything on tv.....even the commercials).  I was just climbing out of a deep pit of self-blame and lonliness and starting to connect with people and have some fun and then this person .....I trusted .....verbally slapped me like that.

And yep, that person is out of my life now too. Yay! 

But those words .....the desire to hurt me hiding behind them.... the effectiveness of that technique both p's me off and worries me that I ......here I go again in circles.....

let it bother/hurt me.  I want to avoid that, in future and I want to find a way to recognize when it's happening.  Maybe I will because of these experiences?  Fear again.....maybe I won't? 
Sela

[Izzy_*now*]

"I can't stand those loser dances"  someone said to me, one time, when I said I was on my way to a single parent's dance.

"Oh I love to dance, even if my partner's nose is stuck in my cleavage...especially when,,, Tah-Tah"

I don't know if I'd say that but I used to go to Parents Without Partners. As time progressed and I was the bookkeeper, I realized I was being used and I quit. My D hadn't made any long-lasting friends anyway. I realize now I made a good move without knowing it! Gut reaction, I guess.

Talking about watching anything emotional--that is, silly love stories--I don't watch them, nor read romance novels. Perhaps I am cynical about Love, but I'm 69 and past that stage. Although I still think young and I know how I would handle a romance now.

I have dreams of romance, and they are about a man I met about 15 years my junior, married with a little girl, but not happy because his wife was an alcoholic. We were what appeared to be  "good friends". I saw him every Sunday evening when I went to work the Bingo for our Charity, and he was the Manager of two Bingo Halls. I was about 50 and he about 35 and he was strikingly, cutely, sexily handsome and with his skin colour I thought he was Native Canadian, but no! I never did find out. I cannot even remember what we talked about, but he liked me, as a friend, took me out for lunch, even came to my place one night with some buddies and brought me natchos, arranged a birthday cake party/gifts at the Bingo Hall after hours , Oh yes! My FIRST birthday Party....I had  said in a previous post that I had never had a party....and always during the intermission, grabbed a chair and sat with me and we chatted. He said I was the only one who could balance the figures before leaving the Hall.

Nevertheless, it has been a long time since I have seen him....mid 90s?... when I quit the Fund-Raiser position. I always wonder why he is the one to show up in my dreams.... not often but when he does it is like a part of my life that I missed out on and affects  me all day. There are others but dreaming of him takes a whole day to get over. Three years, once a week? I guess he stuck in my mind there somewhere until I reached a point of setting loose many thoughts.

So I read mystery novels. There might be a romance includeed but the relationship is more realistic.....doesn't always work out!

I don't think I made sense here!...a single's dance set me off!

xx
Izzy

[Sela]

Aw Iz, you gave me a giggle there about the cleavage and what a great come back!

Would I have said that then?  No.  The person who said that to me about the dance knew my situation, knew what I'd been through and knew I had been in a very isolated place....that I was finally coming to the surface and said those words specifically....

to belittle me.....to undermine my choice.....to insult me and to hurt me (seems obvious now).

Which wouldn't matter really, if it weren't a person I cared about and trusted so much at the time.  So you see.....I got that message clearly, which was confusing at first, because of the twisted smile and the eye thingy....but I did eventually get it.  I doubt I could have thought to throw in a cute come back such as yours Iz.  I was too busy trying to decipher the code.

Re. Your romance:  Since the 90's eh?  I wonder if they're still together?

Perhaps I am cynical about Love, but I'm 69 and past that stage.

Years ago I attended a lovely wedding of a couple in their early 80's.  Is there really a time period on love Iz?

   Sela

PS:  Gotta go finish my weeding now and then we're all going for ice cream!!!  I'm just like a little kid when it comes to ice cream!!!  It's a rare treat and I plan on enjoying it!!!!!  Have a great night all!

[Certain Hope]

So far, I don't have a terribly difficult time responding to "you" statements, when people outright accuse me directly of some nasty thing that I believe untrue (and I suspect....they are saying it just to cause hurt).  No that's not the problem.  It's statements that contain so many unspoken but clearly meant words, which are many times "I" statements.  They shock me and I don't know how to respond, usually.  I'm too busy trying to digest what the person is saying....maybe?

Yup.

((((((Sela)))))) Maybe it's possible to reach a point where people who veil their nasty little opinions beneath shmooze (or worse) will just keep their distance because they know we're vague-proof. Now there's a happy thought! 

Love,
Carolyn

[Sela]

Thanks for that happy thought Carolyn!

I've been thinking about it and especially about: 

vague-proof

Maybe that's the key for me?  Maybe.....when I hear/sense/see confusing double-talk-code-embedded messages....
Maybe that's when I need to stop and put up the steel heart shield....consider the source....etc.?
Maybe then, I will not feel pain first and think second?
Maybe that's the recipe I've been searching for?

Or maybe I need a brain transplant? 


Oh Izzy!  I was wondering.....have you ever been w/c dancing?  I've seen it and it's sooo cool  !  Looks very fun!!  I bet you would enjoy spinning around to the music eh?

  Sela