I left him

[Guest3]

New to the site and thought I'd share my story: After two years of ferverishly searching for a fragment of attention or affection, and realizing my needs were never going to be met, I packed up my things and left two months ago.
In the beginning he was charming and kind. Attentive and humorous. He won my heart quickly, said he loved me within the first two months and promised a lifetime of love and perfection. He consistently talked about marriage and a future together, etc. but nothing every came to fruition. It was all just to get me to move in with him and that was when the attention ceased. He started spending less and less time with me which would cause me to question why he didn't want to spend time with me and my stating that I needed him to be a part of the relationship which ALWAYS resulted in a raging defense. I've never met anybody so defensive. It wouldn't matter how kindly I asked for some attention, he would violently defend himself and I'd end up in tears. It was always somehow my fault.
I should have known something was wrong when his marriage only lasted 6 weeks, the relationship prior to that only 3 months and several of his friends no longer had anything to do with him whatsoever. When I asked him why he never thanked me for all the things I did for him and his daughter, he blankly looked me in the eye and said "Because we don't need you. We don't need you to do those things for us".
When I asked where I fit into his life and where I sat on his list of priorities, he said "It is all about me. I am the priority here. Me, my daughter, my school and my career". I asked again where do I fit on that list. He said "Don't you get it?" and walked away.
My simple questions about the lack of time he spent with me or his inability to ask me how my job was or come to watch me compete were met with a raging defense that ocassionally escalated into a violent defense.
In the beginning he would apologize and promise to change and tell me his life meant less without me - all the right things to suck me back in. When I left he argued at first, but after that he did not care one iota. After spending some time reading other stories on this forum and recognizing so many of the behaviours, I realized he had a problem. Before discovering this, I used to joke about his narcissistic personality, but didn't know it was actually a diagnosis.
When I look back, he never really shared stories of his past, had any favourite things, he was never alone - if his daughter wasn't around, he was out with friends or in the bar. Later it was at school or at work or on the ballfield. Anywhere but alone with himself.
What hurts the most right now is knowing that those 2 years I wasted on him and his daughter were truly wasted because he never really cared. He actually said the other day (in one of his "Did you call me?" so he could talk tactics) that he thinks he might never have loved me. I was always wondering what was wrong with me that he didn't show me affection anymore, never showed any interest in me or my friends or my personal life. The only time he paid attention or spent time with me was if it worked in his favour. After months of tears and having my self-esteem and confidence eroded, I packed my things and said goodbye. It wasn't that hard at the time because he didn't fight it at all, but it hurts now that I was so blind and didn't leave him sooner. I kept thinking he would change but I know now he never will. He already has another girlfriend - which doesn't surprise me in the least - and perhaps I'll feel better when she walks out on him too, if she's smart enough.
I'm trying to build my confidence back up, remind myself it's not my fault and get on with my life in a positive and compassionate manner. When I look back, I saw some of the warning signs early in the relationship but didn't register them. This makes me feel better about knowing I hopefully won't fall for another N if I can see the signs before it's too late. You shouldn't have to end up in a physical battle with someone when you ask them to spend one simple hour of their week showing some interest in you and your life. That's no partnership.

[Onyx]

It may have cost you two years, but think of the many more you've saved yourself from! Better is was just the two rather than the 22! So treat yourself to a pat on you back, as you've got new bridges to cross and fields to roam now!

It's very much in the nature of things these days to have more than one serious relationship in our lives. Was a time when that wasn't the case, good or bad, you were stuck! Now we all have choice......and who ever said you had to get it right first time anyway! I know this god geezer had the notion that woman should be seen, not heard! But only the Muslim world still have that kind of attitude these days!

From what you wrote, it very much sounds as if you were not compatible! As a result, it also sounds that you were a tad needy whilst he was very aloof! He was probably using you...maybe as a stand-in mother for his child or whatever reason. He also seems very cold and uninterested in even your basic needs! Truth is, the right outcome has probably been achieved and you really mustn't beat yourself up over things that were not your fault!

NPD is very defined and specific. It maybe that he is quite Narcissistic......but it doesn't mean that he suffered from Narcissistic Personality Disorder. From talking more about you experiences, reading and listening to others on sites like this, you might be able to know with more confidence if he is one. In any event, you're well out of what was clearly a not so good situation for you. You've done the right thing for you. Please don't beat yourself up over it

David

[Nic]

New to the site and thought I'd share my story:

Welcome Guest 3!   I hope this site will be a place of comfort for you and information gathering..a place to heal and understand.

He consistently talked about marriage and a future together, etc. but nothing every came to fruition.

