Treating my mental health problem

[Juno]

My workplace offers an Employee Assistance Program that I have finally taken advantage of.  I called to ask for counseling for my depression and they gave me the name of a counselor in the next county and will pay for six sessions.  Yesterday was my first one.  I had been thinking about it a lot in the days between making the appointment and actually going.  Just preparing myself and thinking about what I want to work on.  There is so much.  And I am more depressed than I even realized.  But by the end of the appointment, it seemed do-able. 

She had given me good directions for finding the place, but I still had trouble just going in.  I went in twice and then went out again because there was no receptionist and I couldn't tell where to go from the entryway.  Then I called the counselor from the sidewalk out front but her voicemail picked up as she had a client.  So, I tried the side of the building and there was no way in.  So, I had to go in a third time and that's when I finally saw the clipboard she had left for me.

Something so small and I had so much trouble with it!  My confidence is really low.

Once I was in her office, she kind of left it wide open for what I wanted to say.  And I was stumped.  I told her I thought she would ask me questions!  I finally got started and surprised myself again by how close to the surface all my hurt is.  I got very upset about something I mentioned that I thought I was long since over.  Guess I am not over it after all.

She went over a long list of symptoms for depression and anxiety and I have almost all of them.  Plus, the family history.  She thinks the talk therapy won't work if I am not also on some kind of anti-depressant.  She put it much tactfully than how I wrote it.  So, I will go to my regular doctor on Monday to get that taken care of.

She thinks I may need to have a psychiatrist available at some point if I need different medications that need to be followed.  She also suggested that I may need to continue past the six sessions--luckily she accepts the insurance I have. 

It was stressful.  It feels like a tough time is coming for me.  I don't feel relieved yet.  It feels like more responsibility on my shoulders.  But at least I am not completely on my own.

I think I have been fooling myself for a very long time.  It was overwhelming trying to explain to her what is going on with me and my life.  There is a lot there to work on.  I have been keeping so much inside.  Even as much as I wrote on this board.  Even as much effort as I have made to improve.  There is just too much stored up.  Everywhere I look, every time I turn around, it is something else. 

I feel very, very abnormal.  I'm glad she was nice.  But it was hard to look at her sometimes--she reminded me of my old N-boss from ten years ago.  Similar appearance and mannerisms.  Yet, quite different in personality.  She seems happy and well-adjusted.  Centered.  But I was triggered just by her familiar face.  I hadn't expected that at all.  It is disappointing to me just how thoroughly depressed and anxious I am.  So completely out of balance that I would be distracted by a vague similarity to someone who hurt me in the past.

She doesn't know about Voicelessness and Narcissism.  But at this point, that sounds like a luxury to me.  I think it will be a miracle just to become normal.

I wish I weren't such a late bloomer.  I know it is good to have finally started this.  But all these years of suffering.  Such a loss.

[Lupita]

Dear Juno, I am so proud fo you!!!!! You took the courage! You did it girl!  You will start the progress!

If they ofer you the antidepressants medication, look for to read about them so you can help yout doctor choos the best for ouy. If you want to lose weight there are some that are appettie supressant too, if you do not want to get fat, there are many that make you gain weight immediately, too bad, if you have urine problems there are some that are good and some that are bad for the bladder.
ETC.

But at the end, they are good, and they modified your mood.

Good for you Juno!

[Juno]

Thank you Lupita--I wasn't thinking about possible side effects.  That is definitely something for me to keep in mind.  I don't need to lose weight but I also don't want to gain any.  I tried Prozac about twelve years ago and it worked at that time and there were no side effects.  My counselor suggested that one since it worked before.  People on this board have had good luck with Cymbalta, too.  So, I guess I hope it is one of those.

Thank you for your response, Lupita. 

[James]

Juno......We have never spoken to each other here before and so you have no basis for my recommendation. I have no idea if you have ever read any of the works by Swiss author and ex. psychoanalyst, Alice Miller. It might be wise to consult her theories before you make a decision on a therapist and certainly on the use of psyche drugs. You can find her guidelines on her website. She's very clear, and states what she thinks on this issue. It cost me a lot of time and money, by not being able to see thru the harm of bad therapist's and the use of these drugs. I never saw major improvements until I implemented her ideas and found the truth about what she writes for myself. IMO the idea of finding a good therapist may seem simple but I can assure you it's not. Best to you whatever you decide............James

[Certain Hope]

Dear Juno,

Even with confidence bottomed out and the burden of depression, I believe that you have a sound head on your shoulders and a gut that's very worthy of trust.

