Does anyone feel self-destructive after being with their N?

[Lizbeth]

My mother never knew I was bulemic (in fact, my husband (with my permission), just told my father this year so he would lay off the darned comments about my weight (which is going down slowly now).  You think at age 51 I wouldn't have to hear comments from a parent about something so hurtful?  Geez.  Anyway, that stopped him in his tracks because he actually knew someone who had been anorexic and who had died from it.  

My mother, crazy as she was, in her more lucid period at the end of her life, told my husband that she knew she was the cause of my weight problems because she forced me to sit up at the age of 2 until 5 (from what I can remember) until at least 2 am when I wouldn't clean my plate.  Even though she didn't know about my bulemia, at this time in her life, she realized what her force feeding (or attempt to) had done to me, but what she didn't realize that her belittling of me as a teenager of my weight problems hurt even more.  Instead of a mother, I had a tormenter.

My father, when told this year about her treatment of me, of course disavowed any responsibility in the abuse by stating "she must have done that when I was on the late shift."  

Crap, he knew she was schizophrenic after she had her first episode when she was pregnant with me and still allowed me to be raised by her and had two more chidren by her.  Talk about living in denial.  He has and always will live in denial.

[allusedup]

oh, how i identify with both the self-destructiveness and the psychosomatic illnesses after contact....

just a few nights ago, i was so angry, hurt, frustrated, that I pounded my fist into a concrete floor until I left a blood mark on the floor - then had to go to the ER, thinking I'd broken something. Now that I've had time to process my behavior, what a waste - to hurt myself when I've got my Ndad who's more than happy to hurt me in any way he can. I should be moving toward helping myself and healing, rather than making his behavior my own and turning it against myself!  Lesson learned (hopefully!).

The "illness" thing - blinding headaches, knot in stomach, hard to take a breath, vomiting, and a general sense of being totally physically and mentally drained - exhausted, totally non-functional.

My therapist keeps telling me I'm doing well by recognizing what I need to work on - now it's time to get to work!  if it was only that easy...but i'm not giving up, because I WANT MY LIFE BACK!

and i hope it's the same for you.  you sound so sad, hurt and angry...but there's got to be a way out (as others on this board keep proving).  keep working at it, as i will - and the best of luck to you!

bobbie

[les]

Just need to say I really understand these self-destructive feelings. Glad to hear you are feeling better OnlyMe.

Like so many others in this thread my body started to react early in life- colitis/irritable bowel syndrome from an early age, abdominal surgery at 19, now understood to be stress related; throat surgery at 52, definitely stress-related. Feels like someone is gnawing away at me but by god no more!  There is a book called " When the body says no."  Time to start listening for the messages and taking them seriously!

Les