Yes the eternal question. It's supposed to feel good all the time that love..I was relating to one of our board friends a while ago how I was wondering what life was all about?!
Is it about understanding everything or about accepting everything?
And if life is not about perfection then is it about purity?
I've obviously read all your replies thus far..I love all of your ideas. Bunny you're so straightforward and by the book, or should I say buy the books!
Yet very clear on your acceptance, it seems, of various forms and concepts of love.
Marriage has to withstand banal everyday stuff, family emergencies like illness/death, in-laws, family events, arguments, big decisions, etc. It's more about finding someone you can go through life with.
I like that, it makes alot of sense to me. And that's why i've chosen "C" my life partner, because the big stuff is taken care of in this relationship..we have common I guess i'd call them "soul goals". And we do plan to get married...
Why does it seem so difficult? How have our Nparents ruined our chances to trust ourselves, to find a good mate.
Now this ch really caught my eye and scraped my soul! In my case I would say yes, especially my mother. This very evening before responding to this topic I went out for a ciggy with my friend. I looked at her and said I wanted to ask her something and it was difficult for me to bring it out. She patiently waited, even turned her head aside to make it easier for me. I wanted to cry..then I recognized that this is often my own signal that the issue to be presented comes from my core.
I asked her: Monique do you find me "beau", ie: good looking..and I wanted to know this from a societal point of view..I didn't want her to tell me you have a nice personality et al. I wanted the pop version..like if you were looking at a magazine picture..good or bad.
Monique answered I shouldn't worry about a thing..I'm handsome, good looking and a turn on! she said I should look into the mirror and start believing it!
I've discussed with her how my N mother never had anything good to say about her looks. In my programming or template are all the memories of her ongoing discourse about her not being beautiful..all her negative talk I was subjected to for years on end..not to mention all her depressions and extremely low self esteem.
Rationally, i know i'm not responsible for any of it. I KNOW THAT! And it makes me so upset that at 41 years of age I still have that silent cassette playing in my head. Rooted deeply within my psyche. It angers me you can't believe...And that has affected my ability to receive love.
Mind you after half a lifetime of thinking and wondering what love is..i'm begining to authentically sense that the meaning of IT is starting to take shape..especially in my present relationship.
I believe, have always believed that there is someone out there for everybody....not someone for some time but the big SOMEONE. Put aside all the issues that we as adult children of Ns have and have had to deal with over time...that SOMEONE is there somewhere..perhaps that SOMEONE has come and gone because of death..and maybe because it was a one time deal..but i'm sure we all know when the SOMEONE hits..
So i'm french and a romantic!
but love without depth is nothing. Love without intimacy is empty, love without vulnerability is futile. There is no such thing as love for fun in my books.
I think it's a mutual agreement to certain conditions so that a relationship will be sustained over time.
Certainly Bunny..that doesn't sound dry at all. And why wouldn't one want his/her relationship to be sustained over time? Especially if it's good and especially if the feeling that the SOMEBODY is there...I suspect it's only human to want things easy but nothing worth preserving isn't without some kind of struggle. In our own private N hells have we not struggled and fought to preserve and sustain ourselves over time? 
I also suspect that the more dysfunctional we've been brought up, the more we are prone to sabotage what is truly good for us. And i've consciously and unconsciously done plenty of that. "C" visualized me as part of his dream..isn't that a love-ly thing to say to someone I hate myself everytime I allow myself to think he might not mean it..that's what I mean by sabotaging my own "happiness"..because in N homes truly nothing lasts forever..not the joy nor the peace..unkept promises and unfulfillable dreams are what goes on in that type of environment.
So maybe love is a package deal..comprised of tons of stuff the good, the bad and the ugly wrapped in the comfy safe and secure knowledge that it can exist if it is well taken care of.
I've seen intellectually disabled couples together. Have you? They have less than half our analysing and thinking capacity. I've seen them snuggle and smile and take care of each other over time. That is what keeps me believing in my theory that there's SOMEONE out there for everyone. It's also a reminder that too much thinking can get in the way of what's coming my/your way. 
'nuff said,
love to all,
Nic 
