Destructive Cycles

[darren]

So, I've think I've mentioned it quite a lot here.  My ex may have been borderline, maybe part N, maybe even a sociopath.  I'm not a doctor and all, but it sure looked and felt like it most of the time.  I did my best to be unconditionally loving to someone who more often than not thought I was the enemy.  In return for putting up with the abuse she convinced everybody I was the worst boyfriend ever.  And they bought it.  They blamed me, for her bad behaviors.  When she cheated on me, they helped and encouraged it, because its perfectly okay to cheat on an abusive boyfriend.  They didn't believe me about what happened, about her issues, her seeming lack of a conscience... it was because I didn't love her enough.  Thats why it went wrong.

So its been about three years, and she had the new guy convinced of it all too.  To explain her quirks, she sometimes convinced them she had aspergers.  They believed it.  "She's doing so much better now that she's not with the old abusive boyfriend who cut off her lines of support."  They had a baby, and they got engaged.... and everyone was supporting them.  But I knew the truth... I wasn't wrong... and I knew what was going to happen.  And I guess this past week, they've all discovered the truth too.  You can only hide things like that for so long.  He had to call the cops, and now she's in a mental hospital.... dragged kicking and screaming and restrained. 

I'm not surprised... or at least I shouldn't be. 

[Ami]

Sorry, Darren.
 I feel like you still care, a great deal , for her. I am so sorry for you, her and the baby. It is so, so sad.       Love to you, Darren,   Ami

[Izzy_*now*]

Hi Darren

How awful to be right about her, have all the others against you, just to find out years later that she is "nutso"  and.....

.... have you talked with any of the old gang to have them say they were wrong????

That hurts, if they don't.

I find that sometimes in life there is no fairness from people who have stood very strongly for a wrong issue, not knowing that they were wrong all along!

Have there been any contracts/apologies?

[darren]

Sorry, Darren.
 I feel like you still care, a great deal , for her. I am so sorry for you, her and the baby. It is so, so sad.       Love to you, Darren,   Ami

Thanks for your support, Ami =)

[darren]

Hi Darren

How awful to be right about her, have all the others against you, just to find out years later that she is "nutso"  and.....

.... have you talked with any of the old gang to have them say they were wrong????

That hurts, if they don't.

I find that sometimes in life there is no fairness from people who have stood very strongly for a wrong issue, not knowing that they were wrong all along!

Have there been any contracts/apologies?

Thanks for your input, Izzy.  I don't really talk to these people anymore, not that I ever did really.  I did the whole NO CONTACT thing and tried my best to remove the whole drama from my life.  It does hurt that people believed those things, which is weird, because I was able to get over the trauma of the bad things my ex did. 

I considered contacting them yesterday to see if they'd let me know what was going on, but never did.  They've never apologized or admitted any wrong doing, and I'm not sure if they aware that they were wrong.  They were intentionally misled, and I don't know if they can connect the future events to the past one.  They sort of have a "we're her friends first" philosophy.  They do seem to be more supportive of the new bf, so maybe they recognize she is often out of line.  They might be helping him get lawyers and restraining orders and what not and not helping to enable her like they did in the past. 

[Gaining Strength]

I think you are smart to lay low.  I went through something similar but it was with my father.  My father went screaming and yelling to the hospital but it wasn't because my brothers or I arranged it, it was because he was delusional with a very high temperature out in public and the police were called and then his former internist happened by and called my brother.  The next day we filed commitment papers because this was the third time he had been hospitalized for physical reasons and the first two times he walked out AMA.  This time after his physical problems were stabilzed he was tranfered to the psych ward and when he and his slimeball drug dealer of a lawyer bought off the probate judge and he got released for ONE DAY until he assaulted a nurse in the retirement community his 1st night and was returned to a different psych ward the next day.

My point is that my father told family and friends that WE did this to him.  Never mind that the POLICE sent him.  We are still held in some people's mind as rotten children after their father's money.  And way too many people believe him. 

So I suspect that even though it is obvious by now that she is way off the deep end she could convince or lthers could convince themselves that she wouldn't have been if it hadn't been for that former abusive boyfriend. 

With these people you just can't win - no way.  You always lose.

BUT, you can take self-gratification, self-knowledge, and self-comfort that there is living proof that you unfortunately got involved with a terribly ill woman and her insanity had NOTHING  to do with you.

[darren]

I think you are smart to lay low.  I went through something similar but it was with my father.  My father went screaming and yelling to the hospital but it wasn't because my brothers or I arranged it, it was because he was delusional with a very high temperature out in public and the police were called and then his former internist happened by and called my brother.  The next day we filed commitment papers because this was the third time he had been hospitalized for physical reasons and the first two times he walked out AMA.  This time after his physical problems were stabilzed he was tranfered to the psych ward and when he and his slimeball drug dealer of a lawyer bought off the probate judge and he got released for ONE DAY until he assaulted a nurse in the retirement community his 1st night and was returned to a different psych ward the next day.

My point is that my father told family and friends that WE did this to him.  Never mind that the POLICE sent him.  We are still held in some people's mind as rotten children after their father's money.  And way too many people believe him. 

So I suspect that even though it is obvious by now that she is way off the deep end she could convince or lthers could convince themselves that she wouldn't have been if it hadn't been for that former abusive boyfriend. 

With these people you just can't win - no way.  You always lose.

BUT, you can take self-gratification, self-knowledge, and self-comfort that there is living proof that you unfortunately got involved with a terribly ill woman and her insanity had NOTHING  to do with you.

