Author Topic: struggling very badly.....  (Read 4046 times)

spyralle

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struggling very badly.....
« on: August 03, 2008, 05:29:31 AM »
Hello everyone,

I haven't been around because I have been really struggling very badly since I was last here and I am very worried about my state of mind.  I have got to the point where I can't look in the mirror because I hate myself so much.  i have made 2 appointments to have a facelift as i can't live with myself feeling this ugly.  I feel like my life has come to a grinding halt and I have got nowhere left to go.  My insides are continually churning and I feel sick all the time.  My partner is in Sri Lanka having a fantastic time at his brother's wedding.  Remember.. the one I wasn't invited to...  I don't want to be in this world any more..  I just need a place where I can say that.  I'm not going to do anything as I have a daughter and a grandchild..  I just need to be able to say it as the thought is always there..  I'm sorry to dump this on you..  but I have to be honest somewhere in my life..

Spyralle

axa

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Re: struggling very badly.....
« Reply #1 on: August 03, 2008, 07:57:45 AM »
Spy,

I am so sorry to hear you are in such a bad place.  What can I say except get online and write more or else arrange to meet with a friend.  Are you seeing a therapist?  Do you have a good friend you can talk to?  This sounds so mundane but fast walking for an hour or so always helps to pull me out of the dark places, it just changes my energy and going to a good movie, which I am sure you do not feel like doing, but those few hours away from your own head, helps to rest the negativitly.

I am thinking of you today,

axa xxx

Ami

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Re: struggling very badly.....
« Reply #2 on: August 03, 2008, 08:31:13 AM »
(((((Spyrelle))))))
 I am so sorry you are hurting.You are right to think  of your daughter and grandchild. That will keep you centered enough  not to hurt yourself. It is OK to have those thoughts of wanting to die. I think we all do.  It  does not mean that you WILL hurt yourself. You are  dismayed and feel despairing. I certainly feel that way, too, at times.
 Having had  M's  lke ours,, it is hard to overcome the old messages of worthlesness. They replay when we are vulnerable. I am really glad you reached out. You did exactly the right thing. Keep reaching out .You are not alone.                   Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Overcomer

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Re: struggling very badly.....
« Reply #3 on: August 03, 2008, 11:21:57 AM »
Yes-I am just getting to the point where I do not consider myself fat and ugly.  I had the lap band and my eyes done.  What has helped me is changing the way I view my mom.  Suddenly I realized that she is not God and she has no power over me!  I even had two glasses of wine at a birthday party.  First time EVER!  SPY-you are beautiful-the mirror is lying to you! 
Kelly

"The Best Way Out is Through........and try laughing at yourself"

alone48

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Re: struggling very badly.....
« Reply #4 on: August 03, 2008, 02:01:20 PM »
I so throughly understand where you are at, I too was there just a short time ago. Now I'm just in a state of oblivion. I guess it's better than hurting so bad. The point is, things do change and I'm hoping for the day I can find enjoyment again. I wish this for you too. Set some small goals and please report to those of us here that have been in the same position. I too need to lose weight, have a face lift, just about anything, but until I feel better about myself I can't even begin to take those on. I had come so close to the end, but like you I have children and grandchildren. I didn't want to leave that as my legacy. Please find strength to take care of you....!

Ami

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Re: struggling very badly.....
« Reply #5 on: August 03, 2008, 02:45:20 PM »
Dear Spy,
 Just wanted to say as s/one who has lived through a loved one's suicide ,it is the most horrible act for the living to try to survive.
                                                                                                                                                                            Ami
« Last Edit: August 03, 2008, 04:49:40 PM by Ami »
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

alone48

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Re: struggling very badly.....
« Reply #6 on: August 03, 2008, 02:59:58 PM »
I have to tell you that your agony and pain helped me to see the wrong of it.....not that I didn't know, but it came at the exact time I was so low. My prayers are with you always.

lighter

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Re: struggling very badly.....
« Reply #7 on: August 03, 2008, 07:24:20 PM »
((((Spy)))))

::sending you mommy love and a cup of cyber hot tea::

I hope these dark moments lift soon.