I think that it is completely normal to get upset all over again, when you say some things aloud.
That puts it into an entirely different realm... and it's okay.
Some of the biggest setbacks I've ever had... well, I think they've been self-induced, because I started beating myself up over not being "over" some hurdle which I'd thought was cleared.

You are doing so well to reach out for assistance in a thoughtful, deliberate way. And she accepts your insurance! That is awesome.
One day at a time, one appointment at a time, right?

And you can certainly inform your physician of your personal experience with Prozac and ask lots of questions re: other alternatives, if you'd like.
Your recovery really is in your hands... very capable hands which just need some help right now, Pp.
You can allow these other individuals to assist you in healing, as you choose...  at your own pace and according to your own unique style... which is a very wonderful style, indeed.
Please don't forget how very precious you are.

Love,
Carolyn

[gratitude28]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((Juno))))))))))))))))))))))

I am so proud of you for taking advantage of the services available to you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was lucky to get on an AD when I had thyroid disease (it took two doctors, and the first one felt I just wasn't 'depressed enough.'" I think therapy would probably help me too, but I haven't been as smart as you and taken that plunge yet. I really think this will be great for you!!!!!!!! It is so hard to ask for help, but it really seems unbelievable that it ook such a great effort once you get there. I had to do that with AA too.

Juno, I am so very happy for you. Please keep telling us how it goes.

Love, Beth

[teartracks]

Hi Juno,

Hugs and ata girls to you. 

Be good to yourself.

Thank god for therapists.  I did it alone.  Very hard.  Would never advise going it alone for anyone.  Glad you've taken the plunge!

tt

[ann3]

Hi Juno,

Congrats on taking this step!!!!  It's so wonderful that you are taking care of yourself.  Therapy is a process, so it will probably take time and you may discover things about yourself that you weren't aware of.

I have been in therapy for a few months and I am begining to see positive results.  About 1 month ago, I was wondering if the therapy was helping me and then, boom!  I realized, the therapy is definitely helping because my thinking isn't going around in circles and leaving me feeling immoble. I am now starting to not only seem my problems, but also see possible solutions  and I feel less overwhelmed.

Good luck to you.
ann

[cats paw]

Hi Juno,

  Just wanted to take this opportunity to add my atta girl as well.

  I don't think I've posted to you before, but I wanted to let you know I read what you write, and I remember reading your posts
 when you used to write as Pp.  It was a while back, way before I ever made my first post, and you wrote more often.

  It sounds encouraging that you've had luck with an AD in the past, and now you'll have both types of therapy.

cats paw

[Juno]

Hi James, we've never spoken it's true.  But I have read your posts and have checked a little bit on Alice Miller.  From what little I have read, and also from what you and Ami have said about her work, I think she is right up my alley.  The thing is, my concentration levels are so low these days and I really think I have reached the limit of what I can do on my own.  I'm thinking of the medication as a leg up on this.  If it doesn't work, then I'll try something else. 

And I'm not so bowled over by this particular counselor I have started seeing that I wouldn't consider anyone else.  It's just that I kind of expected someone not very good.  In the past I have tried some counseling and I could tell pretty much right away that someone was not going to be good with me.  And I just nipped it in the bud each time.  So, I think it will be okay to go with this one for the six sessions--free, all free, courtesy of my employer (which has probably caused part of my depression).  They owe me one then, don't they?

So, I'm open to Alice Miller but I'm not ready for Alice Miller.  I'm just not doing real good these days with anything.  I am actually unable to do many things that would probably be helpful to myself.  I think I've kind of surrendered.  How would I find an enlightened person to be with me on this stuff if I can't even maintain my friendships very well?  I hardly post here anymore and I used to post every day.  I can't be my own advocate at the moment.

Thank you for your advice and experience, James.  I am interested but it will take me some time before I can run with stuff like this.

[Juno]

Hi Carolyn, thank you for your confidence in me.  I'm not exactly surrounded by good people who believe in me these days--there are some out there, but mostly I'm around users and takers and people who don't support me in any way.  So, it means a lot when someone does.

