confused

[Lorrie Fox]

Hi, I've been with the same guy over 8 years.  He proposed nearly 6 years ago.  In the past three years I've been feeling lost emotionally since our home was nearly repod  in 2001- we sold it finally.  But still I felt it was taken and not my choice, I felt forced to sell.  I had been working for nearly 5 years in the same field and he had lost his job 9 months after we moved in; I had also had an abortion four months after we moved in.  I grew up an only child and unsocialized as I got sick easy, so I was coddled.  When I was 11 I got a pony and my Dad gave my bike away... then our house burned the next spring.  Now, yesterday I went to town and was late coming home and had set my engagement ring down because it had been sliding off my finger.  My fiance' took this as an "I don't want you anymore" or something and has been difficult.  We have our moments when we can really discuss things, but he usually comes out 'on top'.  Meaning his suggestions rule the outcome, or he gets angry.  In the past I have noted this as his controlling behaviour, and to be honest, it has pushed me away emotionally.  I have my own problems to deal with right now as I am unemployed and searching frantically before one more thing I've worked for goes away without my consent.  Every time he contradicts something I say, I pull more inward, and feel like I'm creating a self that he can connect with.  I have been fortunate this year as I got to have a horse camp here - teaching children to ride is very rewarding for me.  And this camp boosted my self confidence thru the roof.  I speak my mind more now than ever.  He once told his sister which told me that he never wanted me to "outgrow him"... he has been afraid of my growth!  AAAGgghh!  I'm afraid that our head butting ways of communication are going to get the best of me as I am getting weary.  He says the obligatory "I love you" and does the best he can, but says everything he does is for me.  Please no, he has a child by a previous marriage to support.  We go thru this guilt and pain all the time and no one hears me.  Two years ago I pushed him away so hard I shut the door on my heart.  I don't want to cheat on him, I want to leave him.  Every time we have a discussion I am sick to my stomach as stress gives me IBS.
PLEASE HELP!  

[bunny]

It sounds like your fiance is getting the vibe that you're miserable and considering ending the relationship. That's why he made a big deal about the ring.

If you want to leave this relationship, I suggest you read an article on this site which gives useful tips on leaving a controlling partner:

http://www.drjoecarver.com/

The article is called "Identifying Losers in Relationships."

bunny

[BlueTopaz]

Two years ago I pushed him away so hard I shut the door on my heart. I don't want to cheat on him, I want to leave him. PLEASE HELP!  

Hi Lorrie,

I'm sorry for the distress you are feeling.  I dated an man with narcissistic traits for 4+ years, and it can't help but affect a person physically, emotionally, spiritually....  

What exactly is it that you are confused about (your post heading)?

How to leave, because your sure you want to?  If you really want to leave?  How to know when it is time to leave versus to keep trying in a relationship?   What you could try to make things better between both of you?

BT