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renee:
Just six months ago I learned that my husband of 21 years, the father of my four children, has been having serial affairs for many years.  The resulting therapy process has revealed that he is a classic N.  I am looking for advise on how to proceed in dealing with him, as all of the divorce books don't tell you how to seperate from a partner with a personality disorder!

He works (and therefor really lives) out of the country and is quite succesfull at his job and financially.  He is involved with an other woman (beautiful and successful) but claims that he will contiune to support the children and me.  I am just learning about this disorder and it has me spinning.

flower:
Hi Renee,

Are you the Renee that posted on "What bait does your N use?" and others. If so, I feel for you -  having an N mother and then finding out about an unfaithful husband!  :shock:

Hopefully your ex will be away most of the time from you and your children. Just how narcissistic he is could make a huge difference in what you do. How much control and contact he wants with your children could be a factor you probably have already considered. There are so many factors to be considered.

Since I only have experience with a N mother I can't really help much  here. But I hear your voice and hope the best for you.

Anonymous:
I just found an interesting site:

http://www.eddylaw.com/vol2_no1_art4.htm

"How personality disorders drive family court litigation"

It may be a good starting point. There is material about divorcing nearly anyone. You just have to search for it.

And get an excellent attorney!

bunny

Anonymous:
Hi Renee,

How painful this must be for you.  Not only does it depend on the PD but also on how prominent your husband may be in the community.  Locally, there was a rather public case of a battered wife who lived in the most exclusive of neighborhoods.  She had just filed a restraining order which didn't work and he still enjoyed the privileges of high society.  He broke her face. He went "on leave" at the corporation his family founded.  It is awful to watch how often money can circumvent the justice system and protections that are supposed to help.

Anyway, go to www.bpdcentral.com.  They have a new book out called Divorcing the Borderline Spouse.  You may also be able to find it on amazon.com.  Although your H may not be borderline, these kinds of folks are the most difficult to deal with and may prepare you for the worst.  Good luck to you, Seeker

Anonymous:
Bunny is right - get a GOOD lawyer who specializes in family law. I've been through a divorce with an N and I have a few tips. I'm not suggesting that you do anything dishonest or illegal but start collecting any financial or legal documents to which you have access and keep them in a safe place (where H can't get at them).  Depending on your situation you may want to get a Post Office Box for your mail - if I hadn't done this my ex would have taken my mail.  Get your own cell phone with voice mail that the H can't access.  Don't forget to guard your computer. Your husband is nice right now because he  has his new honey but that can change very quickly so it's best to get things done while he is cooperative (or not paying attention).  

I was very passive and easily manipulated during our marriage so when he announced he wanted a divorce he expected me to just go along with whatever he wanted.  By the time he realized I was not going to go along with his insulting settlement, I had already seen the best lawyer in town, he had no access to my mail or voice mail and I had copies of all our important papers safely stored away from the house.  He did pull some pretty sleazy stuff but his ability to cause damage was limited because for once in my life I decided to be proactive.

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