As I continue to try to face what is, NOT what I wish was, my past is opening up to me. I never wanted to see one particular thing,most of all. That was that my M bullied me ,on purpose. It is so "nice" to think that people cannot help what they do b/c they have emotional issues, etc.
I think I knew, down deep, that my M bullied me b/c she could. I was weak and vulnerable( a child) and she could throw her anger on me b/c I had no one to stand up for me.She knew it was wrong. She never did it in front of other people, relatives etc.I had a large extended family
My Aunt told me she never knew. Part of my M's hate was a violent jealousy toward her sister, my Aunt, whom I always talk about. A shrink told me that my M got back at her sister through me, which my M said was true.
This was the deep thiing I did not want to face, above all else, the choice, the wilfullness of it.She let her primal feelings, rage , hate ,jealously explode on me b/c I could not do anything about it.
As I face this, I have more empathy for myself. My FOO pattern was I had to make my M feel good ,at all costs. I had to reassure her that she was a good mother. *I* had to look good,in every way, for her. I did it up until recently. I wanted to look good for her so she would not have to face the type of mother she was. I never called my F on the fact that he was a wimp b/c I did not want him to have to face the truth about himself.
I was the sponge, no needs.
I think that mental illness categories ,sometimes, let the person off the hook. Conscience is one thing and mental illness is another. Killers kill in secret. So, they KNOW they are wrong. Then,people say that they could not help it.
I always gave my M an excuse.
She knows right from wrong, so where is the excuse?
I appreciate a place where I can express my pain and my feelings. Thank you to anyone who responds. I appreciate it. Ami
