Does anyone feel self-destructive after being with their N?

[OnlyMe]

I am having a delayed reaction to being with my Nmother this past week, and I thought I'd start a new topic to see if anyone else experiences the things that I do.  I'm having a bit of a crisis!!!

Life with my nMother is All or Nothing.  By that, I mean that each morning I would wake up and have to earn her love.  If I did anything  wrong, even if it wasn't wrong, but just didn't please her, she made me feel as though I were worthless.  When I would scream that I was not worthy to live, she never even batted an eye.  Well, all my life I have struggled with this, because, if I feel that somehow I have made a mistake, or whatever, I feel that the only alternative is to rid the earth of me.  

But, honestly, I am not crazy, it just feels that way. I, thank God, have enough sense that I try to reason why I am reacting that way, and I am still here.  But it seems as though my Nupbringing has left me with a short-circuit, and no coping skills for times when I perceive that I am not worthy of something or someone.  LOW Self esteem, I guess.

Example : Dad died in June (92) and I am left with nM who didn't grieve for one moment.  Then, she told me that I did not inherit anything from him, and I believed her.  Last month, when I visited her to help her with paperwork, we went to the lawyer and again, it was mentioned that I did not inherit one mug or even one of his paintbrushes (I am his only child, and am a bit of an artist, as was he).  Anyhow, to make a long story short, when I was filing copies of his Will to take to the bank next time I visited nM, I flipped it open to make sure I had the correct paperwork - and saw my name - my father had left me All his personal effects, which included his jewelry, paintings, and his war medals (he was  D-Day Vet, we're Canadian).   When I showed NM and asked her, she said "How am I supposed to remember everything?" and came into his room (they had separate bedrooms - gee, there's a surprise!) - opened his underwear drawer and with both hands, threw it all at me and said "Take This!".
All his personal effects have mysteriously disappeared in the past few months while he was in Long-term care, dying.  I was with him most of the time, and their house was never vandalized.   Hmmmm.   So, I am grieving the loss of my Dad, and the horrendous cruelty of my nM.

I am somewhat exhausted from it all, and yet, do not feel that I am worthy enough to take care of myself.  I am in remission from Cancer, so I know how important it is to stay well - I have fought hard to live.  Today, while sorting through a few of Dad's art supplies (I went back to their house and got them) I burned our dinner.  My first reaction was that I was too stupid to live.  My dear H is the kindest man on earth, but I know it hard when I go from peaceful to self-destructive in a flash.  I cried, screamed, and packed my bags, even though I had no where to go.  My NM had given me about 30 librium and I thought that might be the solution.  All the while, I am smart enought to know that this is wrong, a learned response, and it is a short-circuit reaction to the things I learned as a child with an all-or-nothing NMother.
I have calmed down.  Thank God I have a brain and know enough to stop and think things through....
but this self-destructive behaviour only rears its ugly head after I have spent time with my NMother!  She is Evil.  I thought I had escaped unscathed this last time, but unfortunately, my pain was only delayed.

Does anyone else manifest these symptoms of N abuse?  I'd appreciate some help to stop my reaction.  I want to survive this Cruel Old Woman and her Pain.

Thank you all, in advance.

[Ellie]

Hi OnlyMe,

You probably will not like my response, but the only way to get better from the pain inflicted on you is to stay away from the one handing out the pain and hurt. You've got to get away and stay away.

I must have read this here recently, but N is like a contagious disease. If you stay around the contagious germs, they are likely to kill you. If you can gain an immunity against the disease, then you are safer, but not completely out of harm's way. If you get far, far away from the germs, they cannot harm you. Some Ns will try to follow you, just like really nasty germs. But not re-exposing yourself to the germs is the only way to protect yourself.

I am so sorry you are suffering so. I know that feeling - have experienced it many times in my life. But I am stronger now and know that I deserve to live - even though Nparents don't think so.

Maybe the rebel in me wants to thrive despite them! That's what has gotten me this far. I had a few years off from my rebellious nature while I was having children and a mother to young children. But now that they are growing up, I can nurture me again, and I found the rebel in me that was lying dormant.

[bunny]

If you decide to continue seeing your mother, I suggest you develop Strategies and Plans. I'd make plans to prepare for seeing her, plans for ending the visit abruptly if necessary, and plans for how to take care of myself afterward. Without strategies and plans, you are basically in a very vulnerable situation. With them, you are more in control of the situation (though not in control of this toxic, sick mother).

bunny

[ch]

As long as you choose to have a relationship with Npeople, you will always have to compromise yourself.  This would be a great sacrifice to your self esteem which needs alot of repair after enduring the N treatments.  I think you should cut your losses, and start to rebuild yourself.  Get rid of any guilt.

