Ami,
You are so on target. Perceiving our own needs and meeting them is why we're all here. It is the essence of who we are, along with our feelings.
You are doing so well! You may be taking baby steps in seeing them and meeting them, but understanding that you have them (in the bigger context) is such a huge step, it really is. I bet you make tremendous strides from hereon in.
I speak from experience, and as one who still, after all these years, isn't too great at any of this. My parents raised me to have no needs. To meet their needs. (We were talking about this last night at group.) I had been in therapy with one analyst (Ph.D.) for five years, then began with my current therapist ... and when he started talking about needs, I felt like the "dirtiest" person on earth. The word "need" was something I instantly had to dismiss from my mind/consciousness. It was a sin, so to speak, to have needs in my family. It took me years and years, literally, to begin to understand that having a need was okay, it's what we do as human beings. To me it was a dirty word, and I was deeply, deeply, DEEPLY ashamed at the prospect of having them. Talk about shame! This was at the core of much of it for me. It was so profound that I just couldn't even entertain the idea for, I'm guessing, 4-5 years, quite possibly even more, in therapy. It was too shameful to admit, even with my therapist egging me on and encouraging me.
And I have to tell you, although I have had a few small successes in the intervening years, this is still a major struggle for me. I am only just now beginning to get a little clarity on it and to consider what I need in the big scheme of things. I have to say, this is one result of the whole N pastor fiasco thing. He threw me into such a chasm of hurt that there is only one way out, and that is to build my life.
During the last 24-48 hours, I have begun to think that in spite of all the work I have done -- and I really have! -- in therapy, I really do not know myself at all. Needs are a big part of this. Knowing who I am and what I want. It's awfully scarey to think that I am that out of touch with myself.
When I talk about not being able to answer questions, this -- what you're talking about -- is exactly what I'm talking about.
Perhaps this is why I've always felt so drawn to you, that you touch me so deeply. That striving.
Peace,
LC
