Do I always choose Narcissists??

[Overcomer]

I have been on board for years........complaining about my N mom.  On and on.  Then I complain about my alcoholic h.  Then I got to thinking???  Is HE an N???  Was the last boyfriend an N?  Was my ex-h an N?

This H.  We had a whirlwind relationship and got married in six months.  One week before the wedding he met the gal I had chosen to be my maid of honor.  She is very outspoken and he was going to call off the wedding if she was in it.  I replaced her.

After the wedding he would get me in my bedroom and rant and rave (verbally abuse me.)  Started drinking.  He always had to "think."  I tried desperately to appease him.  I walked on eggshells.  Finally after almost a year of that I pointed to the door and told him to walk through it.  He got a little better after that.  (his house was on the market so he went to live in his house for a few months.)

He always shakes his head in disapproval.  He rants and raves about my kids.

He only listens to Journey.  He goes on and on about them and how talented they are.  This has gone on for seven years.

He gets home from work and proceeds to tell me about his actual daily duties of which I cannot care anything about.  He never asks me about my day.  He dominates the conversation and when I ask him a question he snaps at me.............something like, "I don't know Kelly...............quit pressuring me.......I need time to think!"  He always responds defensively.  He is boring and never can we have a normal conversation - give and take.  It is all about him.  When we have an audience, he doesn't really talk to them.........he talks to me loud enough for them to hear.  He sneaks inside and gets drunk.  They do not notice but I do...........

He expected me to change for him but would not change for me.  His friends are my friends but my friends are not his friends.

Last boyfriend.  Would get drunk and cry about what he lost.  When he was with me he would cry on his anniversary.  On his ex's birthday.  He told me my life was not his life.  He never wanted to make love.  He only would try if he was blitzed and then was impotent.

Ex H.  Sex addict.  Didn't work.  Didn't make love.  If we did he could not complete the act because he had spent himself mast***********.

I think of Spy and how she feels ugly.  Rejected.  I feel that way too.  I think my mom took ALL the self esteem out of me...........so I choose losers for men..............or at least not good for me men.........men with addictions.........

[Izzy_*now*]

OOpsy OC

That could very well be.

"Walking on eggshells" is a sign of a bad relationship, generally labelled as an N relationship, because you can "never do anything right" and your self-esteem suffers. In truth you are doing everythig OK; he just wants to drive you crazy and get attention from you, negative or positive, and still have HIS own way, never yours.

All those guys sounds like Ns, losers anyway, and (what your Mom has done) your lack of self-esteem has make you 'ripe for the picking'.

I figured that out for me, just from the emotional abuse, bad or no boundaries, and inability to assert myself. Now that I am too old, I know me well.

Take heart
Kick 'em all to the curb, beat your chest and yell, "I am woman. Hear me roar!."

Take care
Love
Izzy

[Overcomer]

Funny!!  I really do plan on it.  I keep having dreams of old boyfriends.  I think I am wishing for my youth...

[Ami]

Dear Kelly
 I am so sorry you are hurting. It hurts so much to see your life , how you made so many poor choices and may not even HAD a choice  b/c of the NM seeting you up for failure.
 It hurts so badly.I  understand, Kelly.
 My life has been such a failure, in so many ways. I could not have changed the course, I don't think,  b/c I was not aware of my own motivations and needs. I was taught to be a blank, no needs and wants, so I played out that script.
 At times like this, I lean on God b/c having Him is worth it all(IMO)          Love   Ami

[spyralle]

Kelly you just made me cry..  It's bloody desperate isn't it the way we fall back in.  i dream of old boyfriends too.  Ones I let go beause they weren't N enough.  i want my youth too.  Well not my youth... but a youth I never had cos I was so messed up. 

I know that head shake well.. that knowing disapproval..  the one you buy into and turn on yourself..  I understand that desperation to appease..  That walking on eggshells. 

And as shit as I'm feeling every word you said made me feel like someone was holding my hand.. and I just want you to know that I understand your pain wih all my heart..

Spy x

[Overcomer]

Wow you made me cry too Spy.  It just is not fair is it?  I want a particular guy from my past.  I hurt him but I know I was his first love.  Oh why do I go for men who do not care about me-only themselves.  Mine asked me if he gets all my parents money if he goes after me!  No!  MY GIRLS DO ASS!

[Overcomer]

I get home from a baby shower and I notice my bottle of margaritas was more full than when I left.  I told my h that I knew he drank some and filled it up with water.  No-he drank all mine and bought a new bottle and then tried to drink some of the new to make it look like mine.  I think I am so livid!  I wanted to cry and yell and scream!  Drunk at every opportunity!

[sunblue]

Felt compelled to comment on this one too.  I had one "relationship" with an N...but it was a doozy.  Thankfully no marriage or anything and relatively short in the grand scheme of things.  But he caused enormous damage---financial and otherwise.

But other than that, overall, I would say that I have always felt extremely ugly, worthless and lacking in self-esteem.  This was reinforced by the fact that I never received any kind of attention from anyone---certainly not Nparents, not siblings, not any friends, boyfriends or anyone....So all that has reinforced my extreme worthlessness.  I suppose when this damaging N guy had come along, I was so desperate for attention, I ignored any warning signs that were there.  Also, since I was raised in an N household, his N characteristics didn't seem so out of whack....

So now, I have no N relationship (other than my Nmom and Nsibling and co-dependent dad), but I am also completely alone....

I think the worst thing about being raised by an N is that you always feel ugly and worthless.  I am saddened to know that there wasn't a single soul in this world who found me worthy enough of love or attention....I don't know how you get past that..but surely it is one of the most devastating effects of being raised in an N household.

[Overcomer]

And how do we overcome that?  How can we start to value ourselves so we do not choose Ns?  How do we learn to love ourselves?