[Anonymous]

Dear OnlyMe,

 

If you are feeling this way, then yes, you must limit your contact.  

Many of the stories posted here remind me of the fairy tale Snow White.  A couple of years ago, Disney retold the story with live action, including a round room lined with floor to ceiling mirrors for the NQueen.  When she asks, "Who's the fairest of them all?", the mirrors turn into several quicksilver Terminator 2 type images of the Queen leaning out from the wall saying, "you are you are you are you are".  It was really creepy!!

Anyway, back to you.  Your mother is the evil queen who is/was dethroned by you and she knows it.  The will is literally testimony to that.  What a slap in the face for Queenie to have all her H's personal effects left to you!  After he had the gall to die on her.  This might sound harsh and twisted, but she wants you dead and in a way you are dead to her.  Dead people don't come around to visit and take crap off people.  They haunt them.  

You are the queen now and she knows it.  Snow White came back to life and lived happily ever after (corny as it sounds) and you can too.  

I really agree with Bunny about planning.  Just recently I knew that we would be encountering my bizarre SIL at a public gathering.  By now, I knew what to expect.  My young daughter was going to be coming with me and I sat her down and told her what to expect.  She said she would follow my lead.  Without planning, I would have been trying to direct my daughter spontaneously while trying to navigate past my SIL.  All the way there I reminded myself of why this was necessary.  Afterwards, I gave myself more reminders to help me get rid of the twinge of guilt and sadness that it had to be this way.  I was also pleased it was only a twinge and that the planning spared my d a lot of awkwardness and embarrassment.  It was a victory through planning.  

If you must visit her, plan the work and work the plan.  Practice putting up an imaginary shield.  Practice robotic responses when she says hurtful things.  Practice your exit lines.  Practice your mantra for departure.  Remember that the staff has seen these scenes before, that they have had other Ns before.  Do not be embarrassed.  If you find the strength to slay this dragon, you will surprise yourself with your new self-esteem.  

If you have a therapist (sorry    don't remember) schedule your appt for a day or two afterwards if that's when you need the support.  Sometimes our "heads go out" you know, like any other body part and it needs to rest to recover.  

I'm sort of recovering from some Nness in a different arena, so I'm wordy today.  Hope this helps, Seeker.

[Dawning]

OnlyMe,

Hi again.  I can really empathize because I, too, am my Nmother's only child.  Lucky us, eh?       The fact that we have no siblings makes these evil, selfish monsters even more difficult to deal with.  

Life with my nMother is All or Nothing. By that, I mean that each morning I would wake up and have to earn her love. If I did anything wrong, even if it wasn't wrong, but just didn't please her, she made me feel as though I were worthless. When I would scream that I was not worthy to live, she never even batted an eye. Well, all my life I have struggled with this, because, if I feel that somehow I have made a mistake, or whatever, I feel that the only alternative is to rid the earth of me.

I used to think this way too.  Still do sometimes.  But its an old program.  Whoever told you (or insinuated) that making a mistake meant you had to be gotten rid of was manipulating you, scapegoating you and using you to compensate for their own fears of making mistakes.  You mustn't allow yourself to be used.  Balance it out - for every person like that (yes, even mother Ns) there is someone who is not like that.  That's your balance.  Don't give your mother the power that she wants because she will use it against you.  She's sick and irresponsible when it comes to you.  Mine is too.  

and came into his room (they had separate bedrooms - gee, there's a surprise!) - opened his underwear drawer and with both hands, threw it all at me and said "Take This!".

Sounds family-iar.  If she does this crap again, smirk.  Try smirking.  I really feel for you.  You don't deserve her rage.  Please don't ever believe that you do.  You are not at her mercy anymore.  Now you know what she is doing.  

Does anyone else manifest these symptoms of N abuse?

I am getting better at dealing with my mother's NPD and, with that, has come some lessening of my self-destructive behaviour.  But I also have a father N so, yes, I still have symptoms.  Step by step.  I remind myself that everyday, in everyway, I am getting better and better.

My NM had given me about 30 librium and I thought that might be the solution. All the while, I am smart enought to know that this is wrong, a learned response, and it is a short-circuit reaction to the things I learned as a child with an all-or-nothing NMother.

