I have got to the point where I can't look in the mirror because I hate myself so much. I have lived in this state for 8 to 10 years quite some time ago. When I look back, I see that the reality had nothing to do with my perception. The pain was indescribable. I wish someone had cared enough to help me see the reality. Could another person have helped? I still believe so - if they had not given up inspite of my protestations. Can we help you alter your perspective? Would you allow us to. I think we can help.
i have made 2 appointments to have a facelift as i can't live with myself feeling this ugly. I feel like my life has come to a grinding halt and I have got nowhere left to go. Does this plastic surgeon require a psychological profile. Many do. It is so important that you get an objective perspective on whether the surgery will give you what you need. Deep in your heart do you believe this has to do with your physical appearance or with you psychological or emotional self-image.
My insides are continually churning and I feel sick all the time. I live that life and know how exremely painful that is. That is what I am dealing with step by step each minute. It is draining, without a doubt.
My partner is in Sri Lanka having a fantastic time at his brother's wedding. Remember.. the one I wasn't invited to... I can't help but wonder what is going on with your relationship. I have always worried about how he treated you and your reponse to his treatment. From what you wrote about it, it seemed that he did not value you the way you deserve and that your drive to be connected was stronger than your need to take care of yourself.
I don't want to be in this world any more.. I understand that place. I have been there more than once in my life. It hurts!!! You don't want to be but you feel like you have to be, like you owe it to your daughter and grandchild. I'm glad they are keeping you here but it is time for you to recognize and acknowledge that YOU deserve better. You are so low that you no longer even believe you deserve better but you do. You seem so low that something is better than nothing but it's not. I hope you can begin to shift your perspective so that you can see that you deserve and need better and that you can have better. Some part of you definitely knows that - that part of you has made that appointment for plastic surgery. That part knows you deserve better. That is the part of you that you can tap into and find more ways that you KNOW you deserve better.
We have these voices that we have internalized. They are very, very negative. They were not ours to begin with but we took them in and let them become ours. Now we must root them out, label them as the lie that they are and replace them with the truth - that we are good people who deserve happiness and love and acceptance.
I'm sorry to dump this on you.. but I have to be honest somewhere in my life.. I have found this board to be an excellent dumping ground. There is almost always someone or more who is able and willing to listen and to be there and to understand. It is only through sharing and being heard that we can heal. It is time to bring those internalized voices to the surface and to destroy them and replace them with the truth. The greatest irony is that the truth, the wonderful, life-giving truth is very difficult to hear and the life-destroying lies are more comfortable. It takes determination to kill the lies and feed the truth. It no longer comes naturally to us but the battle is worth it, however hard it may be.
Love to you and willing to hear all you have to dump - Shame Slayer
