Kelly,
Yes, something is wrong with him.
Something is wrong with everyone... and yes, he has a particularly bad case of something wrong... but he's not driving you crazy.
See, that's the statement of a co-dependent, Kelly.
I know, because It's the sort of statement I was always making (still do, at times!), when someone's behavior was regularly sending me into a tizzy.
To me, the lesson in this is... my attitude and approach are what I need to work on, even in the midst of an atmosphere loaded with people who are often not going to suit my preferences or meet my needs.
If I don't get that nailed down, then it won't matter what happens within a current relationship... I'll just keep repeating the same mistakes and find another mess to "drive me crazy". I am pretty sure the same applies to you.
Actually, I do know folks who've seemed to miraculously change. I did. I quit drinking almost 3 years ago and that was that... but I don't think that we're supposed to stay mute and wait for a miracle, any more than I think we do well by continually scolding a person about his behavior.
So I'm not suggesting that you passively sit back and pray, closing your eyes to your husband's alcohol dependency and hoping that maybe some day he'll wake up and quit drinking.
I'm only suggesting that talking divorce is not the only answer. In fact, I don't even think it's the next step.
Isn't this the time for a tough love approach?
I mean, he could find himself someplace else to live while he works toward sobriety.
Why does he have the option of continuing to drink in your home?
He even knows that he shouldn't have that option. That's why he's sneaking out to the garage.
But if there are no limits drawn to his behavior, then what incentive does he have to choose change?
Suggesting that he come into the house to drink and not hide in the garage is not a limit. Yelling at him is not a limit.
He needs serious, drastic limits... like: go to AA and individual counseling and not another drop of booze, or you're out of this home.
Or, if it's past that point: get out now, go to AA and individual counseling and not another drop... and then we will talk further about restoring our home.
Very, very difficult, heart-wrenching, firm limits which are not negotiable.
Maybe he won't choose to clean up, even then, but if he's camped out on somebody else's couch and having to clean up his own messes, at least he'd not be so cozy and enabled.
With him out of the house, you'll still have to run the dishwasher, and tend to the sick pet, and everything else you're doing right now, but at least then you know what you've got... and so does he.
And I don't say any of this from the perspective that God is going to be all upset with you if you don't handle this a certain way, Kelly. Only offering you an intermediary option which could provide relief without such drastic measures.
Yes, your husband is a problem, but he's not your problem, you know?
He's not your problem and you can't fix him.
You're not his problem and he can't fix you.
A separation could help both of you recognize that you are not each the other's critical issue. With that sort of clear vision, who knows what's possible?
Love,
Carolyn