I sure was taken aback by my emotions when I started telling the counselor about how we had left the area for ten years when my husband was in the Navy.  Then we came back here and nobody cared about us.  Family didn't go out of their way to welcome us and neither did the few friends who were still in the area.  I got so choked up about that.  She didn't know what to say at first but then she finally understood what I meant.  That everyone had established their "circle" all those years we were gone.  We came back and there was no room for us.  I can't believe that still hurts so much after all these years--fourteen years we've been back.  Anyway, I was just surprised at myself.  Of all the things I could and might tell her, that I know hurt, that one seemed so small and old.  And when I have told that story to people over the years, they have dismissed my ideas about it.  People who have never pulled up roots as we have, so how would they know?  But they always dismiss me when I talk about it.  So I don't talk about it much anymore.  It just popped out yesterday.  Surprise!

So, yep, I guess I'm going to go at my pace.  I'm going to do my best and see how it turns out.

[Juno]

Hi Beth, I don't know, it seems to me like you're doing okay.  You've gained so much from AA and are even able to give back on this board.  Maybe therapy would just be the icing on the cake! 

It's funny, I didn't know what it would take for me to finally just make that phone call.  I knew for a long time I probably needed to do it.  I knew for a long time I could have something for free.  It's private and all that.  I know particular co-workers who used the service and were happy with the results.  I just figured that for me it would be something big and obvious.  Crying jags or something.  But I really don't feel like crying much.  I think that is not a good thing either.  My feelings are kind of flat.

When I came on here a couple of weeks ago and started my Feeling Lousy thread, I don't know what I expected.  But that is when I finally came to my senses.  My "surrender" left me open to it I guess.  And people must have said the right things.  It got me to moving in the right direction.  But it was a very quiet epiphany.  A slow one.  The real deal this time.

I would like to bring up things on here as I muddle along with this.  We'll see how it goes.

[Juno]

Thank you for the atta girl, TT.  I am with you on how hard it is to do alone.  I really thought I could keep going this way.  I have learned so much and grown a lot in my time with this board.  Well, I guess that is not entirely alone.  But anyway, I figured I could keep going in this manner and I would keep improving.  But instead, I'm seeing the depth of my illness now.  Maybe that is progress or growth too.  Before I couldn't see it.  But this is really too overwhelming for me to continue on my own.  I don't know what to work on anymore.  And some of it, I guess it has to be said out loud to a real person.  And those particular things I can't say to a friend or my husband.  They have feelings too.  That would be a burden on them.  And what would they think of me afterwards?  It's got to be a stranger, I think.  I don't even know if I want to tell some of these things to a pro.  Maybe I don't have to, I don't really know.  But I'm ready to lay it all down now.  It's been such a burden for a long, long time.

[Juno]

Hi ann, thank you for letting me know about your progress.  I would like so much to start improving in a few months.  I'm ready to feel good and start living.  It's funny you said you have discovered some things about you that you didn't even know!  I have said a couple times recently, I'm not so sure I like how I'm turning out!  Because I haven't really known myself all that well all these years.  That probably doesn't seem possible to people who have an average upbringing with average parents.  But I bet it is par for the course for us!  I want to like "me".  But lately my shadow side is out much of the time and I don't admire "her" too much.  And other times I'm so blah, I'm boring even to me.  Booooring!  Hopefully, that is the depression too.

I can remember being different during other times of my life.  These days, I can hardly believe it is the same person.  I've really deteriorated, especially compared to who I was starting to become.

Ann, it is good to hear you are benefiting from therapy.  I do feel hopeful I will benefit too.

[Juno]

Hi cats paw, it's nice to meet you.  I have read your posts too--but I don't post very much these days.  Maybe we will talk more in the future as I feel better.

One thing about the ADs.  I told her I had taken Prozac several years ago and it had helped.  Then more recently, a couple of years ago, I tried some birth control pills that had an extra ingredient that was supposed to act as an anti-depressant, I guess for PMS.  It didn't work for me at all.  I was so disappointed.  She said she had heard about that--Serafem--and also heard that it didn't work for other women either. 

When it failed me, I had thought, well since it is supposed to be like Prozac, and it didn't work for me, then maybe Prozac doesn't work for me any more either.  Now that my depression is worse (and I had gone off the Prozac cold turkey, which is the wrong way to do it) I thought I was kind of screwed.  I thought it wouldn't work for me any more and that it was my own damn fault it wouldn't work for me.  I sure can find more ways to upset myself.

Now hearing that Serafem just didn't work for any women makes me hopeful that I was wrong to connect that failure with Prozac.

Thank you for the atta girl.  I'm starting to feel a little less abnormal.