This weekend I received some of the e-mails that my friend sent out in the days just after the shooting in Knoxville. They are very moving. I thought some here might want to read what she has to write. I changed their names except of course her father's name which was in the news.
Because so many here have experienced such traumas I think some may find this too difficult to read while others will find it helpful. I found it helpful - Here is what she wrote the first 3 days after the shooting.
*****
Here is what I sent out yesterday--i don't know if you guys got it. We're exhausted...
Some of you know this and some may not...We're up in Knoxville because
Lucy has been at a church camp doing Annie Jr. and my dad was
starring as Daddy Warbucks.
This morning Dave, Kate, Ila, my mom, my stepmother and I were
sitting in a pew at the Tennessee Valley Unitarian Universalist
Church--the church where I was raised and my brother ordained and
Kate blessed--we were about 8 minutes into the play when a terrible
bang erupted...at first we thought a light bulb had burst, or a sound
effect was being used...then screaming and more shots and we hit the
ground...covering Ila and Kate...shoving them under the pews...I
played dead...no kidding...there was screaming and screaming...chaos.
Finally we were told to go out back behind the stage out into the
yard. We ran back..desperate to find Lucy...we were quickly
reunited with her...all the girls were hysterical...Dave, mom and I,
were confused and in crisis. Once we had the girls counted,
hugged...held...I went to find my Dad with my stepmother..we looked
and looked for him and couldn't find him...I knew that he had been
back in the back where the shooter was and I think I thought he'd been
shot. Finally...which seemed like forever...word came out that
someone had seen him and he was ok.
What we've found out since then...the gunman originally approached
the group of children waiting to come onstage...he was carrying a
guitar case. The stage manager directed him to the front door. When
he walked in, my dad noticed him..thinking..that's weird...there is no
guitar in Annie...apparently the man then pulled a rifle out of the
guitar case and began shooting. My dad, John Bohstedt, and three
others tackled the gunman and then my dad grabbed a jacket and tied
his ankles while someone else tied his wrists.
We're shattered...devastated...unsure. We can't watch the news or
internet because the girls are here. So we've eaten fresh
tomatoes...ice cream and we're now figuring out our next move. We are
letting the girls guide what happens next..--they were supposed to
head to my brother's camp in North Carolina. It seems that the girls
still want to go and that Dave and I will go with them...we are
unwilling at this point to let them out of our site. ..To be
honest...thinking about sending them to school in two weeks makes me
panic. I hope that goes away.
Things in my head...Kate was sitting up on the back of the pew...so
one of the highest heads. Thank God she is ok. Lucy and her
friends worked soooo hard on this performance that was crudely and in
the worst horrific manner interrupted. God, give her closure. Ila
has the most questions...God give us some answers.
DAve and I are in hover parenting mode. I'm worried about my dad who
saved so many lives. I'm worried because he tackled a gunman who
dared interrupt the peace, the love and the togetherness of HIS
CHURCH. Things won't be the same and I pray that we'll rise above.
We don't need anything right now I don't even
know who is getting this email..
just pray for our family and my dad's congregation. We need to be
covered with prayer.
I have my cell on..but emotionally too wrought to talk at this point.
So...I'll be in touch when I can.
Monday
I find myself paralyzed at the word "Subject" as if I could put in a word or three what this email could contain. Dave and I are at warren Wilson College near Asheville, NC. We are in a place where the grounds are filled with mint leaves and blackberries...where dinner was all from the garden...where the girls are playing with 45 other children silly random games...they look back here and again to see where we are...they come back to touch us. We are in this bizarre shadow parenting at camp...they need to be free and independent and laugh and so Dave and I move with them slightly behind the group as we stand together and watch their movements. Letting them have camp--normalcy--but with this haze of trauma over us.
I am much more fragile today...bursting into tears...feeling dizzy and out of it...seeing people look at us with what I know is this bizarre feeling you guys have...like WHAT can we DO? Last night was terrible...every girl woke up several times yelling...where is Kate...where is Ila...where is Daddy DAve...Mama, where are you..;it was the most eerie of roll calls...it is what we were doing behind the church finding each other...connecting...touching.
