Focusing on the Positive

[Overcomer]

Lupita wrote to me regarding my mom.  She said something like..........."why do you always include your mom in every thought, post, etc.?"  That was a total paraphrase but it got me to thinking.  I DO blame my mom for everything.  Her persona permeates my very being.  Even while I am trying so hard to escape her, SHE is always there.

You know I have been looking for a new job.  An escape from mom.  WELL, there is no escaping her if I keep bringing her along in my mom.  My critical parent is like a monkey on my back.

So.  I decided to focus on the positive.  GS started a post awhile ago along the same theme..................WHAT IS GOOD ABOUT OUR LIVES?

So here are mine.  I started doing Jazzercise.  Yesterday I went to the back of the class and watched the other people.  I was the best.  I have lost ten pounds since I started.

I am going to be a grandma.

I am nice.

[ann3]

Hi Kelly,

Yes, you are a really nice person and I bet you're fun to be with.  Congrats on becoming a GM.

But, I think that really examining why your NM is so central in your "every thought, post" may be an important thing for you to examine.  IMO, why we allow Ns to preoccupy our thinking is a key to our healing.  IMO, when we heal, the Ns won't preoccupy our thoughts and their absence won't be because we ignore them, but because we understand why we allowed them to dominate us.

So, I think we can be positive and grateful for all our blessings, but still examine why we feel dominated by the N.

[CB123]

Kelly,

I really appreciate where you are going with this thread--I think you are on your way to something very freeing.  Ann's right--just deciding to focus on the positive doesnt really get to the bottom of the dynamic that keeps you locked into blaming your mom for your life.  I think you are on the verge of a break through as you examine this.

Instead of shoving down negative thoughts--try to grab them as they go by.  If you find yourself thinking that your mom is the reason you are _____________ (fill in the blank: overweight?  unhappy? unfulfilled at work? whatever), stop yourself and ask yourself what is happening in that moment that makes you need to put her in that place. 

Do you need a reason to fail--because you are afraid that failure is inevitable?  Do you need to maintain some connection to her and this negative connection is the only one you have available?  There could be any number of reasons. 

Once you have gotten to the bottom of that, you can start tackling the truly negative part of your thinking.  There is some underlying belief that you have about yourself that is fueling the blame that you assign to your mom.  When you get to an awareness of that belief, I think you will have hit paydirt.

Love
CB

[cats paw]

Kelly,

  I agree, I think you are capable of going deeper, and as CB said, that is where you'll hit paydirt.

  Otherwise, it's like you're stuck operating in default mode.

cats paw

[Overcomer]

Wow!  You guys are nailing it I think.  I do blame her for my weight.  I think it is like Pavlov's dog.  I think of some injustice she has done to me and I run to the fridge.  Or my H too.  I guess it is time to take care of myself.  I have identified that mom is an N and I cannot change her OR my circumstances when I am around her but I can change the way I respond when I am with her.  I guess in a way I am.  I went on vacation with her and it went well.  That is a start.