I am having a delayed reaction to being with my Nmother this past week, and I thought I'd start a new topic to see if anyone else experiences the things that I do. I'm having a bit of a crisis!!!
Life with my nMother is All or Nothing. By that, I mean that each morning I would wake up and have to earn her love. If I did anything wrong, even if it wasn't wrong, but just didn't please her, she made me feel as though I were worthless. When I would scream that I was not worthy to live, she never even batted an eye. Well, all my life I have struggled with this, because, if I feel that somehow I have made a mistake, or whatever, I feel that the only alternative is to rid the earth of me.
But, honestly, I am not crazy, it just feels that way. I, thank God, have enough sense that I try to reason why I am reacting that way, and I am still here. But it seems as though my Nupbringing has left me with a short-circuit, and no coping skills for times when I perceive that I am not worthy of something or someone. LOW Self esteem, I guess.
Example : Dad died in June (92) and I am left with nM who didn't grieve for one moment. Then, she told me that I did not inherit anything from him, and I believed her. Last month, when I visited her to help her with paperwork, we went to the lawyer and again, it was mentioned that I did not inherit one mug or even one of his paintbrushes (I am his only child, and am a bit of an artist, as was he). Anyhow, to make a long story short, when I was filing copies of his Will to take to the bank next time I visited nM, I flipped it open to make sure I had the correct paperwork - and saw my name - my father had left me All his personal effects, which included his jewelry, paintings, and his war medals (he was D-Day Vet, we're Canadian). When I showed NM and asked her, she said "How am I supposed to remember everything?" and came into his room (they had separate bedrooms - gee, there's a surprise!) - opened his underwear drawer and with both hands, threw it all at me and said "Take This!".
All his personal effects have mysteriously disappeared in the past few months while he was in Long-term care, dying. I was with him most of the time, and their house was never vandalized. Hmmmm. So, I am grieving the loss of my Dad, and the horrendous cruelty of my nM.
I am somewhat exhausted from it all, and yet, do not feel that I am worthy enough to take care of myself. I am in remission from Cancer, so I know how important it is to stay well - I have fought hard to live. Today, while sorting through a few of Dad's art supplies (I went back to their house and got them) I burned our dinner. My first reaction was that I was too stupid to live. My dear H is the kindest man on earth, but I know it hard when I go from peaceful to self-destructive in a flash. I cried, screamed, and packed my bags, even though I had no where to go. My NM had given me about 30 librium and I thought that might be the solution. All the while, I am smart enought to know that this is wrong, a learned response, and it is a short-circuit reaction to the things I learned as a child with an all-or-nothing NMother.
I have calmed down. Thank God I have a brain and know enough to stop and think things through....
but this self-destructive behaviour only rears its ugly head after I have spent time with my NMother! She is Evil. I thought I had escaped unscathed this last time, but unfortunately, my pain was only delayed.
Does anyone else manifest these symptoms of N abuse? I'd appreciate some help to stop my reaction. I want to survive this Cruel Old Woman and her Pain.
Thank you all, in advance.