Birth Order - Where are You? Where is Your N?

[SilverLining]

I'm the oldest in my FOO and both my parents were in theirs. My N grandfather was the oldest in his FOO.   I think birth order definitely makes a difference in how we were treated.  I believe I got the heaviest dose of "parentification" since I was the oldest.  I was forced to be a "friend" to my father since he is pretty much incapable of forming friendships on a reciprocal basis with his peers.  My younger brother kind of retreated into a world of his own, and as a result developed a quiet narcissism problem of his own.  With insufficient adult validation and mirroring, he developed grandiose ideas of his own abilities.   It seems to me he suffers from some of the same problems as my father.   My youngest sister was the "baby" of the family and got some preferential treatment as a result, but she still obviously suffered from my parents self absorption.   

I like to believe I didn't pick up the family disease, or at least am more conscious of what is going on.   





   

[changing]

Hi Gjazz-

It's good to read your insights into the "girls are supposed to sacrifice for the boys" FOOs- I was so very indoctrinated, sometimes I think back and cannot believe how fully I bought into the myth! My NM left when I was very young ( 3 or 4???) and my NF installed me in her place...My brother left home at 16 never to return except for brief visits. He got a full Ivy League scholarship, but NF would not sign my financial aid papers- I was 16 almost 17 and didn't realize that there was such a thing as "emancipation" through a court order- so I worked and paid my own way at a local college, etc. ( I had already started working in high school)

When my father was dying, my wealthy brother did not come to help care for him or to attend the funeral- I think the key difference here is the fact that your M remained as a caretaker, and you have a sister, etc- your family is not totally fractured- and that my brother disengaged and saved himself unlike your poor sibling. Still, I have an ingrained sense of "making things okay" for everyone and pangs of longing or guilt or whatever when I am ata weak point and think about the destruction of my FOO.

The bitter and prolonged divorce warfare with my husband has been a tonic as far as healing me from the "sacrificing for love" modus operandi- UGH!!!

Do you find as a "little sister" that you tend to the needs of others before your own, or was your experience simply the sacrifice of the girls for the sake of the boys?

Love,

C.

Love,

C.

[gjazz]

I may have phrased something poorly before--I'm the only female in my family, I have three brothers, no sisters.  So I have no understanding of a close sibling relationship at all...the boys were expected to devalue females, including our mother and me.  I think what bothers my brothers now is that it seems my mother and I have a closer relationship than any of them have with her, but that has to do with me being more patient and them being more likely to value people in terms of their professional accomplishments. 

My NF is a master at training women to participate in their own humiliation.  It was very devastating to live with that dynamic as a child; as an adult, I chose not to have anything to do with him on a day to day basis.  Alas, now that he has "discovered" e-mail (we all curse the sibling who taught him), I get misogynist and right-wing political messages regularly.  He thinks "smart" women will always agree with him, that they are unworthy of respect. 

[changing]

Hi Gjazz-

UGHH- those wacky emails - I guess that's why God created the delete feature!!!! It is so odd that some people can latch on to their secondary sexual characteristics as if they convey some sort of divine power and differentiation upon them, even from others sharing their DNA...

Maybe you could email your Daddy an issue of the Onion - he might lighten up.

Hope all is well with you!

Best,

Changing