My dad is a hero. We've stressed to the girls that what he did and what Greg, the man who was shot point blank because he stepped in the way of the kids...is what grownups do. They save children. At any cost. And their grandpa tackled the man to make him stop hurting people. So. Ila wanted to see the man's picture. Kate was worried that his friends would come up to North carolina to shoot us. Lucy tells the story over and over again. She had worked for two weeks with Greg and hasn't really comprehended that what was a horrific experience yesterday ended with the death of someone she knew.
Tonight we'll all sleep together in a dorm room. I say sleep. I hope and pray I mean it. tomorrow the girls will immerse themselves in camp and lane and I will shadow behind. One day at a time.
So many of you have offered to do anything. If I even knew what to say what we needed...I would ask. Em asked about getting appts. with counselors only to find out when i said YES...that they need a release for her to make the appt. I guess be patient with us.
We have heard but don't know for sure because we're so disconnected because of the girls to the internet and tv that a letter was found. That this was intentional. That makes this even more hard to fathom. To know that my beloved family, my growing up church...my brother's denomination...my roots were attacked...that takes this grief and numbness to another level. The only peace is that this congregation is one of tolerance, of welcoming, of openness and this will not stop them.
I'm wiped out. Sorry I'm not answering the phone...or spotty texts...sorry I don't know more about who is getting my emails and appreciate very much your forwarding them to people who I'm missing.
We feel loved, prayed for...I do know that when we get back we will need space...we will need time...the girls will be our guide about how to respond to folks asking...
Tuesday
Moments of Grace
Right before the performance started I realized the girls couldn't see well. I said "Hey, why don't you two go..." the opening overture started and i didn't finish my sentence..."sit over there on the top bench" (putting them directly in the place where he shot...and eyewitness to Greg's death).
Almost my whole family was in one place at one time..when does that ever happen. Life changing event where your mom, dad, husband, kids are...we all know what we're going through.
Lucy said that during the week the cast had been taught to move like firefighters...slowly and surely so they don't make a mistake in haste. It was to help them do the play and the scene changes well. She said it felt like God had prepared them for escaping the building when the shooting happened.
That Daddy Warbucks was wearing suspenders that were used to tie Adkisson's hands together.
That he was using a shotgun not a semi automatic weapon..he was a military man---yes. that is a moment of something.
Finally--not that I've ever had a Plan for a Tramautic event. But I'm fairly confident that going to summer camp would have been on that plan. However, there is a peace, a grace about the girls pulling out ziploc bags with an outfit each day...no discussions, no choices...three meals a day that someone has prepared for us...lots of grownups with huge eyes watching and arms hugging...lots of kids who want their nails painted black and pink, too...This camp has welcomed our WHOLE family...3 expected girls and two unexpected stumbling, exhausted adults into their world--allowing us to shadow..to rest (?)...to move slowly as we need to..this camp that realizes that the camp tradition of "zombie-hunt" won't work for our girls and carefully, thoughtfully deals with that before we process it...
Your texts, emails, prayers, messages have all been welcomed, appreciated, wept over. Thank you for understanding that we are in receiving mode and that an email a day in response is what I can manage. I wish I had a text plan on my phone! i wish I were a blogger since I can't possibly be responding to everyone who is contacting us. Oh well.
The girls slept last night. Lucy had a hard time settling down "Every time I close my eyes I think about it." So I told her about the vigils--that thousands of people all over the country met last night...that the people in Knoxville worshipped together and then sang "Tomorrow" from Annie and stomped their feet and beat the pews and yelled in triumph of good over evil. That this man could not come to a house of worship and ruin community, compassion, love. She finally slept.
Ila began yelling in panic at 11:40 her little body shuddering and fighting yelling "wait, wait" so we held her and kissed her and told her we always wait for her. she breathed and lay back down and slept.
Kate's tummy continues to hurt. But sleeping, eating, laughing during the day. She drew a picture otday of a troll under a bunch of stars and the troll is holding a star on his finger.
Dave and I had a surreal walmart trip to get needles for him, underwear, toothpaste to extend our stay. I'm not sleeping...Dave is patchy...waking in fury at the gunman.
I'm good. shattered, tired, good. Dave and I had a long talk about why the news that this was intentional made a difference to me and it was good to talk it out...about why for him it wasn't and why for me it was. more on that later.
thanks for your patience with these long emails.