Lighter

Gaining Strength

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Re: struggling very badly.....
« Reply #8 on: August 03, 2008, 09:24:37 PM »
  I have got to the point where I can't look in the mirror because I hate myself so much. I have lived in this state for 8 to 10 years quite some time ago.  When I look back, I see that the reality had nothing to do with my perception.  The pain was indescribable.  I wish someone had cared enough to help me see the reality.  Could another person have helped?  I still believe so - if they had not given up inspite of my protestations.  Can we help you alter your perspective?  Would you allow us to.  I think we can help.

i have made 2 appointments to have a facelift as i can't live with myself feeling this ugly.  I feel like my life has come to a grinding halt and I have got nowhere left to go.   Does this plastic surgeon require a psychological profile.  Many do.  It is so important that you get an objective perspective on whether the surgery will give you what you need.  Deep in your heart do you believe this has to do with your physical appearance or with you psychological or emotional self-image.

My insides are continually churning and I feel sick all the time. I live that life and know how exremely painful that is.  That is what I am dealing with step by step each minute.  It is draining, without a doubt.

My partner is in Sri Lanka having a fantastic time at his brother's wedding.  Remember.. the one I wasn't invited to...   I can't help but wonder what is going on with your relationship.  I have always worried about how he treated you and your reponse to his treatment.  From what you wrote about it, it seemed that he did not value you the way you deserve and that your drive to be connected was stronger than your need to take care of yourself.

I don't want to be in this world any more.. I understand that place.  I have been there more than once in my life.  It hurts!!!  You don't want to be but you feel like you have to be, like you owe it to your daughter and grandchild.  I'm glad they are keeping you here but it is time for you to recognize and acknowledge that YOU deserve better.  You are so low that you no longer even believe you deserve better but you do.  You seem so low that something is better than nothing but it's not.  I hope you can begin to shift your perspective so that you can see that you deserve and need better and that you can have better. Some part of you definitely knows that - that part of you has made that appointment for plastic surgery.  That part knows you deserve better.  That is the part of you that you can tap into and find more ways that you KNOW you deserve better.

We have these voices that we have internalized.  They are very, very negative.  They were not ours to begin with but we took them in and let them become ours.  Now we must root them out, label them as the lie that they are and replace them with the truth - that we are good people who deserve happiness and love and acceptance. 

  I'm sorry to dump this on you..  but I have to be honest somewhere in my life..  I have found this board to be an excellent dumping ground.  There is almost always someone or more who is able and willing to listen and to be there and to understand.  It is only through sharing and being heard that we can heal. It is time to bring those internalized voices to the surface and to destroy them and replace them with the truth.  The greatest irony is that the truth, the wonderful, life-giving truth is very difficult to hear and the life-destroying lies are more comfortable.  It takes determination to kill the lies and feed the truth.  It no longer comes naturally to us but the battle is worth it, however hard it may be.

Love to you and willing to hear all you have to dump - Shame Slayer

James

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Re: struggling very badly.....
« Reply #9 on: August 04, 2008, 01:57:01 PM »
Spyralle........Can you look into your past and find those people who hurt you and how they hurt you, maybe your parents? Can you find your anger at this and then REBEL against them. I found, my self hate was the internalized hate my parents abused me with but I carried it forward and once internalized I was relieving their hatred without them being around, unconsciously replaying their hatred over and over against myself. I refused to see this b/c underneath I was still afraid of them, still today, caught in the past of my child, living out his helpless and hopless reality without realizing I am an adult now. When I rebelled and chose to see them for who they are/and what they did I started the healing process by facing reality and found my child's anger (fighting back and defending myself)My self hatred was a lie, it actually was my parents hatred inflicted on someone so small an innocent that I could not fight back then. I can now and I have healed a majority of my depression and self hatred.and perhaps the best thing of all is that I have lost my feelings of dependency and helplessness............Best Wishes, James

Sela

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Re: struggling very badly.....
« Reply #10 on: August 04, 2008, 08:24:19 PM »
Dear Spy,

What is iniside your soul is what is the most beautiful of all.

I'm so sorry that you are hurting so much right now and I just wanted to say that I see the beautiful you that you are not so aware of right now.  Your honesty is a giant part of that beauty.

Sending you a very large big giant ((((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))))))) and hoping the wise words of many here will help you to feel better very soon.

