helping my mom cope

[janisty07]

I just had to write.  These boards have helped me so much over the past months, but my problem these days is with trying to help my mom deal with my n sister.  My mother is 74 and it's harder for her to realize just how "sick" my sister is.  She is still in the mode that she feels like there is something she can do.
My sister rarely talks to my mom at all.  She will come to her house and talk to my father and totally ignore mom.  She will leave without even saying hello/goodbye.  The tension in the air is intolerable.  If my mother would try to confront her for her actions, my n sister will threaten her with not seeing her granddaughter anymore.  So, mom just sits and obsesses about the situation, driving herself crazy.  I have detached myself from my n sister because I had accepted the fact that there isn't any hope.  She hates me, and has told me so many times.  I haven't done anything to her, she is just a controlling, manipulative person that I don't need as a part of my crazy life.  But, how do I help mom to accept as well?

[Ami]

Dear Janis
 I think that one of our hardest issues is realizing that we can't get people to see things which are important for them to see,as we view it.All our efforts can come up with a blank.I can hear your frustration.
 I have been there, as we all have, I think. People have tried to get me to see things which I have not ,or could not see.
 It is a hard part of the human dilemma, exacerbated by N's, as most things are. I am sorry you are hurting, Janis. Keep writing and sharing.                          Ami

[gratitude28]

Hi Jan,
I wish I could offer really helpful advice, but I think your mom will have to come to terms with your sister's lack of ability to care for others before she can accept that her daughter will never show her love. Does she understand at all about narcissicm? Have you talked to her about the disorder itself? Have you ever tried to get her counseling? It might be a necessity since she is obsessing about your sister. She needs to free herself. I would hate to see her spend her precious last years wasting time on your sister. It must be terribly hard to accept that the child you raised has no love at all for you.
((((((((((((((((jan)))))))))))))))
Love, Beth

[James]

Hi Jan......My sister rarely talks to my mom at all.  She will come to her house and talk to my father and totally ignore mom.  She will leave without even saying hello/goodbye.  The tension in the air is intolerable.  If my mother would try to confront her for her actions, my n sister will threaten her with not seeing her granddaughter anymore.  So, mom just sits and obsesses about the situation, driving herself crazy. Jan no doubt your sister is controlling and manipulative but I sense something else is at the bottom of these actions. I think your sister has a lot of anger/pain and it has not been addressed by her or your parents. Why? Parents who know what true love is will show this by honoring the feelings of their children including their anger. They will also own their own actions that might make a child angry and help the child to see it was not their fault and allow the child to express their justified anger. Why does your mother not do this and encourage her to understand what it is about and help her to express it? It appears to me your mother is playing the "good mother", to make herself look good, but yet holds your sister's true feelings down in order to have power over her making her look bad when it might be her own actions that may have contributed to her condition. Narcissistic personalities are formed under severe abuse. Could it be that all your family may be in severe denial of what has really happened?.......James

[Hopalong]

Hi Janis,
It's taken me 58 years to figure out it really is okay to let people choose their own path.
They don't need rescuing unless they look us in the eye and say HELP ME.

(And even then, you've got to carefully coNsider what you know of the source. Don't help Ns to your own detriment!)

I have a friend who frets continually over whether his sibling is controlling or taking advantage of their mother.

I know it is better to let her own whatever fulfillment she finds in it. There's always some inner monologue.
Perhaps it's a maternal dream in some way, that a child --even adult child-- can't comprehend.

Just my thoughts, but you can SAY OUT LOUD to your mother, I am here for you, I am so sorry you are treated so cruelly. Then give a loving hug and ask her out to do something just with you.

After a while, the old Steve Miller song comes to mind: "If you can't be with the one you love, honey, love the one you're with." I'm sure this triangle wasn't on Miller's mind, but in this case, your mother can't "be" with the Ndaughter she loves, because Ndaughter won't allow her to "be."

So maybe your Mom can learn to soak up love from those who do have it to give. Shed the tears over lost Ndaughter when she needs to, then release...and love the ones she's with.

On the other hand, I could visualize a sibling standing up tall in the LR and saying OUT LOUD (without shouting) to the sister, I can't stop you from behaving as you are, but I CAN tell you it is absolutely unacceptable to me to watch you hurting Mom by giving her the silent treatment. Next time I see you I hope you're behaving like a human being.

AND
THEN
LEAVE

love,
Hops

And then leave.