You are right, SS... thanks for the validation.  I do know without a shadow of a doubt that I did what I could and that there was nothing I could do.  It was a no-win situation.  Anyways, I've heard more rumors.  She was taken in involuntarily, CPS has gotten involved, and her bf is working on getting custody and protective orders.  It must have been serious, because there's an order keeping her away from the baby.  I've been there, and I'm sure its a very tough time for everybody involved, but it sounds like good news.  The baby hadn't seen a doctor since she was born, and the baby might get a normal name after all... I always had the thought in my head that its so tough for the partners, it must be hell on a child's developing mind. 

[Gaining Strength]

Hell onthe child now and for the rest of that child's life.  I have a son whose father died when our son was 7 months old, now at age 7 it is just killing him.  His father is not insane or mentally ill - just gone.  My father was mentally ill though not diagnosed until last year (but it didn't just start) and that has been horrendously difficult all my life. 

But what is pertinent here is that YOU are free and your understanding has been completely validated.  And for that I hope you are rejoicing.

[nogadge]

hey Darren,
have you forgiven yourself, and started to show yourself the kindness/understanding/compassion that you graced upon you former so?  I sense the deepness and hurt in your words.  I spent nearly 30 years before I started to let myself not carry all the blame and guilt for things.  I finally am figuring out that it didn't matter how much or how little I defended myself, people are going to think and do whatever they want,and the harder I tried, the worse it got.  I just made myself look like the crazy one, and was proving him to be right. 
Take stock in what comes from inside.  Nogadge

[Leah]

Hi Darren,

My truly reaches out to you with regard to your harrowing experience, crazymaking and all.


Leah x

[darren]

This psychodrama just seems to never end.  This girl, who turned on me, has turned on her ex.  She's making wild accusations, which are really nothing more than a projection of her most undesirable traits.  CPS issues a protective order to keep her from the baby, and has gotten heavily involved at this point.  He refused to give up custody to her, for the obvious reasons of her instability.  She did the same though and since an agreement couldn't be reached CPS has taken the baby into foster care while an investigation ensues.  I recognize the girl has mental problems, but I'm still amazed at the amount a viscousness she puts forth. 

To further complicate things, I've been contacted by those people who turned on me in the past.  I got some apologies for those things that have been bothering me for quite some time, but its not so easy to forgive... there was a lot of damage and trauma going on that they just aren't aware of.  And somehow I wonder if apologies would have come at all if they weren't in desperate need of statements on her mental stability... the very statements I got chastised for making in the past. 

I'd have liked to walk away and put all this crazy behind me. The small amount that I'm involved seems to be triggering me in a big way.  I've even sent words of support and suggested routes of recovery and support forums.  But I really wonder what my motivation is at all?  Do I care to do the right thing?  Or is it more like revenge, to put a stop to her bad behavior?  Maybe I just want validation?  I wonder if what I'm doing is noble at all.  So far all they want is a letter just in case... I hope thats as far as it goes.  The idea of facing this girl in a courtroom sounds like a very complicated thing.  Perhaps my desire to avoid that is greater than my desire to help. 

[Certain Hope]

Hi Darren,

I am so sorry that you're still in the midst of this. The way you've described your questioning of your own motivation really strikes me... it sounds so frustrating and exhausting. I mean... it's good work and necessary, for healing... just please give yourself a break and remember not to overcharge your heart.
This thing will run its course and you will still be standing.
Take good care.

Carolyn

[sKePTiKal]

I can completely understand your desire to simply walk away from this situation and all the retraumatization that you must be enduring. But I wonder if you can't find it in yourself to find a way to make some good come from it...

... by supporting the needs of the innocent child. As innocent as you were in your doomed relationship with this person.

Help support the case that she remain in treatment - get the help she needs and help the father to regain custody of his child.

It might help you purify & release the last of your issues about the situation, too.

Just a suggestion, Darren... I couldn't know if something like this would be too high a price for you.

[LilyCat]

Hi Darren,

What a bad situation. I'm sorry, sorry you've had to go through this.

I've read experiences of other people involved with Ns, and this is so typical -- people think the actual victim is to blame and the N is the greatest person on earth. Then, most of the time, eventually "murder will out", as my mother (and Shakespeare) used to say, and they find out who the real abuser is.

I don't think it has to be an N or even a person with strong personality disorder traits of any kind -- I think eventually, people show their true colors.

It sounds like your heart is tugging at you -- but you do not owe any of these people anything. You do not owe your ex anything; you do not owe her latest ex anything; you don't owe her friends anything; and, although this may seem cruel, you don't owe that child anything. The child thing is their battle, not yours.

That may all sound very harsh -- and so may this -- but I really think the best thing for you is to put them in the past and move on with your life. If they need to, they'll subpoena you as a witness and then you can go. But your real job is to focus on you, your life, your healing, your building a new life.

I know this is a tougher "take" than others have said, but ... I'm pretty sure it's what my therapist would tell you. (Based on lots of experience with me and my fellow group members.)

But I hear the hurt, and your desire to reach out and help is very commendable and wonderful.

Best,

LC

[darren]

Thanks for the input and different viewpoints... I'll certainly add them all to my thoughts.  I think I've done all I can for now and will bow out.  This girls going to be causing trouble the rest of her life and I really don't feel like rescuing her victims the rest of mine.  Its in the hands of CPS now... they know where to find me if they need me.  I know five years of her drove me absolutely batty, so I think the thing that draws me to it is the thought of a child being raised in an enviroment that so distorted and crazy. 

I'm already getting distant from the whole situation and remembering how better off I was when I removed myself from the crazy making.  I think that whatever process was going on has pretty much resolved itself.  It brought back some bad memories, but it also helped validate that what she is has absolutely nothing to do with me.