For Hopalong or anybody who would like to share.

[Lupita]

OK dear Hop, I am going to do the same. I am going to screw up knowingly. The guy I met on Friday night, and I erased his phone from my cell, so I did not call him, he called me. He said that I am a lovely lady, and bla bla bla bla bla.

So, I tried, I erased his phone, and he called me. He invited me to go over to his place for a visit of a couple of days and I said, I would love to do that but I had to know him better before. See? I did not say I would not do that, because I was a decent woman, lol, I said I had some pre-requisites.

I know Hop, in a few weeks I will be boo boo crying because he is not ready, and we know that. It is the same feeling that you never give up on your mother and never give up on finding a man who loves us, that is human, God made us that way, so, if he made us that way, why in the world he does not provide what we need?

My mom said he was not coming, I said that I accpeted her desicion amd suddenly she said that she is going to try to come but she is not sure. BS. She si sying to come. ON the other hand I know that she is very hard working, she works 12 hours a day nd makes a huge sacrifice to come  and I owe it to her, that I could provide for a little relax for her even if it is at the cost of my peace, because everytime she comes she puts my life upside down. But, I will practice my skills if she comes, because I will not let her put my life upside down.

LOL, you know and everybody knows and I know that my mothers will alwyas affect me and my heart and my emotions and this game of I will not let a man hurt me, I will detach from the results it is BS too. We are human and God made us that way, to need somebody to protect us and to love us, that is the way God created men and women.

But technology has nade it more difficult for us. I guess.

[Lupita]

Now I feel guilty for complaining, because God has been wonderful with me. I had a new job that will start on the eleven of August, and I had a wonderful place that is like a paradise, and I should not complain for not having a partner to love to and to love me.

I have to concentrate in improving my life, mi skills, my emotional skills, to not screw up my ne job, to have my apartment clean and spotless.

Forget about men.

Thank you Lord for everything you have given me which is a lot and wonerful.

Thank you Lord.

[Ami]

You are sweet,Lupita.                     Ami

[Ami]

I think I finally have to love myself after all this terrible time of wandering in the desert. I am tired, beaten up. I want love and have love. I adore the person,but I don't love myself enough,usually. It is a fatal flaw b/c to love him well, I HAVE to love myself.To live ANY quality of life,I have to love myself.
 It would be  easier for us, as children of N's ,if this were not true. It is SO hard to love ourselves when we have been given messages of pure destruction. I think I can love myself, now,though.
 It feels good to think I CAN honor  and love myself .               Ami

[Certain Hope]

Lupita,

What you've said here applies to me, too... even though I'm married.

I need to "forget about men" and just be thankful to God for what I have and for the opportunities He's given me.
When my husband disappoints me, I need to forgive him and resist temptation to look to other men or things that might seem to be able to make me happier.

So, for me, forgetting about men means that I don't look to my husband to meet all of my needs for fulfillment, emotionally and otherwise.
That takes the pressure off him and will keep me occupied with allowing God to make me a better person, instead of trying to fill the gaps through other people.

Thanks!

Love,
Carolyn

[Lupita]

CH, that was a very wise post. Thank you.

Ami, I agree. We cannot have a good relationship with anybody unless we have a good relationship with ourselves. We cannot have a good relationship with our selves if we do not love ourselves.

If we think we miss something, if we think we need what we do not have, we do not love ourselsves. Come back againt to the vacius cyrcle.

[debkor]

Hi Hops,

One thing I found out in my life after exh is I didn't really need a man to make me happy... I stayed single and not dating for a long time...and not because I got burnt.. because I wanted to...

Eventually I dated and one I had very strong feelings for (not much different then you and your gardner) I wanted more then he had to offer... he gave his all which was not enough for me...he would not commit...at first that was alright but then not enough for me... He was a wonderfull person (no N) just didn't want a commitment....and I knew this from the beginning... so I had to back out...

There was a void in my heart and I was not going to settle for something I had for something I wanted (which was committment)..

[debkor]

Sorry Hops, hit something again before I finished....

Anyway, It is not me..... I want commitment... I want love.. I want to wake up with someone.. hear them snore...wake up to thunder storms...christmas morning....and on, and on....

This was something I would never have if I stayed... and would be unhappy...

I think for you to hops... maybe?

You can meet someone who feels the same and wants the same as you....He is a good guy.. just not available.. for what you want... don't sell yourself short...

Love
Deb

[Hopalong]

Lupita, I am so glad you're accepting some nice attention!
YOU DESERVE IT.
And he's right, you are a lovely lady.

It's okay to have chemistry. Heck, you're beautiful and he likes you.
What I used to do wrong over and over and over was write monologues in my head that were about magic, not reality. And loooooong before I got to know them.

You know I'm no sage about men but I WOULD say (I can hear CB laughing) that immediately grabbing a copy of A Fine Romance by Judith Sills, PhD...will simply save your sanity. Also, Men Who Can't Love by Stephen Carter is a wonderful book for self-protection, for women with boundary issues. It's very very specific about behaviors that will warn you who's safe and who's not. All during the dating process, a kind of step by step protection for your emotions.

What does feel different with the gardener is that we were friends first. I liked him and knew him that way (a bit) before one day I said to myself Oh. I will ask him for THAT, too. And released the outcome and 90% of the time except this wknd when I was still being nervous-breakdowy (I'm very fond of the term because even though the real craziness only lasted a couple hours, I've never been able to use it officially before. It was my nervous breakdown and I'm proud of it.) Call me crazy. No, don't...

And Deb...I hear that. Commitment. I think I'm not ready for The Big Commitment either, or at least not yet...it's time for me to see how I do with the ebb and flow of things (as long as he's good to me and honest, which he is). I am a woman who doesn't ebb and flow, or hasn't much. I clutch and shriek or panic and run. I sort of wonder if maybe gardener, with his steady hugging, isn't giving me some space in which to try on feeling safe...even though he has to go sleep in his own bed. How funny we are, we humans...

xxoo
Hops

[lighter]

Lupita.....

Eeeeeeaaaaaassssyyyy.

Take it easy on yourself.

You sounded so chastizing.....

and I don't see it as complaining.

Simply commenting on your thoughts and goals is human.

I'm so looking forward to reading about your new life and lots of people find respectful nurturing relationships.

Maybe you will too.

B O U N D A R I E S will protect you.

Don't put up walls in their place.

Lighter

[Lupita]

Thank you all for your kind responses. I hear you all. If I act needy I am going to be abused. I saw my councellor today. She is getting irritated becasue it is being hard for me to get out of the victimhood role. I am soused to being abused.

Acting needy scares good people and attract pathological ones.

So, I have to get out of the victim role, grow up, be an adult. So hard!