Sela


spyralle

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Re: struggling very badly.....
« Reply #11 on: August 05, 2008, 01:40:28 PM »
Thank you everyone for your support.  I just want to get out what the therapist just said as I have just come from there.  Just going to blurt it all out so it might not make any sense.  She says I have made him into perfection and put him on a pedestal, and I have made myself into his slave...  a grovelling worm... (that came from some Jungian theory). She says there are lots of parts of me..  The independent capable woman battling with the wounded child who is self destructing.  She was exploring the whole ugly thing and how it has manifested itself since I started going out with him..  I feel less than and he lets me in fact he actually encourages it somehow..i.e watching TV the other night there was a blonde attractive woman getting on for my age and a young 21 yr old brunette, perfect in every way.  He said that he didn't know why anyone would find the blonde woman attractive..  He said that the brunette was beautiful..  I am blonde I am older.. Was he calculating or did he not know? 

I try to feel better and the ugly stuff comes and bites me hits me square on the nose and says..."Who are you to feel better about yourself..  Who are you who dares to ask for a real relationship with someone who just loves you...  who are you who dares to feign independence and inner beauty....  How laughable is it that you could even think that you are good enough..  look at your sagging face...  Look at your drooping eyes  look at your lines and weep because that is all you will ever be..  And don't ever dare go to that hopeful place again..  You know what you are.. NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!!!! UGLY UGLY UGLY.....  Now put down your weapons and go crawl back into your hole and JUST DIE!!!!!  How could you think he would care about you, this adonis of a man... so perfect in every way..  Look at him..  with his beautiful hair and his fantastic vice.  This man who loves shakespeare.. so educated so untouchable so out of your league.  How could you have been so foolish.... Now lock yourself away from the world and torture yourself... or let him torture you while he finds something better..... and then he will discard you AND YOU WIL DESERVE IT!!!!!!!"

Over and over these are the sort of ruminations that haunt me until it becomes unbearable..  And so my life passes me by because that keeps me in prison.  My therapist talks about being my anchor...  Giving me a mirror in which to see my true self. 

And he is still in Sri Lanka.  I have convinced myself he is walking hand in hand on the beach with a dark and mysterious beautiful girl...  and I stay here alone and bury myself..

My therapist says I need to break the cycle...  I do this over and over..  She wants to help me stop...  She says I might have to let him go..  She tells me a story of another client who was with a man who only liked indian women..  The client had booked a series of operations to change her body shape, hair colour... the colour of her eyes... She says that girl is now living with a man who loves her for what she is..  She tries to give me hope and hold my hand through it all.  She says that he has triggered some trauma in me which is why I am reacting so deeply.  I tell her it is no good that when I leave the room the monster is out there waiting for me in the mirror..  She says I need to fight harder.  She gives me a quote to hold onto....."Make your distance my journey"..  I think I understand...

Spyralle

Ami

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Re: struggling very badly.....
« Reply #12 on: August 05, 2008, 02:39:28 PM »
"Who do you think you are?" is the N mother.  Do I know that line. Boy, do I understand, Spy. I wish I didn't!                      Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

sKePTiKal

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Re: struggling very badly.....
« Reply #13 on: August 05, 2008, 02:42:13 PM »
Any man who would - consciously or UNconsciously - encourage you to feel such things about yourself is FAR FROM PERFECT.
And you DON'T - no one does - deserve such treatment.

Not for any amount of relationship.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

gratitude28

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Re: struggling very badly.....
« Reply #14 on: August 05, 2008, 02:43:51 PM »
((((((Spyralle))))))))))))

Your therapist is very wise. It is wonderful that you have her.
You sound very depressed to me. Do you take any ADs??? It might help you. Has she ever mentioned trying medication? They did help me immensely. Do you have any other contributing factors? I know I felt a lot as you did when I was drinking. It was also a cycle... something I did over and over to hurt myself.
There is no perfect other person. You are seeing your partner through some sort of warped vision. He may be handsome and may have a great voice... maybe all the things you say. And maybe he is YOUR perfect idea of a man (at least physically). But I can guarantee some of those around him do not find him attractive. Maybe they even find him annoying. We each have our likes and dislikes, so ideals are only personal ideas, not true, simplistic beings. We find what we want through our desires that are built on our pasts and our individual maps. Your adonis fits some want you have - and part of that want may be to suffer. You may be afraid NOT to suffer. It is what you are used to and what you expect.
So... at some point you will have to really decide what it is you want in life and in a relationship. You can choose to suffer and be depressed. You can choose to give up some ideals and find a person who is whole and honest. You can choose to grow to love yourself before you give your amazing soul to another person.

((((((((((((((((((((((Spy))))))))))))))))))))

Love, Beth
"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable." Douglas Adams