A thought...

[LilyCat]

I was just pondering over the N I knew, as always, and what transpired, as always, and why, as always...

and I got to thinking how nice the idealization phase was. (Really, mine idealized me nearly the entire 15 months. I never actually saw him be mean to me; he did it through the meetings and investigation, etc. I did see that eery, cold withdrawal, though, both times)

Then I got to thinking that if ever there was a person who needed to be idealized a little bit, it's me. Never got that from my parents (positive mirroring and all).

Which made me wonder -- for those of us who were involved with Ns on a relationship basis (i.e., not as parents, FOO, relations, etc.), I wonder if that might be part of the force that hooked us.

I mean, who wouldn't want to be treated the way they treat you in the beginning?  ... but I'm just curious as to whether some of us have this particular thing going on. ?????? What do you think?

[Izzy_*now*]

Oh yes LC

Exactly! For all the years (since I was 15) that I have been examining my life, it always came back to my FOO.

Since I had no faith iin myself as I was growing and working and meeting people, I made mistakes, but I wonder now If I made as many as I thought (Can you dig?) I have been putting all the family in the proper places to see if any were kind, who was the most dangerous to my psyche, who ignored me, then the same for my parents and their relationship (as well as I could remember) with each of their children.

I am not angry and blaming my parents. I am sorry for my Mom who never knew love and never enjoyed sex. and WHY? Likely because of her parents! I am sticking to this generational thing, as it is the best answer for me. I feel sorry for my Dad as he might never have know what his pe*is was for as he never expected children (maybe didn't know how--well that could be an exaggeration, but I  never saw Dad as a "MAN" ) He was a tantrum-throwing child.

So I needed a man who acted like a man, and I could see that he could change windshield wipers, and my battery, and repair a rusted fender on his Jimmy, and could build a computer, nad I was in aw!----and knew what his d*ck was for.

Well that all fell apart in about 6-8 months.

OMG
Izzy

[LilyCat]

Well Izzy, it's hard to know how to reply to that. You knew that much about your parents' intimate life? Wow. How did they have all you kids, then?

I hear you, though. You undoubtedly made fewer mistakes than you think. I know that masculine thing is really imprinted on me. My dad was very masculine (outwardly; I think inside he was a frightened mess) and my brother was the best kind of masculine -- the male stuff along with great psyche/spirit stuff -- and my mom's brothers are/were all very masculine. (Farmers/hunt/all that). So it was very much burned into me and it's really hard to find that. (I don't care for the hunting thing...) It's one of the things that made the N so appealing -- he really is a man's man in many of his interests, and his fake personality is comfortably strong while also being "empathetic" (inasmuch as Ns know feelings so they can manipulate) and creative. Very powerful combination.

Izzy, I just love your posts. More often than not you surprise me (have to say, this one was a BIG surprise!) and you're always so giving and generous and kind, and you have such a great spirit.

...I've retreated into myself a lot this week so I haven't been posting much, but I have been reading what's going on with you and everyone.

I read your story about your FOO, and I always feel so sad that they were so cruel and really, lifeless.

But you aren't, Izzy. You're just exploding with life!

LC

[Izzy_*now*]

hi LC
Knew for a fact? No! I surmised.
I did know I never saw them share a bedroom, that I never saw a 'special moment' betwen them. 
When we 4 girls all had our guys and children, Mom would hang close and hang on to anything that bordeed on sex, in our conversations.  I'm sure there is much she did not know and never would.
I said that about Dad because I cannot picture his being any special lover. Probably rough, and Wham Bam and no thank you. That would make it worse for Mom.
All of us were roughly 2 years apart. She likely used nursing as a means of Birth Control.

So with thoughts in mind like that, how were we girls to learn? By having girl freinds who talked, reading, whatever.

My personaliity came out of this as one who would "fall for the con" because I was "so special".
I came put of this ½ and ½, still needy, but much more knowledgable than my mother, and unfortunately my daughter received both from me, plenty of knowledge but also my dysfunction. and she, too, was ripe for an N.

! sense that my 19 year old granddaughter is quite sensible, so maybe the curse is broken.

Izzy

[LilyCat]

Hi Izzy,

Once again, I say wow! Much (but not all) of what you said about your parents resonates with me. What can I say? I grew up in a very WASP household.

I think your daughter and granddaughter are both very lucky to have you.

[Ami]

Dear Lily
 I understand how you fell for this N. You felt special, loved and sought after. It is hard to resist when we have been so emotionally impoverished.
 It is only natural that we would be especially vulnerable to love, or what appears to be love. I understand ,Lily. It was not your fault that you could not see clearly.
  We get blinded by the distortions and unmet needs of our past. I truly understand and empathize with you!       Love   Ami

[LilyCat]

Ami, thank you so much. It really helps to hear that as I just even now begin to uncover the damage. I really, really appreciate it.

Hugs! And have a good weekend.

Lilycat

[Ami]

Dear Lily
 You are very welcome. I think we all have sold ourselves very cheaply, for love. It hurts really badly when you face it. I am going through the same thing!             Love   ami