Good for you, OnlyMe.  Keep those *smarts.*  You'll get far in life with them.

Love,
Dawning.

[OnlyMe]

Thank you all for your ideas and suggestions - and for your Understanding, most of all!  It is so hard to keep up appearances everywhere in the real world, and it is so liberating to be able to tell the truth about how I feel, what I have been through, the emotional scars it has left, and the healing journey I am sharing with this group.
I appreciate your ideas - I'll get a Plan together for my next face-to-face with my Nm!  And my dear H is going to field the daily phone calls for me, for a few days, to give me a break from her voice.
My crisis has passed, and today is calm. Whew.  It would have taken much longer without this group as an outlet for my fears and frustrations.
Thank you Dr. G. for providing this place for us to meet.  As I have said before, it is a lifesaver, and I mean that literally.    
.javascript:emoticon(':D')
Very Happy

[OnlyMe]

PS - I tried the Emoticons, but guess I don't quite have the knack - Oh Well, I'm smiling, and that is good!  

[Jenocidal]

I don't feel self destructive after being in my mother's company.  What does happen tho is that I become psychosomatically ill.

After being in her company for a few hours - I become physically drained, my stomach turns to knots, I get headaches, and my Crohn's disease symptoms start flaring up - even while in total remission from the illness.

Her very presence is toxic to me and to others as well.  I'm not the only one whom gets ill from her presence.

[OnlyMe]

That is so interesting that you get sick.  So do I.  Very sick.
My H says he loses me for almost a week, because I start to get Headaches and tight muscle knots for a few days before I go to visit my Nm, and then when I get home, I have terrible stomach cramps, terrible headaches, want to cry, can't bear to be with anyone for a few days, and am just plain miserable.  I honestly wondered for a while if she was an evil spirit, because it was almost as if there was an evil spell around me!  
I had been diagnosed, years ago, with Fibromyalgia, complete with Iritable Bowel Syyndrome, but now I find that it isn't as bad as it used to be - ever since my drs figured out about my nM, and that it was her craziness that kept me in the 'fight or flight' mode all the time.  My muscles never got a chance to relax.  As I am learning about ways to cope with Nm, I am getting stronger, and these physical signs are getting much better.  I no longer need to live in 'fight or flight mode', every day.   However, yes, I always get sick after being with my nM, too.
They have a terrible power, completely disproportionate to their size!  

[Anonymous]

I used to be a nervous wreck after seeing my NMIL. My plans developed to see her as infrequently as possible (my H was very hurt by this and therapists had to intervene!); to have a drink before seeing her since I couldn't face her without fortification; and to have something fun to do afterward. She was a real life-sucker. I never thought she would die but eventually she did.

bunny

[Lizbeth]

My mother was a diagnozed paranoid schizophrenic and a recluse the last 20 years of her life.  I only visited her physically a few times in those years because of the terrible effect she had on me.  But I did send her letters (easy to do) and I would call her on special occasions.  However, I would wait until the last possible minute to call her, completely overwrought at the thought of having to speak to her, and would be a wreck for days afterward if she started to push my buttons.  At the end of her life she became somewhat more lucid and realized (after a few angry outburts and hang-ups from me) what she had been doing to me my entire life and apologized to me through my husband.  

I can't even begin to imagine what spending several days with her would have been like at that point in her life.  Just having to talk to her wrecked me.

[Anonymous]

yup - living with my mother, growing up - my body and mind were in a constant state of "fight or flight".  I am positive that my mother was the cause of my early childhood development of this gastrointestinal disorder.  I read in my psych text last semester that chhildren who are emotionally and physically abuse, and or move around a lot and are never allowed to settled down tend to develope this digestive diseases.  I got mine at such a young age, it was nearly unheardof in children that young.

[Lizbeth]

I was bulemic from the age of 16 until just last year (3 years after my mother died and after some therapy and some other self-discovery issues I worked on.)  I know this was in direct response to the verbal and possibly physical (when I was very little) abuse at the hands of my mother.

[Jenocidal]

I'll never forget the time, when I had just got out of the hospital for a serious Crohn's attack (I was 18) - I went with my mother to her wedding dress taylors - and my mom kept telling everyone not to mind me, that I was anorexic.  I would get so angry with her, cos I wasn't anorexic.. I just had a digestive disease that she cursed me with.  She would go out of her way to tell complete strangers my private heath details... right in front of me.  It would infurriate me.  And she knew it too.  It was like she was making excuses to total strangers for why should could have had a defective child.