I'm sorry you had to experience this.     Ns need to take more than they need to give..his degree of Nism seems to be quite high!  But remember, Ns are more unhappy at their core than you/we will ever be.  They are frauds but are too fragile at their centre to even conceive of this, which means they become very "ragedly on the defensive". Unfortunately, if you don't play their game, they'll let you know where you stand before you get a word in..as evidenced by your comment:

he blankly looked me in the eye and said "Because we don't need you. We don't need you to do those things for us".

and there you have guest 3!  Although I know you're hurting..this is classic N, designed, not so much to hurt you but to protect the fragile N core..bravo if you can disconnect and not take it personally..although this doesn't mean for you to disqualify your own pain.

It is all about me. I am the priority here. Me, my daughter, my school and my career". I asked again where do I fit on that list. He said "Don't you get it?" and walked away.

Well, there you have it!  The whole enchilada..I know it's sad and don't mean to make light of this, however..this is a classic N thing.  It's all about them and the extensions of themselves which we call N supply..you don't know how lucky you are to have saved yourself!  Lucky?  Heck, SMART is what you are guest 3!   * pom pom time*

In the beginning he would apologize and promise to change and tell me his life meant less without me - all the right things to suck me back in.

* waving pom poms maddly*  See how intelligent and discerning you are! You sound like a very self-aware person!  Good for you!

Before discovering this, I used to joke about his narcissistic personality, but didn't know it was actually a diagnosis.

  OOPS! truth hurts doesn't it!  But sounds like you did all the right things and now you'll forever be on the lookout to avoid other fly by night Ns huh!

 he thinks he might never have loved me.

Sadly, Guest 3...his and other Ns problem is that they can't love anybody except themselves...alarmingly they have zero insight into this and probably never will.  It hurts to be told that someone never loved you especially after being told you were loved...but then he was speaking more to lash out ..out of a sense of shame and frustration at himself..looking into the mirror..that's what they do.

I'm trying to build my confidence back up, remind myself it's not my fault and get on with my life in a positive and compassionate manner. When I look back, I saw some of the warning signs early in the relationship but didn't register them. This makes me feel better about knowing I hopefully won't fall for another N if I can see the signs before it's too late. You shouldn't have to end up in a physical battle with someone when you ask them to spend one simple hour of their week showing some interest in you and your life. That's no partnership.

I couldn't have said it better myself!!!   you're so right..I needed to read that again and I'm sure tons of others here will profit from the reminder. You are  

Kindest regards and EMPATHY!! and again welcome,
Nic

[Anonymous]

Thank goodness you left this horrible man.  

The two years weren't wasted because you learned about yourself and what you are worth.

bunny

[gardener]

It sounds as if you've been given an innocculation against the 'N infection' . A small dose that could give you a lifetime protection if you keep hold of the lessons you've learnt.

Watch out for the 'red flags' next time....best wishes.

[BlueTopaz]

Hi Guest3,

I used to frequent a forum that was for current partners/X-partners of those with narcissistic traits, or full blown NPD, and your experiences reflect the mass descriptions of things said & done by the other, in the relationship.

 "It is all about me. I am the priority here. Me, my daughter, my school and my career". I asked again where do I fit on that list. He said "Don't you get it?" and walked away.

On the other board there was a discussion about how N people will
come out and say the blunt truth.  

I remember that I was complimenting my X-partner once, and he said "I'm really a very mean person under it all".  I didn't know how to take it as it didn't fit with the situation, so I laughed uneasy and just thought it was an odd joke.   Unfortunately not, he was telling me the blunt truth.   His Nism made him very mean and hurtful (while playing dumb and projecting when called on it) in an emotionally manipulative way.

Your partner's comments reminded me of that. Sometimes one can be so shocked and not know how to react, so we might ignore it or rationalize it.  I did.  

One thing I've learned out of my former relationship with X-N, is that when someone tells me something about themselves outright like that, I will believe it right away.

Just like you, I saw warnings signs very early too (a couple of weeks after dating), and I stayed in  for 4+ years!   I'm really very glad you are out now.  

Wishing you the very best in healing, and moving forward...

BT

[Onyx]

Bluetopaz

Bang on, I found exactly the same thing! Unbelievably things would just fall out of her mouth at the strangest of times! Not for one moment would she even get a whiff of what she meant by what she'd said! Truthful......oh and then some!

David

[Guest3]

Thanks so much for all your support. I've had relationships end before that were painful for obvious reasons, but this one seems to hurt tenfold due to the fact that it seems like I wasted 2 years of my life. I genuinely invested in the betterment of his and his daughter's lives and the joke was on me. I know that time will eventually take the sting away, but it feels unbelievably painful right now. I had a feeling in my gut right from the beginning that something wasn't right and I kept ignoring it (while he assisted in the beginning of quashing it with all his attention and affection). I know now to go with your gut - not necessarily your heart. I appreciate everyone's thoughts.

[switzerland]

Guest3,

YES!! GO with the gut instincts, always always!! Do not betray your soul.  It really does KNOW. These are the lessons that cost you 2 years.  Its ok, we have all been through it and we are better people for having gone through the painful experience.  There is light at the end of the tunnel.  Welcome here and Congratulations for getting out of the relationship.

Switzerland