Some board members have asked me to share my discoverings from this visit from my mother and from my seven session with a therapist ofr the first time in my life.
My T is not my T anymore. I start working this MOnday and she is not available evenings. So I have to find another one but since I am going to have insurance now my possibilities are better now.
My discovering. I found out that when I punish her for her behavior, she backs of. She stops attacking me and she starts treating me in a more human and nice way. I did not know that for 50 years. I was so hungry of love and so needy of her that I never imagined that she would back of. I explained that to the T and she said that I established boundaries, and that I offer consequences and I follow through. And when she realized that she was going to lose privileges she behaves better. I told her many times, I am not your mother, do not ask me. I never imagined. Well, now I know what boundaries are. I had no idea that is to enforce boundaries. I learned after 50 years of life. Something I should have learned in kinder garden.
I told her, if my son gets mad at me because of your actions you will pay. And she provoked me in front of my son and I bite the bait and after that I did not talk to her for 24 hours. She hates when she does not have somebody giving her attention.
I have asked in the board so many times about boundaries, and do not understand the answers, read a lot and do not understand or have no idea what is it. Well my T translated to me what I did. It was enforcing boundaries.
Now, I will start with other people too. With dance partners, with friends, with everybody.
For ten years she has visited me once a year and she complains because I let her cook, I used to le her cook, and let her be the queen of my kitchen. She complained and made me feel guilty. This time I did not let her, I did everything my self and she complained that I did not let her. After two weeks I allowed her to wash dishes, she is so happy washing the dishes, like a little child with finally a little power in the kitchen. I made my self unavailable by taking pills to sleep and she had nobody to talk to and she hates that, and she behaved better after that. I did not take her out for two days and she behaved better after that. It is a constant struggle but it is worth it.
She does not love me the way I would like but she has to love me a little, she cant love anybody. I have to come to peace that I do not have what others had for a family and be content with what I have no matter what.
I will not go NC, I have to stay in contact with her, she is my mother and gave me birth. But I will keep her at a distance. I have to do that. Emotional and geographical distance. Most of it, emotional. Whatever she does should not affect me. I have to detach.
