Oh, SoSmall, you bring tears to my eyes -- for you, not for me.
I do know exactly what you're talking about -- it does sound like we had almost identical childhoods -- except that my father never woke me up.
That is so awful about him waking you because your feet were sticking out from the covers (which happens to be the way I like to sleep! Feet hanging off the mattress slightly.) Do you understand that you were just a small, vulnerable child and how wrong that was of him? And he knew it. He may not have acknowledged it consciously, but down in there somewhere, he knew what he was doing was wrong. He had an obvious need for power and to dominate. I am so sorry for what you went through; and I know the pain of having a mother who either tacitly colluded with him. My mother used to say "don't upset your father" and through her submissiveness gave me a very poor example of how to deal with men and family and life. (Yet, she was really a tiger underneath. She did a lot of bad stuff to me, while looking innocent on the outside.)
You know, it's funny: I completely thought I had forgiven my father. After my mother died we became quite close. I really enjoyed his company and, although he was highly regimented and somewhat difficult in that way, I loved going to see him once a month (he lived several hours away) and had many good times with him during those years. I finally had the father I'd never had.
It helped enormously, but he died last October. Lately (this month) as I've been struggling so hard with the abuse of my pastor, I've felt the old, enormous anger at my dad coming back up. I think it was just a 10-year truce. I have been very puzzled as to why I haven't grieved for him, practically at all. I think this is why. I think 40 years of monsterdom outdoes 10 years of goodness. Hate to say it, but I think it's true.
Many of my friends here have talked to me about getting in touch with my inner child, which I'm trying to do. They recommended putting pictures of myself as a child around the house as a way to start. I found quite a few at my dad's place, so I brought them back with me. I commented just this week in group that what I saw was this very quiet, very serious little girl. She never looked happy in any of them.
In fact, I saw a baby picture for the very first time, and I don't look good in it. I think perhaps even by the time the photo was taken (not sure how old, maybe 6 months?) I already wasn't getting needs met and knew it.
Anyway, when I described this to my therapist, he said it was probably as he'd always thought, that even by the time I was 4 or 5, I learned that I had to keep my mouth shut. So I'm sure the same is true for you.
I'm trying to think of what I did that helped me learn to speak up, although I'm not there 100%. It seems to me that I was doing much better 10 years ago. Ironically, I've always thought that the last time I was really good at speaking up -- really on a role -- was when I went in to meet with this same pastor 10 years ago, during his first year. I let him have it (in a very honest but not critical way) for not calling when my brother and mother died. He said he didn't think it was the responsibility of a senior pastor to do it (he was our only pastor at the time). Boy, I wish I'd gotten the clue then!!
SoSmall, the very best thing I did for myself, in my whole life, was to go into group therapy. I have a therapist who really understood the issue about speaking and speaking up. He has been wonderful. Sometimes I get very embarrassed about having been in group for 20 years (yes, my anniversary is coming up soon) -- but it is the only, only place where I think I could have learned to open my mouth. The people who were in it when I first joined were very vocal. They all wanted their "time" and they all could talk; there were also more of us then. It was difficult to learn to join in. I think I wrote that my therapist told me to just open my mouth, I didn't even have to make a sound, and he would know that I wanted to say something. And that's what we did. It took enormous encouragement and intervention (in the group) from him to get me going. I really didn't talk for the first 4-5 years I was in there. Now you can't shut me up. (I do try. We happen to have less vocal people now. Very different. I miss the old days.)
So, that would be the thing I would really, really recommend. It's hard to find good groups, and a good group therapist, but see if you can find something. It will change your life.
I understand, too, about the criticism and sensitivity to it and feeling responsible for everything. SoSmall, it sounds to me that you, like me, were made to feel responsible for everything.
You weren't. You were a little child, and your parents were responsible for you. They failed miserably. They were responsible for all the things they accused you of. Every time you feel criticized or responsible for something, tell yourself that you aren't. (Unless you really are, like feeding the dog or something.) Take a step back, look at what's going on, and assess whether you would hold a friend or someone else accountable for it. I think that might help. It takes a lot of repetition to cure these things, but you can do it.
I think my inability to talk and the way my parents shut down my feelings, are the reasons why I'm a writer and why I am such an expressive musician on my instrument. The french horn is known for a lot of beauty, but I am particularly blessed with an expressive ability (not so much the technical). I play it almost like an oboe player. I think that's because when I finally got to a higher level of playing at college, I worked with a woodwind professor in a ww quintet and really found this expressive ability. It was a genuine outlet for all the feelings I couldn't express.
I was so touched by your story of the magazine at lunch. Perhaps you could look for opportunities like this to practice. Or maybe you have a really trusted friend with whom you could share all this, and ask her/him to help you. Maybe devise a system like the one I had for group. Have a really honest friendship where she understands what you're working toward and will support you.
I know I will. SoSmall, anything you need, please ask. I think a lot of this also stems from a sense of entitlement -- that you are entitled to say something and that what you have to say is just as valid as anyone else. That's something I still struggle with, greatly. (My biggest issue is entitlement to anything, since my parents seldom gave me anything and took what I did value away -- music lessons, dance lessons, my horse, etc.)
I really mean that. Let's work on this together. I would feel so privileged to walk by your side on your journey with this. I'm all yours.
xoxo,
LilyCat
PS -- and yes, you're right. I did develop that sixth sense as a protective measure. I always had to have my radar up with my father. It was self protection.
More hugs, SoSmall! And I think you should make one change by putting your name in all caps. I know that's not what most of us do, but I think it would be very symbolic and important to you.
(I hope I don't sound too bossy here. I'm not bossy at all. I rarely give people advice.)
