why is it so hard to get over cruel lover

[Hopalong]

That exuberant, responsive  person is dormant or gone.

imo

Sea, you are one who knows that love is a great power, not a treacly fluffy gooey thing.
To meet a child and greet his enormity and complexity and respect his being so profoundly...
you are Dr. Sea, like Dr. G, like Andrew Vachs, who can make space in your own chest for a small child's enormous pain.

No wonder the loss of love in your life has been devastating. Like an echo of all the pain of all the children that you have to withstand and be present to, over and over.

You need a deep harbor. A tranquil and wise soul. Not a flamboyant glamourman.

For the work you do, you need a nurturing man. And so deserve one.

Meanwhile, look for nurturing women...woman are so brave about embracing and loving and supporting each other. We can hold other's women's pain.

And one day, you will find your man. Your exuberance is tempered, how could it not be?
Your responsiveness is drained by how much you must respond, all day, no holding back, utter presentness (even through a professional demeanor, it's still happening inside)...

Oh it's okay to want a nurse.

love
Hops

[sea storm]

Hey Hops,

I am so glad to hear from you. Your words are so deep and touch me so much.
I feel sad that you are somewhere feeling alone.  It is just so incongruous for you to be alone because you have such beauty in your soul.

Oh cripes.  Words fail me. I needed to go through this and as time goes by I can see the trap i was in a bit more clearly.  I guess I am like the horse who lived in the barn too long and was afraid to leave it.  i am not frolcking with abandon that is for sure.

I plot my days still so that I won't collapse into grief again.   Today i spent the day in my friends wild garden under some cork trees while a flicker was pecking away ignoring us. Her dog Nulei ( teddy bear in Finnish) was laying on his quilt with pillows and a big bowl of water. It was very hot for here.  32 degrees.   We were painting impressionist style.   It took all day.  what a lovely, slow, fruitful and gentle day with a good friend.  I am getting the hang of living.  One more day  going toward healing.

I counted the time I since I last saw N.  Eighteen months.   Now I am grateful that i lived through it. But I don't have the inner resources to survive breakups. 

My work with children is pretty hard for sure.  I have a kid I see who has shaken baby syndrome.  He keeps having nightmares about his dad, who is in prison for breaking his bones and shaking him until he is brain damage.  Fortunately, the child has quite a lot of his intellect in tact.  Lots is gone but he does well in school. Socially, he is really lost.  One thing about working with kids is that they heal so quickly. It will just amaze me.  I could not do it unless this was so.  I see change.  The parents are the hard part.  This sounds aweful probably.   I develop relationships with the kids and demonstrate respect.  Sometimes, quite often, the parents dont.

I try to build resiliency so that so can cope.   I am very playful.  I get to have an outlet for this with kids.  I am a puppeteer, play maker, sand box sort of counsellor.  This would be helpful for adults too but they are too reserved.

I digress.

Luckily, I have a job that is meaningful, even if it is nutso sometimes.

Thanks for understanding that I cant just "get over it".   It is going to take a lot of time and staying out of range.

Lots of love to ya.

Sea storm

[changing]

SeaStorm-

Thank you for your dedicated work with and for children. It is a creative act, just like your painting, to visualize a whole and healthy child and to nurture your vision, day by day... truly sacred.

Visualizing and growing yourself is also a process not a mechanistic act, and it involves so many steps and some growing pains and periods of healing and rebuilding as well...

I hope you are feeling fine after your lovely , slow, fruitful, gentle day. Hope you have a wonderful week ahead...

Best,

Changing

[sea storm]

Thanks changing for your words of encouragement.

Yup, I do feel quite peaceful tonight.  I am on holiday and this is the first summer in two years that I can see it being a good summer. 

sea.

[changing]

Hello Sea-

Then, here's to a wonderful, peaceful and fulfilling summer! You have waited 2 years for this good summer, so have a ball Seastorm, and enjoy your holiday!!

Love and Cheers,

Changing

[Hopalong]

I am not in the slightest bit shocked that the parents are awful.

So glad you're painting. Respecting yourself.

It's going to be okay.

I got burnout over one selfish old woman.

I can't imagine how perilous your work would be for me.

I bend a knee.

love,
Hops

[sea storm]

Thank you everyone who replied to me.  I sometimes just withdraw for awhile, kind of overwhelmed.
I have been off for two weeks now and still feel very tired. I think I am letting down after the demands of work.  It is  a pretty crazy job and sometimes I think I should get another job that was more grounded. By that I mean where I could work out of one place rather than carry my office in my car and go to four schools.  One school a day. Usually about 10 kids to see in each school so I cant possible do the job.  Much call parents and agencies too.

Some little ally has joined the chorus in my head.  This one is positive. This voice says how would someone with confidence act in this situation.  Just think about it, you dont have to act on it.  It is an odd thing.  I dont mean I really hear voices but instead of the inner critic, there is something else there too. More and more.
Says things like" Oh thanks N for the thought but I would rather ......"  or  offers me the detached person's guide to what is going one.  Like an angel watching the scene unfold from a distance. For example, Oh there is E. and he is typing out one finger reply to new woman saying, " oh yes I live here and I am semi retired"  and I think it is funny and ridiculous for him to say such a pompous and untrue thing.  This is like a gentle healing wind  in my soul.