Did your N run away from problems?

[Overcomer]

I got to thinking.  My mom is always trying to "save" people.  She had an alcoholic living in her basement.  She had a troubled married couple on drugs living in her basement.  Now she has a severe anorexic living in her basement.

I told her, "mom, this is a very important thing you are doing............you have to be there for her to make sure she is eating.........you are responsible for her...."

Well, I talked to the anorexic girl and she said, "your mom is NEVER home....."  Then I realized, and said to that girl.........."now you know how I felt growing up."

My brother had open heart surgery (valve replaced) on Thursday and my mom was on a plane the very next day (friday) to the convention....although it did not start until Sunday.  My bro flat lined on Monday and they shocked him back...........oh, yes, she was on the phone with them the whole time so it was ok.

She is involved in every committee.  She is ALWAYS involved in so much that she is not doing ANYTHING well. 

When I was growing up she was traveling two weeks out of the month and when she was home she was on the phone.......always.

My dad NEEDS her...............she won't stay home with him.  Her mom is 93 and she dreads calling her.....

What should I do............what do you think?

[Ami]

Dear Kelly
   I am studying Alice Miller and trying to honor myself, at each step along the way. My life seems to be healing in unexpected ways by following this and ,also, having a friend,to whom I can show my deepest levels of shame.
  My situations, such as you are describing, seem to have more clarity ,for me, in how to approach them.    Love   Ami

[Gaining Strength]

The point of your post is about your mother but I want to address the person living in her basement who has anorexia. 

You wrote, I told her, "mom, this is a very important thing you are doing............you have to be there for her to make sure she is eating.........you are responsible for her...." Actually that is probably a great thing to tell your mother and I'll elaborate in a minute but in reality that is just the opposite of what that person needs.  That is perfect co-dependant behavior, i.e. for your mother to be responsible for that person.  The only way out of the anorexia is for her to get to the source of her pain and to take resposibility for herself.  As long as someone else is responsible she does not have to do the lifesaving work.  Anorexia is not about eating and it is not about weight.  Those are only the outward manifestations.

But that leads directly to the problem - the co-dependency.  You are trying to be responsible ("What should I do?) for your mother's behavior.  It won't work.  You cannot do something that will MAKE your mother responsible.  But you can set boundaries and limitations for yourself.  "Mother if you do not do this for your mother then I will ...."  "Mother, if you do not come to your son's bedside while he is in critical condition then I won't ...."

Nothing harder than seeing how this enmeshment works because it is engrained in us from children that it is the right, the moral, the good thing to do and to do anything different feels so wrong.  But we have been terribly misguided by thinking and being taught that being responsible for each other is love.  Supporting and encouraging each other is love but being responsible for each other is not.  It is very difficult to see the difference at times.

Thinking of you - SS

[gratitude28]

My mother had no desire to deal with any problems ever. I think she believes if you close your eyes and wish a problem away, it disappears. She gave us no guidance during our teen years, except for some silly aphorisms she made up on the spot that usually had to do with her life, not ours.

I think SS saw it right in that you are still very enmeshed if you are trying to solve your NM's problem for her. It was very strong of you to tell her, but she will never listen to you, because she has no respect for you. No matter what you ever do or accomplish, she will never respect you or your opinion. I feel very sorry for the girl in your NM's house. She needs professional help. I hope your NM hasn't convinced her that she can provide that help. The best you can do is to tell the girl to find a real doctor, and assume that your mother will not be able to help her in any way.

This is a good topic. I am always amazed that my mother could close her eyes to all our pain and confusion and just go on happily.

Love, Beth

[Overcomer]

Actually the girl does not allow my mom in at all.  It is very superficial and my mom does not feel free to say anything-BUT I think she needs to ask the girl permission to be there to help.  I just do not want the girl to hide from life in my parent's basement and they find her dead!  I love what you said SS-To tell my mom that if she will not do something then I will.  Funny thing-the girl in the basement is parking in my mom's space in the garage.  I do not think this will last.

[Overcomer]

I understand now.  My mom is used to be able to get in the middle of the situation.  Very codependent.  She will get frustrated by the boundary and will be unable to set a boundary by telling the girl not to park in her spot and before you know it she will shoo the girl out of there.

[Gaining Strength]

Oops Overcomer - I see how I made a mistake.  What I said was - "Mother if you do not do this for your mother then I will ...."  "Mother, if you do not come to your son's bedside while he is in critical condition then I won't ...." What I meant is "Mother if you do not do (fill in the blank for your mother then I will (fill in the blank with some consequence for your mother.)"  and "Mother, if you do not come to your son's bedside while he is in critical condition then I won't (fill in the blank will some kind of consequence such as not doing something that she wants or needs you to do.)

[Overcomer]

Oh so I try to make her suffer a consequence for not doing what I want her to do?  That sounds like manipulation to me.  I should tell her I will not do something just because I do not want to.  She is an idiot when it comes to making the right choice but has a way to make you feel like you are the one screwed up.  I see the tables turning slowly.  She is losing her control.  Today she was pouting-I called her on it.  She is very predictable-I can read her like a book!

[Gaining Strength]

think of it this way.  Your precious granddaughter is two and is headed straight for a sharp corner or a glass table.  You tell her, "No" and she doesn't stop.  You say, "If you don't stop I will put you in time out."  Or she is two and at the grocery store with you and she asks for animal crackers and then begins screaming.  You say, "If you continue screaming I won't buy them for you. "

That is giving consequences.  Does that sound like manipulation?  It is actually putting up boundaries and we all need them - granddaughter and mother alike.

[Overcomer]

Yeah I see.  Appropriate boundaries.  Consequences for her lack of good priorities.

[Gaining Strength]

Yeah that's right.  I know it feels like manipulation but I suspect if you look hard enough you will find that it is your mother's voice telling you that your appropriate boundaries are manipulation.  That is a lie.  The best book I have ever read on boundarie is the one by Townsend and Cloud.  I bet you have it in your store.  Have you read it?

[Overcomer]

I own a copy and have read it but I guess I need to dust it off and read it again.  I remember how very hard it used to be but it is easier now.  I would try them and my mom's reaction always made me feel guilty!  Not any more!

[Gaining Strength]

REad it again.  I have read it countless times and each time I learn more.

Then when you feel the guilt pangs take over your body remind yourself, "Aha!  This is the lie that I have believed all my life.  No More!"  That will break the grip she has on you.  That is power.

[Overcomer]

It is amazing to watch my mom in action.  I asked her if she went to Jazzercise Tuesday night (I missed) and she said again, "I just cannot get plugged in."  I said, "one day at a time."  But it is as if she cannot wrap her mind around everything.  She is losing it.  I know setting boundaries is easier now more than EVER.  She is sliding down a slippery slope and I am sure it is alzheimer's...

[Ami]

Dear Bean
 That was a profound post. You have grown so much since I first met you .You are finding the 'you" who is you, the one our parents wiped clean ,as a bird of prey would it's victim.You are climbing up from the pit which was a childhood with N parents to reclaiming your essential self and your life. Bravo to you, dear friend!
 Thanks for sharing your insights. They helped very much.     Love Ami